This thought came to me today. What if... and this is addressed to Christians, so you're welcome to read this if you are not one, but it's not really being sent to your mailbox... What if, the only time we gave words of encouragement was when we were ready to physically back it up? I wonder how much more seriously we would weigh our offerings.
I mean.. it's not that we don't mean well. We definitely *want* our neighbor who's sick to get well. We want our friend to find another job since he was laid off. We want that couple to get pregnant, they've been trying SO long. But... sometimes we just... say things. We tell them to be strong and know that God is on their side. (He is.) We tell them all things will work together for their good. (It will.) We tell them we'll pray for them. (Sometimes we remember to do that too.)
But what if we met them somewhere? Or took some sort of something to their house? (Christians are good at casseroles. Don't knock the power of a good casserole.) Or what if we... dare I say it out loud... invited them into our home? WAIT A MINUTE! Now that's getting a little personal. We have jobs and kids and no time to clean and our house is too small/lacking in proper furniture/filled with kids etc., etc, etc. I definitely struggle with that. I am a total recluse. Three years now. If I didn't have FB to remind me how to speak to other ppl I would be curled up in a ball in the corner every time the doorbell rang. So if anyone understands not reaching out... I understand it. But the words come easy cause in our hearts... we really do care. I love ppl. I enjoy them, they make me laugh and cry... I love their stories.. I just love them. But to invite them into my safe place... that's scary.
A few years ago I decided I'd had enough of friendship. I'd been burned so many times that I knew I couldn't face one more let down. My heart was broken and empty and that's when I went into my little turtle shell. I didn't trust women anymore, nor did I understand them. I loved ppl.. was I really so hard to love in return? What I wouldn't have given to have had someone meet me for coffee, follow up an invitation, or the big one... invite me into their home. My marriage fell apart, and I felt fully alone. I talked so little that there were times I did not recognize my own voice. A puppy we had was my solace when the kids were tucked in and I was alone.
Does this sound beyond pathetic? I'd be ashamed if I believed I were the only one. But since being on the Internet, I have found there are more like me than not. The world is alone and hurting. It's not because God doesn't love us... it's because His hands and feet (the church) is secluding. We're becoming hobbits living in shires. I encourage you, if you have the strength, love on ppl, however you can. And if words are all you can offer... let that be your last resort.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Sink or Swim
Did you ever look at someone you've looked at a thousand times before and wonder who they were? I tend to do that when I look in the mirror. Who am I? I thought I knew. I was on a path. I knew where I'd come from, I knew where I was and I had visions of where I was going... where I would end up. How is it possible that smack dab in the middle of your life (or what you hope is the middle) that everything you knew, could be erased? Who hit the delete button, how did they get my password? I don't remember anyone asking my permission. I feel hacked.
That's my new focus, or what I'm hoping will become a focus. How do I become the sole bearer of my password? How do I find the strength to accept that who I was... was not what decided me anymore than who I am now decides who I will be? Am I able to decide who I will be? Is it OK? Whose permission am I looking for?
I was in church Sunday and waves of emotion were pouring over me. "Who will save me?" was the question washing over me until I thought I would drown in sadness. At the alter call I wanted to run forward to our sweet pastor and sob "I need to be rescued! Who will rescue me now? I'm alone... I've been alone and the loneliness and hurt are going to destroy me!" But I didn't. He's just a man like me. He can't save me.
I know what some are thinking.. that only God can save me, but I'm learning something more... He wants me to learn to swim. He doesn't need my password. He has full access without it. He wants to teach me to stop giving the password out. Really Lord? I mean I was always strong.. it's not that I didn't know how to swim. But now He tells me I never really swam... I was only treading water. A person gets tired treading water. Furthermore, they never go anywhere. They just stay in that spot... waiting... fearing the occasional shark... never enjoying the water... anxiously awaiting the day their strength will give out.
So here I am God. You know me. You know who I thought I was, You know who I wanted to be... but far more important, you know who I will be. You want me to learn to swim, with You as the strength in my legs.
There are so many ways to numb myself. I want so much to head for the cold, frigid waters where I'll soon lose all feeling. But that's not why You made me. Why did you make me again? Oh yeah... I have to swim. I have to feel the pain of unrelenting movement if I'm going to find that out. I'm so scared.
That's my new focus, or what I'm hoping will become a focus. How do I become the sole bearer of my password? How do I find the strength to accept that who I was... was not what decided me anymore than who I am now decides who I will be? Am I able to decide who I will be? Is it OK? Whose permission am I looking for?
I was in church Sunday and waves of emotion were pouring over me. "Who will save me?" was the question washing over me until I thought I would drown in sadness. At the alter call I wanted to run forward to our sweet pastor and sob "I need to be rescued! Who will rescue me now? I'm alone... I've been alone and the loneliness and hurt are going to destroy me!" But I didn't. He's just a man like me. He can't save me.
I know what some are thinking.. that only God can save me, but I'm learning something more... He wants me to learn to swim. He doesn't need my password. He has full access without it. He wants to teach me to stop giving the password out. Really Lord? I mean I was always strong.. it's not that I didn't know how to swim. But now He tells me I never really swam... I was only treading water. A person gets tired treading water. Furthermore, they never go anywhere. They just stay in that spot... waiting... fearing the occasional shark... never enjoying the water... anxiously awaiting the day their strength will give out.
So here I am God. You know me. You know who I thought I was, You know who I wanted to be... but far more important, you know who I will be. You want me to learn to swim, with You as the strength in my legs.
There are so many ways to numb myself. I want so much to head for the cold, frigid waters where I'll soon lose all feeling. But that's not why You made me. Why did you make me again? Oh yeah... I have to swim. I have to feel the pain of unrelenting movement if I'm going to find that out. I'm so scared.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I wanna run to you!
Oh my goodness. It's been almost one year since the last post! This is a very hard blog to write. I really never dreamed these words would come out of me. After almost 25 years of marriage... Paul and I are getting a divorce. It is quite shocking to me too... even though the possibility was always floating around out there, I don't think I could have pictured my life without him.
Our marriage was in a sorry state for years. I didn't really know what was wrong, but it was wrong for sure. Paul knew he was losing me. At some point I just gave up. He spent a year and a half becoming a better person. He went to therapy, men's support groups... it was such an admirable effort. However a week before Thanksgiving we had a talk about personal things and I was simply unable to continue after that. I filed for divorce the next day.
We are not using lawyers, we are making sure the kids know we are always going to be friends and family. I've told them we simply will be living in two different houses. It has actually been harder on the older ones than the younger. Kala and Spence thought their parents marriage was forever... as did I. As a matter of fact, when we went thru hard times, I would picture us old together, rocking on a front porch, holding hands, talking about our kids. That dream is dead... at least as far as I know. My goal now is to find a job and a place for the little ones and I to live. I just want to live simply. I have never really been single. It seems a little scary to me.
Do you want to know the saddest part of all this for me? This year and a half... when I was so unhappy and wanted a divorce so badly, but never thought God would allow it... I kind of ran from Him. I drank, smoked... hid away on the internet. I went to church, but not for appearance sake... never for that. But because that's what church is for. It's for sick ppl who realize they can't do it on their own... that they need a Savior. The one time I told God in prayer that I wanted to divorce and have a place of my own... I finally felt peace. I was sure that couldn't be from God. How could God ever approve the divorce of two Christians? I shook it off... surely that was my own wishful thinking.
Then, after Paul and I talked that night, I realized I'd been running from God for nothing! Foolishness! I should have been running to Him. I didn't trust him to meet my needs, whatever they might be. Why do I doubt that His ways are best? ARGH! What I wouldn't do to go back and give him everyday of that year and a half.
So things are in motion. Paul and I are doing very well as friends. Supporting each other the best we can thru this time. Holding on to God and offering kindness to one another. We crave your prayers, we offer a shoulder to cry on, should you need one and I encourage you to remember where your help comes from.
Our marriage was in a sorry state for years. I didn't really know what was wrong, but it was wrong for sure. Paul knew he was losing me. At some point I just gave up. He spent a year and a half becoming a better person. He went to therapy, men's support groups... it was such an admirable effort. However a week before Thanksgiving we had a talk about personal things and I was simply unable to continue after that. I filed for divorce the next day.
We are not using lawyers, we are making sure the kids know we are always going to be friends and family. I've told them we simply will be living in two different houses. It has actually been harder on the older ones than the younger. Kala and Spence thought their parents marriage was forever... as did I. As a matter of fact, when we went thru hard times, I would picture us old together, rocking on a front porch, holding hands, talking about our kids. That dream is dead... at least as far as I know. My goal now is to find a job and a place for the little ones and I to live. I just want to live simply. I have never really been single. It seems a little scary to me.
Do you want to know the saddest part of all this for me? This year and a half... when I was so unhappy and wanted a divorce so badly, but never thought God would allow it... I kind of ran from Him. I drank, smoked... hid away on the internet. I went to church, but not for appearance sake... never for that. But because that's what church is for. It's for sick ppl who realize they can't do it on their own... that they need a Savior. The one time I told God in prayer that I wanted to divorce and have a place of my own... I finally felt peace. I was sure that couldn't be from God. How could God ever approve the divorce of two Christians? I shook it off... surely that was my own wishful thinking.
Then, after Paul and I talked that night, I realized I'd been running from God for nothing! Foolishness! I should have been running to Him. I didn't trust him to meet my needs, whatever they might be. Why do I doubt that His ways are best? ARGH! What I wouldn't do to go back and give him everyday of that year and a half.
So things are in motion. Paul and I are doing very well as friends. Supporting each other the best we can thru this time. Holding on to God and offering kindness to one another. We crave your prayers, we offer a shoulder to cry on, should you need one and I encourage you to remember where your help comes from.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Looking Up
Holy cow Imunna write a blog here... What has it been 6 months? That actually makes me want to cry cause I know how hard these last 6 months have been and what has kept me from writing. Paul and I have been through it... to say it has been overwhelming is to play it down.
It seems so poetically appropriate that it is Jan. 2nd and I would write my first blog now. It's a new year, new beginnings, a heart standing on the edge of the high dive, trying to decide if it has the guts to jump off... to trust again... to give itself away while asking for nothing in return.
I recently read that Woody Allen said of his former adopted daughter now wife (excuse me while I convulse then vomit) "The heart wants what it wants." That sounds deep right, but really he's just a nasty cuss. It's easier to manipulate words than it is the greatest fool on earth... hence the actual career of spinning politics. So I can write this blog today, sharing my heart, but not yet my circumstance. I'm actually writing a book... I've always wanted to... and maybe, at the least, it will help me gain clarity. Something I need now more that I ever have before.
If your marriage is faltering... hanging on by a thread, I only have one thing to say to you... if Paul and I can make it... anyone can. 2009 found us closer to divorce than we had ever even considered in our wildest dreams... Paul said he had always taken pride in our marriage... he took it for granted, he said... just assumed it was always gonna be there no matter what. Well no one is safe. He said if we make it to 25 years, we're having a 2nd wedding and going on a Mediterranean Cruise. I may stick if just for the cruise :)
So say a prayer, and if you're one of my many new atheist friends, wish us luck... cause it's gonna take something supernatural for us to overcome, but if it encourages you... things are looking up... literally and figuratively :)
It seems so poetically appropriate that it is Jan. 2nd and I would write my first blog now. It's a new year, new beginnings, a heart standing on the edge of the high dive, trying to decide if it has the guts to jump off... to trust again... to give itself away while asking for nothing in return.
I recently read that Woody Allen said of his former adopted daughter now wife (excuse me while I convulse then vomit) "The heart wants what it wants." That sounds deep right, but really he's just a nasty cuss. It's easier to manipulate words than it is the greatest fool on earth... hence the actual career of spinning politics. So I can write this blog today, sharing my heart, but not yet my circumstance. I'm actually writing a book... I've always wanted to... and maybe, at the least, it will help me gain clarity. Something I need now more that I ever have before.
If your marriage is faltering... hanging on by a thread, I only have one thing to say to you... if Paul and I can make it... anyone can. 2009 found us closer to divorce than we had ever even considered in our wildest dreams... Paul said he had always taken pride in our marriage... he took it for granted, he said... just assumed it was always gonna be there no matter what. Well no one is safe. He said if we make it to 25 years, we're having a 2nd wedding and going on a Mediterranean Cruise. I may stick if just for the cruise :)
So say a prayer, and if you're one of my many new atheist friends, wish us luck... cause it's gonna take something supernatural for us to overcome, but if it encourages you... things are looking up... literally and figuratively :)
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Except...
Wow, this is the longest I've ever gone without blogging since I began a few months ago. I guess I just feel like what else is there to say? I shared the angst that caused me to write in the first place, now what? LOL... I don't know... Surely this time there is nothing to share... hmmm, let's see.
My offerings are pretty weak right now... anything I have to lay on the alter seem so diminished... After those two years of being sick, I tried to join the choir again... oops, got extremely sick to my stomach first song in and had to go home... I think God's gonna keep working on me for a while before He allows me to minister again... seems fitting.
So which way is up in this journey? I love that even if my mind doesn't know, my heart does! I have been consumed by the love of God to the point that I know He is doing a work and that He would no more forsake me in my failings than He would refuse to forgive a humbled man his sins. Not that I wanna be humbled... ha! That's probably why Adam and Eve hid in the cave when they had sinned... God is skeery! But mostly when you're hiding, dreading what you think He might do. My youngest is strong willed like you've never seen a child... she will stand right up and say "NO!" to your face... but you take one step toward her and she humbles herself immediately. We like to picture God sitting on His throne. Why? Cause God walking is more than our minds can handle. When he is walking with us, we are in bliss. When He is walking towards us... kablam! We hit the deck, humbled and fearful... but the Bible says to fear the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. It's best to walk with Him, no?
So... where do we go from here, now that all of the children are growing up? (Wow, tell me I didn't just quote Styx!!!) I guess if you were wondering what's new here... not a lot of great stuff... except... and that's the good part. On my part, nothing really stellar is happening, but on God's end... stuff is in motion. I was fearfully and wonderfully made and there's not a one of us that wasn't. Stuff Is In Motion. So again, if you are in a similar boat... and the waters are rocky and dangerous... know that Someone loves you and is fighting on your behalf... Wow, you know what? That just changes everything.
My offerings are pretty weak right now... anything I have to lay on the alter seem so diminished... After those two years of being sick, I tried to join the choir again... oops, got extremely sick to my stomach first song in and had to go home... I think God's gonna keep working on me for a while before He allows me to minister again... seems fitting.
So which way is up in this journey? I love that even if my mind doesn't know, my heart does! I have been consumed by the love of God to the point that I know He is doing a work and that He would no more forsake me in my failings than He would refuse to forgive a humbled man his sins. Not that I wanna be humbled... ha! That's probably why Adam and Eve hid in the cave when they had sinned... God is skeery! But mostly when you're hiding, dreading what you think He might do. My youngest is strong willed like you've never seen a child... she will stand right up and say "NO!" to your face... but you take one step toward her and she humbles herself immediately. We like to picture God sitting on His throne. Why? Cause God walking is more than our minds can handle. When he is walking with us, we are in bliss. When He is walking towards us... kablam! We hit the deck, humbled and fearful... but the Bible says to fear the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. It's best to walk with Him, no?
So... where do we go from here, now that all of the children are growing up? (Wow, tell me I didn't just quote Styx!!!) I guess if you were wondering what's new here... not a lot of great stuff... except... and that's the good part. On my part, nothing really stellar is happening, but on God's end... stuff is in motion. I was fearfully and wonderfully made and there's not a one of us that wasn't. Stuff Is In Motion. So again, if you are in a similar boat... and the waters are rocky and dangerous... know that Someone loves you and is fighting on your behalf... Wow, you know what? That just changes everything.
Friday, June 26, 2009
My worst enemy.
Life sucks, end post.
LOL, oh dear now I've gone and cracked myself up. (Not really.) I've been sharing since I first started this blog that I have had a deep and painful problem... of course, being human, I have many... but the one that's giving me the most trouble is my marriage. You might wonder why on earth anyone would want to share such personal information in a public forum. I am such a firm believer though that if we would only open up and share our problems, we would not only see that others are hurting too, but we would find the help we need.
Paul and I have been married greater than half my life. I love no one on earth more than him... but that doesn't mean things can't crumble! Not only does life, family, kids, work, relational... and weather issues tear it down... Satan is there daily with a chisel and a hammer chipping away at it! Paul and I are so weary. He has more on him than I do on me and yet his burden to save this thing is greater... he is the hero that must rise up to save us... nice to be a girl right now, though I will do my part. I believe most marriages go through this at some point. It's the point in the marathon where you hit the wall... only this is worse, cause the wall hits back. It's emotional. Your heart, mind, body and soul are tied up in it. People don't tell their kids when this happens but guess what... when their kids struggle in their marriages they think there's something wrong with them. "Mom and Dad were so solid, even with all their faults..." Guess what kids... mankind is the same from age to age. There's nothing new under the sun.
If I could begin to tell you the problems wrapped up in a troubled marriage (assuming you don't know) you would flip. How do we survive this crap??? Something so cool happened for us. It was a total God thing. A few months back, when I still knew who I was... I saw an old friend on FB. I was worried that he and his wife might have walked away from the Lord so I inquired... We never knew each other well so it was interesting, but I am always kinda bold and luckily he wasn't offended so we had some good talks about it and that was that. Then a few months later he makes a smart remark on my wall and I call him on it. Over the day, my entire dissolving life is poured out to him... he totally relates and gives Paul and I both advice that is totally pointing us in the right direction... Do you see how incredibly important it is to be open with someone... anyone? God will bring the right person... but you gotta get it out there!!! You might tell 5 wrong people before you get to the right one, but who cares? Could things get any worse than they are now? That's what holds you back from healing... pride and fear!
So can't give you much info right now on the marriage thing other than to say that God is greater than your problems... no matter what they are. I again wonder what you have to hold onto... or to look forward to if you don't have a Savior. He saves us from so many things... but best of all... He saves us from ourselves!
LOL, oh dear now I've gone and cracked myself up. (Not really.) I've been sharing since I first started this blog that I have had a deep and painful problem... of course, being human, I have many... but the one that's giving me the most trouble is my marriage. You might wonder why on earth anyone would want to share such personal information in a public forum. I am such a firm believer though that if we would only open up and share our problems, we would not only see that others are hurting too, but we would find the help we need.
Paul and I have been married greater than half my life. I love no one on earth more than him... but that doesn't mean things can't crumble! Not only does life, family, kids, work, relational... and weather issues tear it down... Satan is there daily with a chisel and a hammer chipping away at it! Paul and I are so weary. He has more on him than I do on me and yet his burden to save this thing is greater... he is the hero that must rise up to save us... nice to be a girl right now, though I will do my part. I believe most marriages go through this at some point. It's the point in the marathon where you hit the wall... only this is worse, cause the wall hits back. It's emotional. Your heart, mind, body and soul are tied up in it. People don't tell their kids when this happens but guess what... when their kids struggle in their marriages they think there's something wrong with them. "Mom and Dad were so solid, even with all their faults..." Guess what kids... mankind is the same from age to age. There's nothing new under the sun.
If I could begin to tell you the problems wrapped up in a troubled marriage (assuming you don't know) you would flip. How do we survive this crap??? Something so cool happened for us. It was a total God thing. A few months back, when I still knew who I was... I saw an old friend on FB. I was worried that he and his wife might have walked away from the Lord so I inquired... We never knew each other well so it was interesting, but I am always kinda bold and luckily he wasn't offended so we had some good talks about it and that was that. Then a few months later he makes a smart remark on my wall and I call him on it. Over the day, my entire dissolving life is poured out to him... he totally relates and gives Paul and I both advice that is totally pointing us in the right direction... Do you see how incredibly important it is to be open with someone... anyone? God will bring the right person... but you gotta get it out there!!! You might tell 5 wrong people before you get to the right one, but who cares? Could things get any worse than they are now? That's what holds you back from healing... pride and fear!
So can't give you much info right now on the marriage thing other than to say that God is greater than your problems... no matter what they are. I again wonder what you have to hold onto... or to look forward to if you don't have a Savior. He saves us from so many things... but best of all... He saves us from ourselves!
Friday, June 19, 2009
There's no swimming in a wash.
Man... I first started writing this stupid blog like 3 months ago... over 50 blogs logged. I didn't even know if I was gonna write a second one. The funny thing is, I am writing this blog at a really icky time in my life. I mean I started exactly when things started going down hill... either God thought somebody could identify... or He wanted me to work some stuff out... (both, I know). So here I am, and if you're still there, here we are. Just the two of us... making our way through.
In AZ. where I spent the majority of my life so far... we have these things called "washes" (giant gully's.) Maybe they have em all over, what do I know? But there are mountains surrounding Tucson, Mt. Lemon being the closest and when the snow melts or a big storm hits, the water comes rushing down the mountain into these washes. Now, we are all told as kids not to play in these things, which means, we all played in those things. People rode their ATV's in there cause it was a perfect, private roadway. But a flash flood could hit at any time of the year and there was no warning whatsoever! I mean, it was dry as a dead stump, then it was engorged with water that had just made its way down from the mountain top... people die every year in these floods.
I am wondering which valley is more difficult. There is the valley in life where we are struck unaware by a flash flood, then there are the valleys where we just wade through the garbage... (oh!!!) trudging along. As we look around, we can see a lot of the debris is our own. On one had, the flash flood is swift! It comes, we find a strong root, hang on for dear life, we overcome and we are stronger for it. No fault of our own, unless we were hanging out like a fool in the wash. But the dump... now that's a different story. It takes endurance, it takes support, it takes a certain amount of faithfulness... mmm... it takes hope that Someone is watching over us and is gonna make something useful out of all our crap.
I love that when God began this whole thing... He began with a garden. It makes so much sense... (obviously, right?) Everything in life can be compared to the Master Gardener and His creation. He made us out of dirt!!! Truly worthless in every way... until the seed is planted in our hearts... there is the seed of death in every man... but when we allow that ground to be tilled and softened, a new seed is planted. Which seed will thrive and which will die away? We are dung and that's ok. We should be ok with our dungness... in the enemy's hand, we sit... we steam in the sun, we are swarmed by the flies of life until we decompose and come to not in the ground... one spot, never moved... then gone. But in the Gardener's hand we become a useful tool... we have value and worth... we are still dirt and manure, but now with that seed of life, something beautiful will come out of our lack. I want to be out of the valley soon... back on a mountain top... loving life... if I could just stop making myself untouchable... my Gardener would use this pile of _____ (fill in the blank) to make something extraordinary. He will reach us... it's not like He can't... He just gives us our space. I think if we hang out in the valley of darkness too long, He will bring that flash flood to float us to the top of the wash... and onto something new. Man, it is so time to get out of the wash.
In AZ. where I spent the majority of my life so far... we have these things called "washes" (giant gully's.) Maybe they have em all over, what do I know? But there are mountains surrounding Tucson, Mt. Lemon being the closest and when the snow melts or a big storm hits, the water comes rushing down the mountain into these washes. Now, we are all told as kids not to play in these things, which means, we all played in those things. People rode their ATV's in there cause it was a perfect, private roadway. But a flash flood could hit at any time of the year and there was no warning whatsoever! I mean, it was dry as a dead stump, then it was engorged with water that had just made its way down from the mountain top... people die every year in these floods.
I am wondering which valley is more difficult. There is the valley in life where we are struck unaware by a flash flood, then there are the valleys where we just wade through the garbage... (oh!!!) trudging along. As we look around, we can see a lot of the debris is our own. On one had, the flash flood is swift! It comes, we find a strong root, hang on for dear life, we overcome and we are stronger for it. No fault of our own, unless we were hanging out like a fool in the wash. But the dump... now that's a different story. It takes endurance, it takes support, it takes a certain amount of faithfulness... mmm... it takes hope that Someone is watching over us and is gonna make something useful out of all our crap.
I love that when God began this whole thing... He began with a garden. It makes so much sense... (obviously, right?) Everything in life can be compared to the Master Gardener and His creation. He made us out of dirt!!! Truly worthless in every way... until the seed is planted in our hearts... there is the seed of death in every man... but when we allow that ground to be tilled and softened, a new seed is planted. Which seed will thrive and which will die away? We are dung and that's ok. We should be ok with our dungness... in the enemy's hand, we sit... we steam in the sun, we are swarmed by the flies of life until we decompose and come to not in the ground... one spot, never moved... then gone. But in the Gardener's hand we become a useful tool... we have value and worth... we are still dirt and manure, but now with that seed of life, something beautiful will come out of our lack. I want to be out of the valley soon... back on a mountain top... loving life... if I could just stop making myself untouchable... my Gardener would use this pile of _____ (fill in the blank) to make something extraordinary. He will reach us... it's not like He can't... He just gives us our space. I think if we hang out in the valley of darkness too long, He will bring that flash flood to float us to the top of the wash... and onto something new. Man, it is so time to get out of the wash.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Bucket List
1) Make an album of my songs.
2) Sing those songs to a large crowd (scared of small ones.)
3) Run a marathon.
4) Put all kids thru college, own home, and be debt free.
5) Travel: Alaskan cruise, Mediterranian cruise, Greece, Ireland, Paris, Israel and beyond.
6) Spend 3 months on a private beach.
7) Be in best health possible.
8) Surf and snorkel, sail on our own boat... without being scared of sharks.
9) Publish a good book.
10) Succeed at the things God intends for me to succeed at.
Here are 10... they are the just the fun ones mainly... and they're not in order :)
2) Sing those songs to a large crowd (scared of small ones.)
3) Run a marathon.
4) Put all kids thru college, own home, and be debt free.
5) Travel: Alaskan cruise, Mediterranian cruise, Greece, Ireland, Paris, Israel and beyond.
6) Spend 3 months on a private beach.
7) Be in best health possible.
8) Surf and snorkel, sail on our own boat... without being scared of sharks.
9) Publish a good book.
10) Succeed at the things God intends for me to succeed at.
Here are 10... they are the just the fun ones mainly... and they're not in order :)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Soul-mates.
So... what a weird weak... uh... week. Banished from commenting on facebook, then the computer breaks and forced to fall back into real life again (btw, yuck... I SO hate folding socks!!!) Just forced to do a lot of things I didn't want to do. About a dozen "hee-lar-i-us" people all said it was God's will for me to be forced into retirement. Sad thing is... I KNOW THAT, THANK YOU!!! (Like you're all so perfect ;)
So here I am at the public library for the 2nd time today...waiting for the fire, flood, tornado or whatever is gonna hit to make me have to go back home again. So here's the facts... besides a few side jobs here and there, I've spent way too much time at home over a 23 year span. It wasn't in vain, mind you. I raised two awesome kids, I'm incredibly proud of and I don't think I would have done it differently. I think the thing is... I feel through... like I should be done and I have two to go. I adore these little ones though... I mean... I love them so much I want to breath them in :) But I lost myself along the way. I don't tell you this cause I want you to feel like I'm all pathetic (which I am.) I say it cause it is SO common and if it could happen to me, it could happen to you.
I want... I need change. I love that I am changing shape literally and figuratively, but what does that mean for my brain and my heart? It is a slow process at times and my emotions can barely keep up. I do know one thing... that isolation which I crave outside of facebook... the one I keep saying is a bad thing... is a bad thing! Ha! I mean... there is nothing to be gained from it. So if I can encourage you in anything at all, it would be to reach out... even to unlikely sources.
I reached out to a very unlikely source and it has turned out to be a blessing to Paul and I both. I think one of the things that has to go first before you can reach out... is pride. If I had been a prideful person, I would continue on in isolation headed for a cliff, but you would be surprised how un-unique you are :) Not to sound unkind... in God's eyes there is no one like you... never has been, never will be. But situationally, you are not special and that is a good thing as Martha Stewart would say. So find a soul to reach out to today. Trust that the Lord will bring it around full circle till you're headed down a right path, but find a person who's been on your path and has found their way back out again. It's a bit foggy where I am right now... but I have a few hands to hold. I hope you do too.
So here I am at the public library for the 2nd time today...waiting for the fire, flood, tornado or whatever is gonna hit to make me have to go back home again. So here's the facts... besides a few side jobs here and there, I've spent way too much time at home over a 23 year span. It wasn't in vain, mind you. I raised two awesome kids, I'm incredibly proud of and I don't think I would have done it differently. I think the thing is... I feel through... like I should be done and I have two to go. I adore these little ones though... I mean... I love them so much I want to breath them in :) But I lost myself along the way. I don't tell you this cause I want you to feel like I'm all pathetic (which I am.) I say it cause it is SO common and if it could happen to me, it could happen to you.
I want... I need change. I love that I am changing shape literally and figuratively, but what does that mean for my brain and my heart? It is a slow process at times and my emotions can barely keep up. I do know one thing... that isolation which I crave outside of facebook... the one I keep saying is a bad thing... is a bad thing! Ha! I mean... there is nothing to be gained from it. So if I can encourage you in anything at all, it would be to reach out... even to unlikely sources.
I reached out to a very unlikely source and it has turned out to be a blessing to Paul and I both. I think one of the things that has to go first before you can reach out... is pride. If I had been a prideful person, I would continue on in isolation headed for a cliff, but you would be surprised how un-unique you are :) Not to sound unkind... in God's eyes there is no one like you... never has been, never will be. But situationally, you are not special and that is a good thing as Martha Stewart would say. So find a soul to reach out to today. Trust that the Lord will bring it around full circle till you're headed down a right path, but find a person who's been on your path and has found their way back out again. It's a bit foggy where I am right now... but I have a few hands to hold. I hope you do too.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Fiona awaits...
My friend was telling me yesterday that I focus too much on my weaknesses in my blog. Hmmm... I'on know, but I have a lot of them, and I am going to list them below.... hahaha. When I got so sick a few years back, I spent a lot of time researching illnesses. When you go to the doctor, sometimes it's good to have some "legwork" done for them or it can take twice as long. I noticed something in all the diseases... there is pretty much a set amount of symptoms that goes with every sickness. Yeah, there's a few weird ones like purple rashes and stuff, but for the most part they just all go in different orders depending on the disease.
How many times can I say, I think we are all the same? We have the same sins... no extra ones made for any one person. Yes, you have your "purple rashes" like Jeffery Dahmer and ick like him.. but for the most part, we have the same failings... What makes us unique is our successes. Look at Michael Phelps... when someone has great success... we put them on a pedestal. For the most part, we human beings like to see people rise above the mire. Funny thing is a few months after his incredible high... turns out he still wanted a high. The dude smokes a marijuana bong at a party and quickly falls off his pedestal. We don't want people who we have set up high, to be on the same level as the rest of us. It's as if we are searching for something super human... hmmm.
You've heard it said, most likely, that there is a God shaped hole in our hearts, waiting to be filled. I have tried to fill it with alcohol, smoking, lust, greed, food, temporary joys, sin.... oh my word, the list should not get too specific... The reason I am sort of comfortable telling you that is that I know you have too. (Maybe not my Grandma... but the rest of you for sure!) I need the Creator of my soul and I need Him the way a princess locked in a castle needs a rescuer. I need Him the way a prisoner needs a reprieve. I need Him the way a virgin needs a lover. I need a hero (song ensues.) A knight on a white steed coming back for his fallen brethren.
We all lay in the mud, beat up by the enemy... beat down by storms, tired, weary, broken. I know you are like me cause I see you laying next to me wounded. Some days I can help you, and some days I fail to... same goes for you. Either way, here we are... waiting for our Savior... come Jesus... come for your bride, clean her off, bind her wounds, dress her in finery, and carry her away. You make her so beautiful and how we thank you for that hope! Fill that hole in our hearts... hear us calling.
How many times can I say, I think we are all the same? We have the same sins... no extra ones made for any one person. Yes, you have your "purple rashes" like Jeffery Dahmer and ick like him.. but for the most part, we have the same failings... What makes us unique is our successes. Look at Michael Phelps... when someone has great success... we put them on a pedestal. For the most part, we human beings like to see people rise above the mire. Funny thing is a few months after his incredible high... turns out he still wanted a high. The dude smokes a marijuana bong at a party and quickly falls off his pedestal. We don't want people who we have set up high, to be on the same level as the rest of us. It's as if we are searching for something super human... hmmm.
You've heard it said, most likely, that there is a God shaped hole in our hearts, waiting to be filled. I have tried to fill it with alcohol, smoking, lust, greed, food, temporary joys, sin.... oh my word, the list should not get too specific... The reason I am sort of comfortable telling you that is that I know you have too. (Maybe not my Grandma... but the rest of you for sure!) I need the Creator of my soul and I need Him the way a princess locked in a castle needs a rescuer. I need Him the way a prisoner needs a reprieve. I need Him the way a virgin needs a lover. I need a hero (song ensues.) A knight on a white steed coming back for his fallen brethren.
We all lay in the mud, beat up by the enemy... beat down by storms, tired, weary, broken. I know you are like me cause I see you laying next to me wounded. Some days I can help you, and some days I fail to... same goes for you. Either way, here we are... waiting for our Savior... come Jesus... come for your bride, clean her off, bind her wounds, dress her in finery, and carry her away. You make her so beautiful and how we thank you for that hope! Fill that hole in our hearts... hear us calling.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
A little R&R talk.
I've had something I've been thinking about lately which is the difference between relationship and ritual. It's something that those of us in the church have heard about 1,ooo times and I doubt I have anything new to offer, but here goes.
Some churches offer something people have grown to expect... they may not enjoy it... doing the same thing over and over again... but it sort of comforts them. Our black lab enjoys tearing around the back yard free and untethered. Yet every morning when I go out to feed her and say good morning, she stands there and allows me... no, wants me to attach that zip line leash to her collar. Then she runs off happy, to spend her day getting tangled and ensnared in anything she possibly can. People are like that. They want to recite things that they have heard their parents recite... they want to kneel, (or jump, depending on the church) at all the appropriate times. It's a comfort. Then after they feel they have been appropriately attached to something, they run off to spend their days getting entangled.
I have a friend who believes church is a good habit... which makes a lot of sense. I mean, if you are going to do something repetitively, why not something as positive as an event focused on God, right? You get dressed up, you try to make it on time, you get the kids settled into their class, you visit with like minded people (for the most part), you then talk about and sing about Who? The Creator of your soul. How could this be anything but good? But it's not that it's not good... it's is it enough?! When is enough, enough with God?
When I was a kid, I was always cutting up and my family would say the same thing to me, over and over. "Beth, you never know when enough is enough." (Can someone say therapy!) :) The thing that always struck me was that they did. How did they know? Cause they were making the rules. They decided when enough was enough and they let me know when I reached that point... that's how I knew. It's like that in church... a lot of us let our parents or our mentors, pastors, peers... tell us when enough is enough with God. "Go this far, but go no further." "Know Him this much, but no more." "Love Him this deeply, but don't go overboard." When does sitting, rising, reciting and just showing up... become enough for us when it comes to knowing the almighty GOD?!
I owe Him so much. If He never did anything for me, after He died for my sins... would He be less to me? I can be so ungrateful at times. We have a friend who believed if God loved him, he would have wealth. He couldn't stick with a job for more than a year, but he expected wealth all the same. He was so affected by this belief that he eventually left his wife and kids and took off to chase dreams. He never realized his wealth lied in his hands all along... he threw it away. His relationship with God consisted of putting in the time at church that he felt was his part in his "relationship" with God and waiting for his ever elusive idea of success. As he sipped from the toilet tank, he never realized there was a river of running water to drink deeply from. I do that too. I settle for the least at times when God would give me the strength I needed to be victorious in every area of my life. We so often throw away the meat and gnaw on the bone.
May I encourage you not to go to church alone... but this Sunday as you make your way to where ever it is you go, go to God instead. Ask Him, "Who are You, and Who are You to me? Who am I to You? What do You have for me and how can I lay hold of this? Somewhere within those questions, lie the relationship over the ritual. Those who seek will find, those who repeat actions, will always end up with the same results. You always hear that Albert Einstein only used 7% of his brain... what a smidgen and look at all he accomplished! Don't be afraid to try something new with God... to go deeper... chances are you haven't come close to tapping into the wealth that lies within!
Some churches offer something people have grown to expect... they may not enjoy it... doing the same thing over and over again... but it sort of comforts them. Our black lab enjoys tearing around the back yard free and untethered. Yet every morning when I go out to feed her and say good morning, she stands there and allows me... no, wants me to attach that zip line leash to her collar. Then she runs off happy, to spend her day getting tangled and ensnared in anything she possibly can. People are like that. They want to recite things that they have heard their parents recite... they want to kneel, (or jump, depending on the church) at all the appropriate times. It's a comfort. Then after they feel they have been appropriately attached to something, they run off to spend their days getting entangled.
I have a friend who believes church is a good habit... which makes a lot of sense. I mean, if you are going to do something repetitively, why not something as positive as an event focused on God, right? You get dressed up, you try to make it on time, you get the kids settled into their class, you visit with like minded people (for the most part), you then talk about and sing about Who? The Creator of your soul. How could this be anything but good? But it's not that it's not good... it's is it enough?! When is enough, enough with God?
When I was a kid, I was always cutting up and my family would say the same thing to me, over and over. "Beth, you never know when enough is enough." (Can someone say therapy!) :) The thing that always struck me was that they did. How did they know? Cause they were making the rules. They decided when enough was enough and they let me know when I reached that point... that's how I knew. It's like that in church... a lot of us let our parents or our mentors, pastors, peers... tell us when enough is enough with God. "Go this far, but go no further." "Know Him this much, but no more." "Love Him this deeply, but don't go overboard." When does sitting, rising, reciting and just showing up... become enough for us when it comes to knowing the almighty GOD?!
I owe Him so much. If He never did anything for me, after He died for my sins... would He be less to me? I can be so ungrateful at times. We have a friend who believed if God loved him, he would have wealth. He couldn't stick with a job for more than a year, but he expected wealth all the same. He was so affected by this belief that he eventually left his wife and kids and took off to chase dreams. He never realized his wealth lied in his hands all along... he threw it away. His relationship with God consisted of putting in the time at church that he felt was his part in his "relationship" with God and waiting for his ever elusive idea of success. As he sipped from the toilet tank, he never realized there was a river of running water to drink deeply from. I do that too. I settle for the least at times when God would give me the strength I needed to be victorious in every area of my life. We so often throw away the meat and gnaw on the bone.
May I encourage you not to go to church alone... but this Sunday as you make your way to where ever it is you go, go to God instead. Ask Him, "Who are You, and Who are You to me? Who am I to You? What do You have for me and how can I lay hold of this? Somewhere within those questions, lie the relationship over the ritual. Those who seek will find, those who repeat actions, will always end up with the same results. You always hear that Albert Einstein only used 7% of his brain... what a smidgen and look at all he accomplished! Don't be afraid to try something new with God... to go deeper... chances are you haven't come close to tapping into the wealth that lies within!
Friday, June 5, 2009
A day of peace, joy and love.
So yesterday I decided I had to get out of the house... I have been cooped up here too long, but my 18 y/o (who is the babysitter in this story) had plans for the day and it looked like there was no hope for my escape. All of the sudden I realized (boing!) that I didn't have to go anywhere... in the car anyway. I was like... "I am leaving this house if I have to go through a window, but I am out of here!" So my sweet child # 2 told me to go for it and I went on a walk. Now of course I can go on a walk anytime, but during the middle of the day when everyone has events going on... it just hadn't occurred to me. I think of it as more of an evening thing and there's always the stinkers in tow making it impossible to do anything briskly. But out I went alone and it just happened to be my favorite weather in the whole world!
I love wind!!! Wind is one of God's most awesome creations! I could stand in it for hours... and if it's a little cold and the suns not burning my eyes... Heaven on earth and that was yesterday... so I started walking... briskly. Freedom! (William Wallace impression.) I was just me... with my own thoughts in my own special place... awesome. I was practically dancing by the time I got home. I shared earlier that when I was in high school joy was driving in the Tuscon foothills with my windows down and the radio on... singing and feeling that wind on my face. Loved it! But when we get older, we start wanting all things opposite from out youth. We want out of that car... we want out of the crowds... we want our naps back!!! I am coming out of a cocoon that I have been in for a few years now and I feel alive again.
Nothing is new under the sun. We all go through the appropriate highs and lows as we live each decade. We are young and want to be grown, we are teens and we want to be free, we are in our 20's and we want to be tethered, in our 30's we want to get it right, 40's we want to make it through... and you will have to fill in the blanks for me from there... but we are never new under the sun. Never. There is no trial you are experiencing that hasn't been lived through by a million others (no matter what fashion that is.) There is no circumstance that hasn't been foreseen. That really gets to me... God knew I was going to be going through this ... now?! Crazy. I think something snapped in me a few months ago. There was a lot of pressure and problems keeping me from staying afloat and it just seems like I snapped... ha! Kinda funny... but I don't feel like the same person I was... and God knew that!!! Fortunately, HE stays the same.
The answers to all the questions are in His hand and he wont forsake me... or you. No matter what changes life may bring... He foreknew and a He will never forsake. If I can wrap my mind around those two things... I just might make it through. He foreknew and He will never forsake. Every success and every failure I might have, He saw the day He created me and the day He died on the cross for my sins... and He still chose to do both. We are not mistakes... we are loved... we must grasp this to live life fully. Life is good... walk briskly!
I love wind!!! Wind is one of God's most awesome creations! I could stand in it for hours... and if it's a little cold and the suns not burning my eyes... Heaven on earth and that was yesterday... so I started walking... briskly. Freedom! (William Wallace impression.) I was just me... with my own thoughts in my own special place... awesome. I was practically dancing by the time I got home. I shared earlier that when I was in high school joy was driving in the Tuscon foothills with my windows down and the radio on... singing and feeling that wind on my face. Loved it! But when we get older, we start wanting all things opposite from out youth. We want out of that car... we want out of the crowds... we want our naps back!!! I am coming out of a cocoon that I have been in for a few years now and I feel alive again.
Nothing is new under the sun. We all go through the appropriate highs and lows as we live each decade. We are young and want to be grown, we are teens and we want to be free, we are in our 20's and we want to be tethered, in our 30's we want to get it right, 40's we want to make it through... and you will have to fill in the blanks for me from there... but we are never new under the sun. Never. There is no trial you are experiencing that hasn't been lived through by a million others (no matter what fashion that is.) There is no circumstance that hasn't been foreseen. That really gets to me... God knew I was going to be going through this ... now?! Crazy. I think something snapped in me a few months ago. There was a lot of pressure and problems keeping me from staying afloat and it just seems like I snapped... ha! Kinda funny... but I don't feel like the same person I was... and God knew that!!! Fortunately, HE stays the same.
The answers to all the questions are in His hand and he wont forsake me... or you. No matter what changes life may bring... He foreknew and a He will never forsake. If I can wrap my mind around those two things... I just might make it through. He foreknew and He will never forsake. Every success and every failure I might have, He saw the day He created me and the day He died on the cross for my sins... and He still chose to do both. We are not mistakes... we are loved... we must grasp this to live life fully. Life is good... walk briskly!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Wrong lever!
I've told you how much I loved the music artist Rich Mullins. I was watching one of his concerts on Youtube ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQnFU5JvuWY&feature=PlayList&p=2B587BF6D654F4C5&index=5&playnext=2&playnext_from=PL ) and he said something that struck me. If you remember God spoke once through someones donkey... can you imagine? Maybe that's where they got the idea for Mr. Ed. So Rich referenced this O.T. story and said that God had been speaking through asses for years. He said if you find yourself being a mouthpiece for God, that you shouldn't feel too lofty. That's how I feel when I write this blog... if there is any truth in it... anything positive to glean... it is not from me... I am an ass. :)
Have you noticed that we always think life is situational. If we are struggling financially it is because... if our relationships suffer it is because... if our health falls to pieces it must be... We (I) often forget the big picture... that life isn't supposed to be situational. God doesn't allow things (good or bad) to come our way on accident. When satan hurls his worst at us and God throws that lever that shifts the track, and that cart comes barreling toward us on our track... it's no accident. When I succeed I tend to think it is because of my character and when I fail, it is due to the situation. I.E. if such and such hadn't happened (or had) I would have had success.
There is a verse in the Bible that talks about not being surprised when situations come flying at you like a brick in the head (my own translation.) There are always going to be trials and tests. I have felt lately like if such and such were different, I would be successful. But that just means I failed before the test made its way to me. My mindset is off. I am to remain the same person, with the same character that I was when I was thriving. That is where the success lies... in the mindset which results in the action/reaction. It always goes back to Bible, prayer, and fellowship. You must be in fellowship and I don't mean sitting in a pew, shaking a few hands and going home. There must be accountability, encouragement... the Bible calls this iron sharpening iron. In that respect I am a dull sword... if you combine those I am a dullard :)
I hope that you are in a church that inspires and spurs you on to good works. I hope that you have relationships that cause you to be your most successful. I hope that you are full of encouragement for others. This truly is a battle... can you imagine facing an army alone? Not even possible. You must have all the weapons and tools your Commander has offered you. If you have fallen... stand up. If you need a hand, pray for one and it will most likely come... but grab it when it gets there or you will remain fallen. What is your mindset now? Where is your mindset now? Shield up, head down, lock arms... here we go.
Have you noticed that we always think life is situational. If we are struggling financially it is because... if our relationships suffer it is because... if our health falls to pieces it must be... We (I) often forget the big picture... that life isn't supposed to be situational. God doesn't allow things (good or bad) to come our way on accident. When satan hurls his worst at us and God throws that lever that shifts the track, and that cart comes barreling toward us on our track... it's no accident. When I succeed I tend to think it is because of my character and when I fail, it is due to the situation. I.E. if such and such hadn't happened (or had) I would have had success.
There is a verse in the Bible that talks about not being surprised when situations come flying at you like a brick in the head (my own translation.) There are always going to be trials and tests. I have felt lately like if such and such were different, I would be successful. But that just means I failed before the test made its way to me. My mindset is off. I am to remain the same person, with the same character that I was when I was thriving. That is where the success lies... in the mindset which results in the action/reaction. It always goes back to Bible, prayer, and fellowship. You must be in fellowship and I don't mean sitting in a pew, shaking a few hands and going home. There must be accountability, encouragement... the Bible calls this iron sharpening iron. In that respect I am a dull sword... if you combine those I am a dullard :)
I hope that you are in a church that inspires and spurs you on to good works. I hope that you have relationships that cause you to be your most successful. I hope that you are full of encouragement for others. This truly is a battle... can you imagine facing an army alone? Not even possible. You must have all the weapons and tools your Commander has offered you. If you have fallen... stand up. If you need a hand, pray for one and it will most likely come... but grab it when it gets there or you will remain fallen. What is your mindset now? Where is your mindset now? Shield up, head down, lock arms... here we go.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Fountain of Youth
Life sure passes quickly doesn't it? I remember being 5... like it was recent. A few months ago my friends sent me some pictures from high school... those memories are like yesterday's memories. When I look on the faces of my high school friends, I have such sweet feelings about them. High school is so much like FB... maybe that's why I love FB so much. You never realize that high school is the time of your life till your out. I am one of those people who forget to appreciate moments while I am in them. Sometimes I have to step out of myself to remember to enjoy life. I get caught up.
I would love to do so many things over again! Mistakes made, words said, opportunities missed... would love to change a few things. (Is this where Disney pops in and I get hit on the head by falling debris and I am suddenly back in high school?) There are boys I wouldn't have wasted my time on, and boys I would have spent more time with. I would have loved my friends more and realized how special they were... and were going to be... instead of worrying how they felt about me. Maybe I wouldn't have been so hard on myself as well. I loved to drive by myself with the windows down and the radio on... I would have done much more of that!
I don't think in 20 years I'll look back at myself now and think... a lot of the things I think I'd think. I wish I could ask "Older Beth" what she should have done differently... but I can't. I wish I had mentors and older friends who could encourage me in the Lord, but of course... hiding away now. All I know is these kids God gave me are beautiful... I want to be a blessing to them. I could literally hold them all day long if they'd let me. God feels that way about me. My empty fixes are so sad... why don't I just run into His arms when I'm feeling lonely? He said He'd never leave me or forsake me. I do know one thing because that thing has remained steadfast throughout my life... I can't ever look back and think of a time where I didn't want/need more of Him in my life... He is a never ending fount of goodness. He is true love, the likes of which this world has never seen until Jesus came.
Whether you're high school, or old school... may you find this fount and drink deeply, drink longingly, drink continuously... you will be filled.
I would love to do so many things over again! Mistakes made, words said, opportunities missed... would love to change a few things. (Is this where Disney pops in and I get hit on the head by falling debris and I am suddenly back in high school?) There are boys I wouldn't have wasted my time on, and boys I would have spent more time with. I would have loved my friends more and realized how special they were... and were going to be... instead of worrying how they felt about me. Maybe I wouldn't have been so hard on myself as well. I loved to drive by myself with the windows down and the radio on... I would have done much more of that!
I don't think in 20 years I'll look back at myself now and think... a lot of the things I think I'd think. I wish I could ask "Older Beth" what she should have done differently... but I can't. I wish I had mentors and older friends who could encourage me in the Lord, but of course... hiding away now. All I know is these kids God gave me are beautiful... I want to be a blessing to them. I could literally hold them all day long if they'd let me. God feels that way about me. My empty fixes are so sad... why don't I just run into His arms when I'm feeling lonely? He said He'd never leave me or forsake me. I do know one thing because that thing has remained steadfast throughout my life... I can't ever look back and think of a time where I didn't want/need more of Him in my life... He is a never ending fount of goodness. He is true love, the likes of which this world has never seen until Jesus came.
Whether you're high school, or old school... may you find this fount and drink deeply, drink longingly, drink continuously... you will be filled.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
You're Beautiful... you're beautiful... you're beautiful it's true!
Have you ever had an identity crisis? I think I've had two... I'm in one now... I can't tell if I'm becoming a new person or just need to find my way home. Any advice here? Anybody, anybody? :) A lot of the things that used to make me a better person are teetering on the edge of something... and at the same time, some new things are entering in which are lovely in their own way too.
In the midst of all this, I am still a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister... again I want the desert island ever so. So much so that you shouldn't get me near the ocean now or I might make a swim for it. I know this stuff comes in seasons. I know if you talk to someone over 60 they will tell you to just hang in there that everything pans out... or as the Bible says, "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose in Christ Jesus."
I feel a bit lost in dreamland now... not very rooted or grounded, yet going no where. I am lonely, but I don't want to be around people. I am tired, but I don't want to rest. I am out in the open, but hidden away. A freak maybe... The rest of you look great though :) Real life is a bit unappealing to me now... Bills, illness, children leaving the home, children left to raise, marital trials, family issues... oi vey!!! My head is down... I am plowing right now... can't seem to get back in the rat race... tough stuff... anyone else struggling?
Arise oh dreamer... wipe the slumber from your eyes! Mmmmmm... easier said than done. I know one thing I need to do... above the tread mill, above the daily chores... I need to be grateful. God hates ungratefulness... He surely does. Maybe this is a one day at a time, one thank you at a time kind of thing. So here I go... thanks for bearing me out.
My God!!! Thank You!
For redeeming me, first and foremost!
For a husband who has loved me deeply and loved You most of all.
For children who are well and safe and beautiful.
For friends who put up with my awkwardness.
For a home with four walls and a roof and all the extras.
For forgiveness of sins!
For Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!!
And lastly, for HOPE!!!
I want to be with God in Heaven forever and I want all of you to be there too cause I love you ALL! Truly! I beg you each to seek Him. Without Him there is nothing real, nothing that lasts!!! Grab hold. You will still be you... not crazy like me... that's my thing :) You will just be saved and on a path that leads to life. One prayer... reach out to Him, He loves you, He created you and He created you for His good pleasure. Romans 5:8
In the midst of all this, I am still a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister... again I want the desert island ever so. So much so that you shouldn't get me near the ocean now or I might make a swim for it. I know this stuff comes in seasons. I know if you talk to someone over 60 they will tell you to just hang in there that everything pans out... or as the Bible says, "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose in Christ Jesus."
I feel a bit lost in dreamland now... not very rooted or grounded, yet going no where. I am lonely, but I don't want to be around people. I am tired, but I don't want to rest. I am out in the open, but hidden away. A freak maybe... The rest of you look great though :) Real life is a bit unappealing to me now... Bills, illness, children leaving the home, children left to raise, marital trials, family issues... oi vey!!! My head is down... I am plowing right now... can't seem to get back in the rat race... tough stuff... anyone else struggling?
Arise oh dreamer... wipe the slumber from your eyes! Mmmmmm... easier said than done. I know one thing I need to do... above the tread mill, above the daily chores... I need to be grateful. God hates ungratefulness... He surely does. Maybe this is a one day at a time, one thank you at a time kind of thing. So here I go... thanks for bearing me out.
My God!!! Thank You!
For redeeming me, first and foremost!
For a husband who has loved me deeply and loved You most of all.
For children who are well and safe and beautiful.
For friends who put up with my awkwardness.
For a home with four walls and a roof and all the extras.
For forgiveness of sins!
For Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!!
And lastly, for HOPE!!!
I want to be with God in Heaven forever and I want all of you to be there too cause I love you ALL! Truly! I beg you each to seek Him. Without Him there is nothing real, nothing that lasts!!! Grab hold. You will still be you... not crazy like me... that's my thing :) You will just be saved and on a path that leads to life. One prayer... reach out to Him, He loves you, He created you and He created you for His good pleasure. Romans 5:8
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
When I am on your shoulders...
My second child, oldest boy, graduates this Saturday. Yes, I do feel old, seeing as how this is the second child to leave the nest. It was very hard when our oldest daughter went away to school in '05. I couldn't believe that was all there was to parenting. As their high school hands them their diploma's, we parents are handed the certificate of "You're done... move on." Very nice, thanks! She did great out on her own, worked almost full time, went to school and attended church. We are very proud of her. As our son embarks on his future, it seems less scary. First of all, because he is a boy and that alone makes you feel safer, but he is very responsible and takes care of business before I have to say anything to him. He is what is known as an "easy kid." Never gets into much trouble, hard worker, never lets me down. I love him awful.
Having kids is so interesting. They're always a little bit you, a little bit your spouse and a little the person they will become. I can see a lot of Paul's qualities come out in the kids and I love that. I was at a special dinner party the other night... our oldest boy was with us (child #2). As Paul started talking about some interesting subject, my son's eyes glazed over... not the bored kind you might think... ha! No, it was the glaze of a boy soaking up every word his dad said. I had never noticed that before. He was just interacting and listening to others, but when his dad spoke on an interesting subject, he practically went into a trance. It was beautiful to me!
My oldest daughter's the same way with me. She is fiercely independent. If I said something was hot, she would grab it with both hands to prove me wrong. Yet she always allowed me to pour into her life... more than anyone else. She is totally her own person and a little bit of me :) What a weird process... raising this kid up from the time they are a nothing but a lump till they are an amazing beautiful functioning adult! I love her awful too!
Paul and I have had a really bad 2 or so years. Really bad. It's not that we haven't had plenty to be grateful for... things were just tough all over. I got very weak... very tired... not really myself. I used to be very strong... felt like there was nothing I couldn't do. Now, I feel like I've been hemorrhaging for a long time. The great thing about God being my Father is that when I went through all this, I was still a little bit Him. If I had been all together myself... I would have not made it. We need that... that parental influence speaking into our thoughts and decisions. Reminding us not to get too close to that cliff, to the traffic, to the deep end.
Things are just starting to look up again. Man, it's slower than I would choose, but there is hope in my heart again. God is so good! I am never deserving of His gifts... not one! But if it weren't for His constant presence I would not be here to receive a single gift He has given. He's always guiding, speaking, teaching, growing, and loving me, even when I just want to disappear. I wish I had never made one mistake where my kids are concerned... but they learn even through my mistakes. How incredible that our Father is a perfect example... when I face my times of hopelessness, His example is clear, deep and wide, no sign of unfaithfulness in Him. Thank you God for raising me... now please, raise me up.
Having kids is so interesting. They're always a little bit you, a little bit your spouse and a little the person they will become. I can see a lot of Paul's qualities come out in the kids and I love that. I was at a special dinner party the other night... our oldest boy was with us (child #2). As Paul started talking about some interesting subject, my son's eyes glazed over... not the bored kind you might think... ha! No, it was the glaze of a boy soaking up every word his dad said. I had never noticed that before. He was just interacting and listening to others, but when his dad spoke on an interesting subject, he practically went into a trance. It was beautiful to me!
My oldest daughter's the same way with me. She is fiercely independent. If I said something was hot, she would grab it with both hands to prove me wrong. Yet she always allowed me to pour into her life... more than anyone else. She is totally her own person and a little bit of me :) What a weird process... raising this kid up from the time they are a nothing but a lump till they are an amazing beautiful functioning adult! I love her awful too!
Paul and I have had a really bad 2 or so years. Really bad. It's not that we haven't had plenty to be grateful for... things were just tough all over. I got very weak... very tired... not really myself. I used to be very strong... felt like there was nothing I couldn't do. Now, I feel like I've been hemorrhaging for a long time. The great thing about God being my Father is that when I went through all this, I was still a little bit Him. If I had been all together myself... I would have not made it. We need that... that parental influence speaking into our thoughts and decisions. Reminding us not to get too close to that cliff, to the traffic, to the deep end.
Things are just starting to look up again. Man, it's slower than I would choose, but there is hope in my heart again. God is so good! I am never deserving of His gifts... not one! But if it weren't for His constant presence I would not be here to receive a single gift He has given. He's always guiding, speaking, teaching, growing, and loving me, even when I just want to disappear. I wish I had never made one mistake where my kids are concerned... but they learn even through my mistakes. How incredible that our Father is a perfect example... when I face my times of hopelessness, His example is clear, deep and wide, no sign of unfaithfulness in Him. Thank you God for raising me... now please, raise me up.
Monday, May 18, 2009
I'm looking at the man in the mirror.
Paul has always stretched me... and I have to say, I don't love it. Physically, I am very flexible, my friends and I have always joked about it, cause I am not in most other ways. He is just so darn open to life! I was born with some kind of Bah-Humbug chromosome that was passed on to me. He likes to go out to lunch with people... I being the "white recluse" do not. I like anything that has to do with getting deeper inside myself where no one will bother me and my thoughts :) So he asks a couple, their two kids and her mom. I find out about the impending function on the way to the restaurant as they are driving behind us. Nice. I ask who it is, in between heavy sighs, and it is a girl I like very much. She is Native American (N.A.) part of the Black Foot tribe, and her mom is someone I have grown to care about although haven't spent a lot of time with. Paul says he felt lead by the Spirit and I realize it's probably true, but can't help but throw out a whiny, "Can't you talk to me about these things first?" Of course then we wouldn't have done it and he knows that... oh yes, he's a keeper.
So my friends mom (I'll call her "Mom") spent most of her life in residential school. That was the imposed schooling the white man forced the Native American into... (although she doesn't like that title, she prefers First Nation.) "Mom" is dogmatic about her views and has a right to be. For five generations the N.A. people were abused sexually, mentally, emotionally and physically. FIVE GENERATIONS of N.A. children being sexually abused under the "church's" name! When I grew up the most I knew of the N.A. was that they gave us corn at the first Thanksgiving and that Tiger Lily from Peter Pan was prettier than Wendy. I mean we've all learned a little since then, yes... but an entire people group are living in 3rd world conditions now and have been messed up to the core, without hope of ever seeing their world the way it once was and very few are even talking about it... except for "Mom"... and she is pissed! Ha! I really like this lady... I know it's a stretch for her to see me as anything other than a white man, but I know she loves me too.
I forget that I am white sometimes... We go to a church that is culturally diverse... no words to describe how beautiful it is. It's not that I think I am black or brown or any other color... I just forget I'm different. When I grew up, I heard the stories of what the white man did to people of color. I learned it from Good Times and the Jefferson's more than I did the history books... but I didn't identify with those white people. I thought we were new white people... I didn't even know any racist's (as far as I knew) but that is what some people see when they look at me... I am one of them.
I know that's how the world views Christians too... us and them. I know God made us each special, unique... even our races etc. are special, but inside... we're all the same. I have been too deep inside myself for 3 years now so when "Mom" told me that, due to the abuse, her people were deep inside themselves and couldn't get out, I selfishly took the opportunity to glean. I asked her how does one get back out? She said it was due to technology... we hide in the TV, porn, what have you... (facebook) she said we need to get back to nature... to the land. I knew the answer, but I asked her if she thought we could... as a world... go back to the way things were... she said no. Eventually everything would be covered in cement. Let's hope that doesn't include our hearts.
The Atheist isn't a God hater... he's a God-not-knower... There are those though who have knowingly chosen their Master. The Bible says if you don't serve one master then you do serve the other so choose wisely. I can't control the way anyone sees me. I may look like my ancestors... (whether that's a slave trader or a safe house provider) or I may look like the religious leaders (the hucksters or the Billy Graham's) or I may look like my Father who loved the world so much that He sent His only Son to redeem the lost. Get me to the latter God. I want them to know You... even if I'm all they've got for now! Let me someday, be a truer reflection of You.
So my friends mom (I'll call her "Mom") spent most of her life in residential school. That was the imposed schooling the white man forced the Native American into... (although she doesn't like that title, she prefers First Nation.) "Mom" is dogmatic about her views and has a right to be. For five generations the N.A. people were abused sexually, mentally, emotionally and physically. FIVE GENERATIONS of N.A. children being sexually abused under the "church's" name! When I grew up the most I knew of the N.A. was that they gave us corn at the first Thanksgiving and that Tiger Lily from Peter Pan was prettier than Wendy. I mean we've all learned a little since then, yes... but an entire people group are living in 3rd world conditions now and have been messed up to the core, without hope of ever seeing their world the way it once was and very few are even talking about it... except for "Mom"... and she is pissed! Ha! I really like this lady... I know it's a stretch for her to see me as anything other than a white man, but I know she loves me too.
I forget that I am white sometimes... We go to a church that is culturally diverse... no words to describe how beautiful it is. It's not that I think I am black or brown or any other color... I just forget I'm different. When I grew up, I heard the stories of what the white man did to people of color. I learned it from Good Times and the Jefferson's more than I did the history books... but I didn't identify with those white people. I thought we were new white people... I didn't even know any racist's (as far as I knew) but that is what some people see when they look at me... I am one of them.
I know that's how the world views Christians too... us and them. I know God made us each special, unique... even our races etc. are special, but inside... we're all the same. I have been too deep inside myself for 3 years now so when "Mom" told me that, due to the abuse, her people were deep inside themselves and couldn't get out, I selfishly took the opportunity to glean. I asked her how does one get back out? She said it was due to technology... we hide in the TV, porn, what have you... (facebook) she said we need to get back to nature... to the land. I knew the answer, but I asked her if she thought we could... as a world... go back to the way things were... she said no. Eventually everything would be covered in cement. Let's hope that doesn't include our hearts.
The Atheist isn't a God hater... he's a God-not-knower... There are those though who have knowingly chosen their Master. The Bible says if you don't serve one master then you do serve the other so choose wisely. I can't control the way anyone sees me. I may look like my ancestors... (whether that's a slave trader or a safe house provider) or I may look like the religious leaders (the hucksters or the Billy Graham's) or I may look like my Father who loved the world so much that He sent His only Son to redeem the lost. Get me to the latter God. I want them to know You... even if I'm all they've got for now! Let me someday, be a truer reflection of You.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Please... no apples!
School is winding down... teachers everywhere begin to have normal heartbeats again... parents begin to breathe erratically. What an amazing person is a teacher. I know there are a few who heard there was a job that had summers off and enlisted immediately, irregardless of their dislike of children... but for the most part, it is an amazing group if individuals who rise like cream to the top of the jar.
We spent three years going through the foster care program in order that we might adopt again. Even moved 15 miles south of our lives in order that we might get a house big enough for all these lil eggies. Foster care never takes this long... three years to get approved is unheard of. They just kept messing up. So now child # 2 may be moving out and we could get a smaller place in our own home town again... life is so weird... lessons to be learned. I could never be a normal foster parent though. These people are not human. They are amazing aliens or something... They take in a child that is not their own, love it, care for it and send it back to the parents who abused it to the point of it being taken in the first place. It kills them, but they knew the rules going in. I am one of those people who would move to Brazil with the child and hide there till they forgot about us before I ever gave it back. I can't give my love away completely to something that isn't mine. I would hold back... not wanting to be emotionally crushed, and the child deserves so much more.
I say that thinking of the teachers. My daughter is one of those who will deeply love each child and will suffer loss each year as they move on. Not all teachers truly love our children, but what they do is an act of beauty. Child # 3 has some serious ADD problems, but he is very intelligent and gets good grades so we don't yet want to medicate him. I think (in some cases) medicating them, keeps them from becoming who they are supposed to be. What if God had a huge self control lesson lined up at age 15. They wont need it, cause the medicine will do it for them. What if they had relational troubles... social troubles... what if that created in them the most compassionate heart that formed their life and career choices one day? I don't know... I'd do anything to take away their pain... but it is through trials that we become strong.
Child # 3 had the greatest teacher on earth this year. She was so understanding and kind to him. She has an ADDer at home herself. She "got" him. Maybe at some point in her life, she struggled herself and grew a compassionate heart. I am a bit of a pill popper... necessary, but still. One thing I haven't wanted to do though was to take a pill for emotional issues. I may not be able to control my thyroid, but I do want some control over my mind. I mean if I were at the point of suicide or a point where I simply couldn't function, sure... but it seems there has to be room left for suffering... for growth. # 3's teacher got that... she said we should do as we felt lead. I loved her for that.
So to all you teachers out there who are hanging on by your fingernails during this last week... what you do... when you do what you do right... is gold! Gold I tell ya!!! You may not hear it enough, you may not reap the benefits here on earth either... but for every kid you got through another awkward, painful, embarrassing, hurtful year of life... all while teaching them and throwing in a few good memories... there is no profession like yours... there is no one like you! You Rock with a capital R! And from someone who is incapable of giving my love to someone and then giving them away... thank you, thank you, thank you, for making that effort!!! We love you. We appreciate you. We honor you.
We spent three years going through the foster care program in order that we might adopt again. Even moved 15 miles south of our lives in order that we might get a house big enough for all these lil eggies. Foster care never takes this long... three years to get approved is unheard of. They just kept messing up. So now child # 2 may be moving out and we could get a smaller place in our own home town again... life is so weird... lessons to be learned. I could never be a normal foster parent though. These people are not human. They are amazing aliens or something... They take in a child that is not their own, love it, care for it and send it back to the parents who abused it to the point of it being taken in the first place. It kills them, but they knew the rules going in. I am one of those people who would move to Brazil with the child and hide there till they forgot about us before I ever gave it back. I can't give my love away completely to something that isn't mine. I would hold back... not wanting to be emotionally crushed, and the child deserves so much more.
I say that thinking of the teachers. My daughter is one of those who will deeply love each child and will suffer loss each year as they move on. Not all teachers truly love our children, but what they do is an act of beauty. Child # 3 has some serious ADD problems, but he is very intelligent and gets good grades so we don't yet want to medicate him. I think (in some cases) medicating them, keeps them from becoming who they are supposed to be. What if God had a huge self control lesson lined up at age 15. They wont need it, cause the medicine will do it for them. What if they had relational troubles... social troubles... what if that created in them the most compassionate heart that formed their life and career choices one day? I don't know... I'd do anything to take away their pain... but it is through trials that we become strong.
Child # 3 had the greatest teacher on earth this year. She was so understanding and kind to him. She has an ADDer at home herself. She "got" him. Maybe at some point in her life, she struggled herself and grew a compassionate heart. I am a bit of a pill popper... necessary, but still. One thing I haven't wanted to do though was to take a pill for emotional issues. I may not be able to control my thyroid, but I do want some control over my mind. I mean if I were at the point of suicide or a point where I simply couldn't function, sure... but it seems there has to be room left for suffering... for growth. # 3's teacher got that... she said we should do as we felt lead. I loved her for that.
So to all you teachers out there who are hanging on by your fingernails during this last week... what you do... when you do what you do right... is gold! Gold I tell ya!!! You may not hear it enough, you may not reap the benefits here on earth either... but for every kid you got through another awkward, painful, embarrassing, hurtful year of life... all while teaching them and throwing in a few good memories... there is no profession like yours... there is no one like you! You Rock with a capital R! And from someone who is incapable of giving my love to someone and then giving them away... thank you, thank you, thank you, for making that effort!!! We love you. We appreciate you. We honor you.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Hold me.
Ok, I have no desire to blog today... too many burdens to bear... but what a perfect way to say... I only have one refuge. Please take a listen to one of my favorite singers/song writers that ever existed and who lives now with his Creator.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gBGGX3yvMo
Cut and paste
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gBGGX3yvMo
Cut and paste
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Home is where the heart is.
When I was a kid, I felt different than everyone in my family... (and in the world... ha!) Didn't we all? I remember when I was around 10, I would search through my parents files and things sure I would find some kind of papers there that said I was adopted. I guess they hid them well cause I never found them. 30 years later I look at my youngest child... she loves her baby books, her photo albums. She has looked through them a hundred times and asks the same questions and repeats the same comments. Her favorite story is the one where we got her for the first time, at 10 months old, and when they handed her to us... she was the only child in a room of redeemed orphans that wasn't crying. All the other babies were freaking out, but not our baby. She simply soaked it in.
I have always been enthralled by the fact that the Jews were God's chosen people. Chosen? How do you get that gig?! I wrote a song to God once where I asked Him, "Who am I to You? Gentile or Jew?" It goes back to the rejection issue obviously. To quote Paul's favorite band, 'I want Him to want me.' 11 years ago, I was picking out my first e-mail address... I had been reading my Bible and I realized that when He grafts us into the vine (in other words makes us a part of His family) we become Jews by default. Hence my e-mail name "graftedjew" try to explain that one to all your business callers. :)
Child # 4 (the one I've been talking about) has 4 names... (First, 2 middle and a last.) She only has one Chinese name, but we wanted her to have a part of her heritage. We wanted one of her middle names to mean "I belong." We tried very hard to find the correct translation for this meaning, but they don't share our thought pattern for "self" in China. With over 1.3 billion people in this country, they do not go searching the spotlight as we do... yes, Americans are a special kinda breed. The more literal meaning of her name "Shuyu" is more like, "I belong to Paul and Beth." Which is not what we were going for... but the sentiment is there... she belongs.
I don't know about you but I forget Who I belong to at times... I forget my life was bought with a price... that I was saved from the fire... that Someone redeemed me from a room full of orphans and made me His own. We get disconnected. If my daughter all of the sudden developed a grand interest in China to the point that she was willing to forget about her family here and renounce her citizenship... I don't think I could ever recover. Where would I get another her? Coming from a country of over a billion to a county of over 300 million in a world of nearly 7 billion... she is the only one like her. That's true for each of us... we were created for a purpose, redeemed at a price, loved and yearned for by the Creator of us all. Adoption is an incredible gift... If you are lead to adopt... you will be blessed... if you have been adopted but you have forgotten where your home lies... turn the horse back towards the barn. If you have not been adopted yet... maybe it's time to be grafted in... pray friend... pray! He will never turn His back on a child seeking a Father... a child wanting a home. You are wanted.
I have always been enthralled by the fact that the Jews were God's chosen people. Chosen? How do you get that gig?! I wrote a song to God once where I asked Him, "Who am I to You? Gentile or Jew?" It goes back to the rejection issue obviously. To quote Paul's favorite band, 'I want Him to want me.' 11 years ago, I was picking out my first e-mail address... I had been reading my Bible and I realized that when He grafts us into the vine (in other words makes us a part of His family) we become Jews by default. Hence my e-mail name "graftedjew" try to explain that one to all your business callers. :)
Child # 4 (the one I've been talking about) has 4 names... (First, 2 middle and a last.) She only has one Chinese name, but we wanted her to have a part of her heritage. We wanted one of her middle names to mean "I belong." We tried very hard to find the correct translation for this meaning, but they don't share our thought pattern for "self" in China. With over 1.3 billion people in this country, they do not go searching the spotlight as we do... yes, Americans are a special kinda breed. The more literal meaning of her name "Shuyu" is more like, "I belong to Paul and Beth." Which is not what we were going for... but the sentiment is there... she belongs.
I don't know about you but I forget Who I belong to at times... I forget my life was bought with a price... that I was saved from the fire... that Someone redeemed me from a room full of orphans and made me His own. We get disconnected. If my daughter all of the sudden developed a grand interest in China to the point that she was willing to forget about her family here and renounce her citizenship... I don't think I could ever recover. Where would I get another her? Coming from a country of over a billion to a county of over 300 million in a world of nearly 7 billion... she is the only one like her. That's true for each of us... we were created for a purpose, redeemed at a price, loved and yearned for by the Creator of us all. Adoption is an incredible gift... If you are lead to adopt... you will be blessed... if you have been adopted but you have forgotten where your home lies... turn the horse back towards the barn. If you have not been adopted yet... maybe it's time to be grafted in... pray friend... pray! He will never turn His back on a child seeking a Father... a child wanting a home. You are wanted.
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