Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Throw me a rope.

First of all, I have to apologize. I usually have a pretty zippy, up, fun personality. But when I blog it's usually for one reason alone. Life's gotten too heavy and I have to write something down to get it out of my head and off my heart. So if you ever read my blog, please keep in mind that I'm not a manic depressive. lol

Having said that, I plunge head first into the dark pools I've been swimming in. I've lost faith in love. I've lost faith in men. Is there any man left on the earth a woman can trust? If you say yes, I wont believe you. If you say he's been good and decent and kind, I'll smile and nod, but inside I'll think it's a matter of time before he breaks your heart. I don't want to feel this way. I used to think of myself as an optimist. I don't want to change that, but I guess this changes that.

Why do so many hearts have to be broken every day? I have a few friends who are on the edge right now. They're losing it. I don't mean they're throwing things or drinking a little more than they should. I mean, they're LOSING IT! Life is winning, they are losing. Did we have too much? We... Americans? We're we so blessed that we don't know how to take a punch? Where do you go to give up? Where do you turn in your time card? Or the better question... how do you keep going when life just beat the crap out of you and your flattened on the ground? Sometimes surviving isn't enough anymore. Remember when we had dreams? Were those born from our imaginations or did God give them to us? And if they are from Him, isn't there still hope? This world needs hope!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know with everything Paul and I have been through the one thing that has made him thrive and kept me afloat is support. Not just groups like AA or what have you... but the friendships made through groups of this nature. I found a group of women in my town that have all been through similar things as me. That group was a lifeline. The class is over, but I still see them at times. I need a new group like this or I'll isolate again. There in lies the greatest danger. When you're alone in the bottom of a hole, no one can hear your cries for help... God will send a ladder, but you must climb out.

So here I am. I'm in the bottom of a hole marked "lost faith in love." I'm looking for a ladder. Let me know if you see one.