Monday, June 25, 2012


This blog is very cathartic for me. I use it to empty my head of all the thoughts that tumble round in it day after day. So I hope you'll excuse the constant working out of my soul with so many words. It occurs to me today that my life is not beautiful... that I am not beautiful. This plagues me at times in a culture where beauty is everything and I feel like I come up lacking.

I have so much. I've been given so much. I have this job where I am always challenged and the majority of the people are lovely. I have a very nice home. Not a mansion or a showplace, but in truth, I would never be happy trying to maintain a place of perfection or grandeur. I have a running car... barely running, the tags are expired cause it wont pass emissions and I drive in fear of cops pulling up behind me, but it has air-conditioning and so far, when I turn the key, it starts and it gets me to work and home again. I live with the father of my children and we are good friends. We are going through a period of trying to figure out if we should divorce and if not, we are open to exploring the possibilities of working things out, but at times things look grim.

I have the most wonderful kids. I adore them all. But drama arises now and then, and at times I feel like I am going to drown. We have food and clothes, and enough extras to feel fortunate. I love my church. I'm not close to anyone and I miss that. I'm greatly in need of female friends, but like a wound that hasn't healed, I am not quick to expose myself to relationships again. I'm still hiding, but at least I'm out there.

I just went through paper work that has been mounting for three years. Mostly old bills that we owed and now they are taken care of. Life is such a series of ups and downs. I guess something that is different about me is my lack of goals or dreams. It's more a time of endurance... not a lot of joy in an endurance race until it's over. It would be great if I had a birds eye view of my life. Something that whispered hope into my ear of a new day coming. I think that's where trusting God comes in. Giving Him my burdens and believing He will work them out for my good as He promised in His word. Believing that He will bring beauty... believing that He finds me beautiful. Believing that there is an end to the sadness and that joy will come in the morning... through the mourning...

I wrote this song about the toughest trial I've ever faced. It ends with these words:

"Jesus, tell her she's beautiful, tell her she's wonderful, tell her you love her so.
Oh, Jesus, tell her that in your eyes, she is a perfect prize,
just help her realize how much you love her... how much you love her... how much you love her...
and help her... believe."

It's one thing to say you have value, it's another thing to believe it... especially when the world is telling you the opposite. We are, each and every one of us, beautiful to our Maker... we have indescribable value to Him... whether or not we believe.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

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