Tuesday, May 19, 2009

When I am on your shoulders...

My second child, oldest boy, graduates this Saturday. Yes, I do feel old, seeing as how this is the second child to leave the nest. It was very hard when our oldest daughter went away to school in '05. I couldn't believe that was all there was to parenting. As their high school hands them their diploma's, we parents are handed the certificate of "You're done... move on." Very nice, thanks! She did great out on her own, worked almost full time, went to school and attended church. We are very proud of her. As our son embarks on his future, it seems less scary. First of all, because he is a boy and that alone makes you feel safer, but he is very responsible and takes care of business before I have to say anything to him. He is what is known as an "easy kid." Never gets into much trouble, hard worker, never lets me down. I love him awful.

Having kids is so interesting. They're always a little bit you, a little bit your spouse and a little the person they will become. I can see a lot of Paul's qualities come out in the kids and I love that. I was at a special dinner party the other night... our oldest boy was with us (child #2). As Paul started talking about some interesting subject, my son's eyes glazed over... not the bored kind you might think... ha! No, it was the glaze of a boy soaking up every word his dad said. I had never noticed that before. He was just interacting and listening to others, but when his dad spoke on an interesting subject, he practically went into a trance. It was beautiful to me!

My oldest daughter's the same way with me. She is fiercely independent. If I said something was hot, she would grab it with both hands to prove me wrong. Yet she always allowed me to pour into her life... more than anyone else. She is totally her own person and a little bit of me :) What a weird process... raising this kid up from the time they are a nothing but a lump till they are an amazing beautiful functioning adult! I love her awful too!

Paul and I have had a really bad 2 or so years. Really bad. It's not that we haven't had plenty to be grateful for... things were just tough all over. I got very weak... very tired... not really myself. I used to be very strong... felt like there was nothing I couldn't do. Now, I feel like I've been hemorrhaging for a long time. The great thing about God being my Father is that when I went through all this, I was still a little bit Him. If I had been all together myself... I would have not made it. We need that... that parental influence speaking into our thoughts and decisions. Reminding us not to get too close to that cliff, to the traffic, to the deep end.

Things are just starting to look up again. Man, it's slower than I would choose, but there is hope in my heart again. God is so good! I am never deserving of His gifts... not one! But if it weren't for His constant presence I would not be here to receive a single gift He has given. He's always guiding, speaking, teaching, growing, and loving me, even when I just want to disappear. I wish I had never made one mistake where my kids are concerned... but they learn even through my mistakes. How incredible that our Father is a perfect example... when I face my times of hopelessness, His example is clear, deep and wide, no sign of unfaithfulness in Him. Thank you God for raising me... now please, raise me up.

4 comments:

  1. Oh my, that made me tear up and I'm not kidding. Awesome thoughts.

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  2. nothing to say....
    :)
    I love you!

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  3. Beautiful...
    "I was still a little bit of Him" is an amazing line that I just got stuck on...will read and reread it more in the days to come.
    Another great post...thanks for sharing your stuff, Xena.

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