Monday, February 7, 2011

I'm covered.

So Paul and I have been learning so much during this journey we're going through. I've learned that I am not in control of my relationship with God. Which is funny, cause that's something I love... a man in control. Turns out, He is. But growing up slightly legalistic... I really thought I walked with God, because I chose to walk with Him. And that His acceptance of me hinged on my actions. Well this past year or so, with my actions being so far off the bulls eye (I wasn't even hitting the wall that the target was hanging on...), you would certainly think that I would feel God's anger and disapproval, but instead... I felt His peace and His patience. This is a side of God I knew existed, but I thought was only accessible to those weak in the faith. In other words, I thought because I knew better and He knew I knew better, that that kind of mercy was not really available to me.

I had a little break down last night. A break down for me means crying... I don't cry too much. I've felt so even keel through all of this that I was becoming a statue. Paul and I would go on dates and hang out with friends and just generally kept living life as usual. This seemed to confuse everyone. Everyone, but us. See, we've been best friends since we we're barely old enough to drive. Being friends isn't a stretch for us. But last night I had to face some things head on. Some hurts I couldn't shove into the corners of my mind anymore and when they stared me in the eye... it was too much for me. I am drowning in sorrow, but I just keep treading that f*!#ing water. Well last night I said no more and I allowed myself to feel some of the pain. Highly unpleasant.

I have tried to keep numb to the pain for so long that I wasn't real anymore. I was turning into a blur of pixels. I realized I had to do something drastic. I went to deactivate my FB account, but my daughter's out of the country and is communicating with us thru it. So then I decided to go thru my friends list and delete every friend that I didn't really know. My criteria was that 1) I had to have met them/would meet them or/knew them well 2) That I was supportive of them and/or vice-versa. So I started chopping away at the FB tree... I knew I might offend, but worse than that, was the thought that I would hurt any one. Sometimes though, you have to prune yourself of all excesses or when a storm comes, those branches will become your weakness and will carry you to the ground.

When Paul and I talked last night, I told him I was trying to wake up and join the world again, and that a part of that meant I needed to face the pain of the divorce. I went on a walk and came to a conclusion. It's right. It's the right thing for us and we both believe it. That doesn't mean we want it, or that we wouldn't change the past so we wouldn't have to be where we are right now... but it's the right thing and we both stick by that. It hasn't been a quick decision, but a very long and drawn out one, filled with pastoral counseling, secular counseling, marriage counselors, personal counselors, support groups, you name it.. we were there. I am coming to terms with it and God willing, I will have peace about it all one day, but until then I know something now. I know God loves me no matter what, His mercy is for me too and He will never stop pursing me. "Little lamb, little lamb, grateful for her Shepherd."