Saturday, December 18, 2010

I wanna run to you!

Oh my goodness. It's been almost one year since the last post! This is a very hard blog to write. I really never dreamed these words would come out of me. After almost 25 years of marriage... Paul and I are getting a divorce. It is quite shocking to me too... even though the possibility was always floating around out there, I don't think I could have pictured my life without him.

Our marriage was in a sorry state for years. I didn't really know what was wrong, but it was wrong for sure. Paul knew he was losing me. At some point I just gave up. He spent a year and a half becoming a better person. He went to therapy, men's support groups... it was such an admirable effort. However a week before Thanksgiving we had a talk about personal things and I was simply unable to continue after that. I filed for divorce the next day.

We are not using lawyers, we are making sure the kids know we are always going to be friends and family. I've told them we simply will be living in two different houses. It has actually been harder on the older ones than the younger. Kala and Spence thought their parents marriage was forever... as did I. As a matter of fact, when we went thru hard times, I would picture us old together, rocking on a front porch, holding hands, talking about our kids. That dream is dead... at least as far as I know. My goal now is to find a job and a place for the little ones and I to live. I just want to live simply. I have never really been single. It seems a little scary to me.

Do you want to know the saddest part of all this for me? This year and a half... when I was so unhappy and wanted a divorce so badly, but never thought God would allow it... I kind of ran from Him. I drank, smoked... hid away on the internet. I went to church, but not for appearance sake... never for that. But because that's what church is for. It's for sick ppl who realize they can't do it on their own... that they need a Savior. The one time I told God in prayer that I wanted to divorce and have a place of my own... I finally felt peace. I was sure that couldn't be from God. How could God ever approve the divorce of two Christians? I shook it off... surely that was my own wishful thinking.

Then, after Paul and I talked that night, I realized I'd been running from God for nothing! Foolishness! I should have been running to Him. I didn't trust him to meet my needs, whatever they might be. Why do I doubt that His ways are best? ARGH! What I wouldn't do to go back and give him everyday of that year and a half.

So things are in motion. Paul and I are doing very well as friends. Supporting each other the best we can thru this time. Holding on to God and offering kindness to one another. We crave your prayers, we offer a shoulder to cry on, should you need one and I encourage you to remember where your help comes from.