Friday, September 21, 2012

Samson Society

I have this problem finding my value, always have. It's not that I can't pinpoint my strengths, I can write you a list of my positive points... for some reason, they don't convince me of my worth. One of my weaknesses is believing that it takes a man to validate me... I'm not really in the position to be in a relationship right now, still stuck between being married and divorced on paper, for two years now. But I know I'm not the only one with this issue of self-worth.

It breaks my heart talking to some of the women I know. I hear their stories everyday. One lady is going through a divorce, and working two jobs while attending her brother's trial as he lost his kids due to his extreme bi-polar illness. Another friend just filed for divorce because her husband doesn't love her. He said she needed to lose some weight before she could earn his love. He is always on the verge of aggression, she thinks he will snap one day. He wont seek counseling so she goes to work hoping to get full time pay in order to support herself. He uses their daughter as a tool against her. I've worked at my store a year and another woman there has talked the whole time about a man she really likes. She considers them an item... while a different co-worker just told me that same man asked her out. He didn't even have the sense not to date two women at the same store. Are you kidding me?

I hate that expression "Men are dogs" because I have two beautiful sons, and they have always done the right thing as far as I know, and I want to believe there are men out there who care about the hearts of others. But tell me why so many men care about only what lies beneath their zipper. I wish they knew the lions God created them to be. Strong and steadfast, fiercely faithful, providing and protecting, gentle with their young and powerful against foes. I'm such a romantic... my brain just goes off when I think of what they are capable of. Men have the ability to be noble, wonderful creatures.

My husband broke my heart... I mean shattered it. When you see me, I smile and laugh and love to share life experiences, but I'm a broken person. I'm not ok. Some days I wonder if I'll ever recover. His actions rocked my world, changed who I am... which I didn't think could happen, but apparently I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Paul is a great dad, he loves those kids so much and has always worked hard to provide. He's extremely intelligent and humble and most often kind. He has a hundred little faults that I always tried to overlook, hoping he would also overlook mine. But like me, he is also broken. When I told him, four years ago that I was considering divorce, something came to life in him and he knew he had to get fixed. He found a hospital for his heart and they've made a new man of him.

It's called Samson Society. ( ) Our friend Nate Larkin started this group. We'd read his book Samson and the Pirate Monks ( ) It's a men's group, much like AA, using the 12 steps to help men find their footing again and although they often meet in churches, you're not about to hear a sermon here. It's a group about men being real... really real, without judgement, supporting and encouraging each other to find the strength to be better men. They build these awesome friendships outside of the meetings as well and often go to the local pub after. They're men of all ages, backgrounds, ethnicity, financial situations... and their motto is "strictly confidential." I don't think I'd want to be a fly on the wall, to be honest, but if it helps them find their roar, I'm all for it.