Did you ever look at someone you've looked at a thousand times before and wonder who they were? I tend to do that when I look in the mirror. Who am I? I thought I knew. I was on a path. I knew where I'd come from, I knew where I was and I had visions of where I was going... where I would end up. How is it possible that smack dab in the middle of your life (or what you hope is the middle) that everything you knew, could be erased? Who hit the delete button, how did they get my password? I don't remember anyone asking my permission. I feel hacked.
That's my new focus, or what I'm hoping will become a focus. How do I become the sole bearer of my password? How do I find the strength to accept that who I was... was not what decided me anymore than who I am now decides who I will be? Am I able to decide who I will be? Is it OK? Whose permission am I looking for?
I was in church Sunday and waves of emotion were pouring over me. "Who will save me?" was the question washing over me until I thought I would drown in sadness. At the alter call I wanted to run forward to our sweet pastor and sob "I need to be rescued! Who will rescue me now? I'm alone... I've been alone and the loneliness and hurt are going to destroy me!" But I didn't. He's just a man like me. He can't save me.
I know what some are thinking.. that only God can save me, but I'm learning something more... He wants me to learn to swim. He doesn't need my password. He has full access without it. He wants to teach me to stop giving the password out. Really Lord? I mean I was always strong.. it's not that I didn't know how to swim. But now He tells me I never really swam... I was only treading water. A person gets tired treading water. Furthermore, they never go anywhere. They just stay in that spot... waiting... fearing the occasional shark... never enjoying the water... anxiously awaiting the day their strength will give out.
So here I am God. You know me. You know who I thought I was, You know who I wanted to be... but far more important, you know who I will be. You want me to learn to swim, with You as the strength in my legs.
There are so many ways to numb myself. I want so much to head for the cold, frigid waters where I'll soon lose all feeling. But that's not why You made me. Why did you make me again? Oh yeah... I have to swim. I have to feel the pain of unrelenting movement if I'm going to find that out. I'm so scared.