Saturday, January 2, 2010

Looking Up

Holy cow Imunna write a blog here... What has it been 6 months? That actually makes me want to cry cause I know how hard these last 6 months have been and what has kept me from writing. Paul and I have been through it... to say it has been overwhelming is to play it down.

It seems so poetically appropriate that it is Jan. 2nd and I would write my first blog now. It's a new year, new beginnings, a heart standing on the edge of the high dive, trying to decide if it has the guts to jump off... to trust again... to give itself away while asking for nothing in return.

I recently read that Woody Allen said of his former adopted daughter now wife (excuse me while I convulse then vomit) "The heart wants what it wants." That sounds deep right, but really he's just a nasty cuss. It's easier to manipulate words than it is the greatest fool on earth... hence the actual career of spinning politics. So I can write this blog today, sharing my heart, but not yet my circumstance. I'm actually writing a book... I've always wanted to... and maybe, at the least, it will help me gain clarity. Something I need now more that I ever have before.

If your marriage is faltering... hanging on by a thread, I only have one thing to say to you... if Paul and I can make it... anyone can. 2009 found us closer to divorce than we had ever even considered in our wildest dreams... Paul said he had always taken pride in our marriage... he took it for granted, he said... just assumed it was always gonna be there no matter what. Well no one is safe. He said if we make it to 25 years, we're having a 2nd wedding and going on a Mediterranean Cruise. I may stick if just for the cruise :)

So say a prayer, and if you're one of my many new atheist friends, wish us luck... cause it's gonna take something supernatural for us to overcome, but if it encourages you... things are looking up... literally and figuratively :)

6 comments:

  1. I cannot look back... there is no point. But I do want to say, that you would have been just the kind of friend I would have hoped and prayed for when my 1st marriage was unraveling...

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  2. Well written. I like your style.
    You will make it...whatever shape that takes, you will.

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  3. I don't think I'm very good at marriage, so I don't know what I can offer. I have been married married twice. When I married my first my first husband I had stars in my eyes and totally in love with my husband. But I was in a total fantasy not looking at the reality of our situation. I had many wounds from my childhood that I hadn't dealt with and Paul had OCD. I didn't recognize the severity of his illness and when I did I thought my love and devotion could cure him. It didn't and he turned to another woman for love and comfort. I was devastated. I was pregnant when we married and this was a terrible sin in the eyes of my family. When we split, I moved backed to NY from Baltimore. I was a total wreck. I would put on my pajamas on Friday and not get out of them til Mon. morning. My daughter, Beth was/is the joy of my life. She was the force to keep me going. Beth was born premature and had many medical problems but I loved being a mother. I was/am ambivalent about God. On the one had I believe God doesn't give more than you can handle. I was told three days after she was born that she would never walk or talk or know I was her mother. I was told to institionalize her and basically forget her. I felt God was with me when I took her home against medical advice. But one by one Paul and I dealt with her problems. I never looked long term, I think it would have scared me to death. My Mom was very helpful but both my parents inferred that her problems were the result of my sins. It was very tough, especially when Paul left me. I think his OCD made it impossible to be married and have a wife and child. But all I thought about is how I had failed him. My love wasn't enough. Where was God? I was in a very bad place. I didn't believe that God was punishing me or maybe this was another fantasy. With the support and love of friends I began to heal and get involved with life agaiin. My sister-in-law helped me to get into therapy. It was a long time. Paul was in Phil. when I got the divorce papers. It was so hard. We never really spoke again except for matters involving Beth. He didn't see her very often and disappointed Beth saying he was going to see her and then not come. To make a long story straight, about a year ago he was diagnosed with AML. A very virulent form of cancer. This did bring Beth and he closer even though his wife trated Beth like a distant relative and not his daughter. He was very ill and then went into remission for a short time. While supporting Beth through this painful process I wished that I could talk to him and resolve matters. He was my first love and we shared so many wonderful things. He was brilliant and we had great discussions, went to Art Galleries. He introduced me to classical music. Although I had accepted that we were divorced I never stopped loving him. He died a few weeks ago. I had really wanted to visit him but his wife wouldn't allow it. I just wanted to share with him our happy times. I am very sad. People don't understand why I'm feeling this way.

    I know I hijacked your thread but this gave me an opportunity. to vent. I hope your relationship with Paul is improving. Marriage is very fluid, a series of peeks and valleys. Try not to hold grudges. But always remember:
    God first,
    You second,
    Your husband third,
    And your children fourth.

    You're a wonderful person and God dwells within you.

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