Monday, July 9, 2012

Lover be strong.

I have four wonderful kids, my youngest is the only one adopted. I love adoption, it's one of those things that just speaks "this is right" loud and clear to my heart. We were in the process of becoming foster parents 3 or 4 years ago when everything fell apart in our marriage. There was a young African-American boy I wanted to adopt, but he went to a different couple because he lived in Florida and it would have been very difficult for us to have gotten custody, living in Tennessee. I was sad, but I wanted God's will for his life, not my own. God knew what was happening in my marriage even if I didn't. He knew the hell I would go through for the next several years... and I love that He could see me where I am right now. Not fully healed, but recovering. I'm out of the ICU I guess you could say and I hope not to return.

As I stand on the precipice of divorce, I wait on God, not wanting to move ahead of Him. It would be so easy to just throw in the towel and walk away, but I don't want to make a decision that will affect my entire family until I'm sure it's the right one. I'm going to try to speak with my pastor this week and get his perspective on things. He is a godly man and though he would never push his opinion on me, I believe he'll offer good advice and I'm desperate for it.

It's a very lonely place, waiting in this holding pattern. Being in cyber-space with you all for so long now, I've come to realize just how lonely we as a people are. We need affection, we need affirmation, we need to be touched and held and... well... loved. God knew this when He looked at Adam and said "It is not good for man to be alone." So He created Eve. And even though He knows how badly we need mates, He still wants to be our first love, however, God is not a substitute for a human lover. His love is much bigger. It's encompassing. When we build that relationship with Him, He becomes our strength, our shield, our refuge, our comfort, our provision, our everything. He is what no man or woman could ever be to us. The bible says he is a jealous God and I'm glad. I have to admit, when a man knows another man is making advances towards his wife... and something in him doesn't rise up... when the hair on the back of his neck doesn't stand on end and his fists don't clinch a bit, I have to wonder if something isn't wrong with that man.  I want someone to love me so much that they would fight for me and though I struggled, His grip was firm. I belong to Him and He held gently, but He held fast. That kind of reminds me of the Lighthouse skit. Here you go, if you haven't seen it. Copy and paste:

Gavin Degraw, one of my very favorite musicians, has a song where he begs his lover to be strong while he's gone. ( ) He knows she'll be weak, he knows she'll be lonely, he knows other men could come in and steal her heart away, but he asks her to wait for his return.

I want to make the right decision and only God Himself knows what that is... so I must stay focused on Him as I wait... I've always believed that He would one day return for me. I've never thought I had much value, but if these past 3 years prove anything, apparently, God thinks I am worth fighting for.

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