Hi, my name's Beth... and I lack total understanding... wait... let me rephrase that... I totally lack understanding. Yes, that's it. I don't get people at all! Over a decade ago I realized this was my fault and not theirs. I could hardly think of one relationship in my life that I didn't feel conflict over... that's when I realized God was gonna scrape this up outta my DNA and work it out of me.
I know a lot of people didn't like the book, The Shack. I thought it was ok. Not great, not awful. Some people thought it was sacrilegious cause God was represented by a woman. The Bible clearly states over and over that He is a man, if you wanna believe the Bible... since it is the originating manuscript concerning God... makes sense to me. C.S. Lewis had Jesus represented by a Lion and Satan by a white witch so... whatever... The Shack wasn't supposed to be literal. Anyhoo... in this book, the Spirit of God is represented by an Asian woman... kinda floaty and awesome. The main thing I got out of this book was concerning this entity. The main character was working in a garden with the Spirit... he couldn't believe what a tangled mess it was. As they kept clearing away the brush and weeds... he finally asked what the garden was... the Spirit said, it was his heart. Wow! That really ministered to me... I have SO much junk in me and get so easily confused... I love that all the garbage we endure/survive is really a process of being cleaned out!
I was playing Scrabble with someone this morning who I always liked, but I kinda thought couldn't stand me. Don't ask me why I kept going back... glutton for punishment (coming from myself.) Turns out it was just a long, hard, cold, true winter in his parts and he came out as friendly as could be. I kinda beat myself up over that a little too. When will I learn I can't be responsible for peoples reaction to me? My husband is so good at this! Water off a ducks back... must be nice (big sigh.)
I think it's possible though that people like me (and I know there are millions of us) are the way we are for a greater purpose. Sometimes I feel like I can see into a person's heart... which, if they're hurting and need someone to truly feel their pain, can be a good thing. But these gifts, like everything, get distorted... what God gave for good, Satan wants to use for evil. So instead of wondering what is hurting someone... I wonder why they're hurting me... so selfish... and yet, so hard to ignore!
I know you have gifts... a compassionate heart, a desire to serve, a love for the lost, a love for the found... doesn't matter... it's God's gift to you... to give to him. Just like a Dad gives a child money to buy his Mom a birthday gift, God allows us to be a part of His greater plan. I hope I can encourage you that 1) you're not always gonna be like you are today... that barren land will be a thriving garden one day... and 2) don't let Satan twist what God gave ya. There is enough craziness to go around... breath in, breath out... and let go. God will work it out.