Thursday, April 16, 2009

Hold my hand... I'll make sure to let it go.

I have been on facebook for a year and a half and I realized something... it's like community on steroids. I have learned so much about myself, others, communication, socialization... the list goes on and on. I learned something new about myself, that many of you may be slapping yourself on the head (V-8 style) as I am just figuring it out... I think I allow my happiness to depend on others. Ack! Big revelation to me. On the days where I get lots of messages, inbox mails and interaction on Scrabble, I am happy!!! On the days where things are more subdued, I am sad. Pretty simple, kinda lame. I learned that I am looking for something... to deep to dwell on yet... but it's something I'm lacking. I think I have tried to feed my flesh for years... mostly by trying to feed my flesh... but I desperately want something... grrr... to be 20 years older and not age yet. Isn't it great to look back? I mean, not always, but still... how great to gain understanding.

When I was in the 6th grade, I was very popular... have no clue how it happened... but everyone was following me and listening to me... strange. I guess I decided I would use my powers for good cause there were 3 students, girls, who came to our school, don't know why or how, but there they were. One was from a Latin country, two were from Vietnam. I tried to speak what little Spanish I could muster to my Latin friend Ana. Mainly I repeated the word "recro", if I remember correctly, so that she knew she was welcome to play with us. I might have tried using the word "recro" on the girls from Vietnam too, maybe I thought it couldn't hurt.

I made this 6th grade class the kind of Utopia I always felt the world should be. All accepting, all inclusive... ALL. Then I got sick... really sick. For two weeks. They did tests of all kinds... they didn't really figure it out. When I got back, the troops rebelled. They did not want Utopia, they wanted cliques. I became despised among girls. I will never forget asking the new ring leader what I did wrong so that I could apologize. She told me to go to Hell. I was shocked... no one had ever said that to me... in fact quite the opposite. That year was not much fun. I lost my best friend of many years and it hurt deeply.

So fast forward... I am still learning you can't fix all problems. You can't make everyone like you. Even though Christians are supposed to be like-minded, we're often not. We are empty vessels wanting to be filled with something... anything to make that hurt and void go away. The funny thing is, I know that if I throw myself into God's arms, the way I have in the past... the hurt and the emptiness begin to dissipate. But I keep throwing myself into quick fixes. They never, ever satisfy. Again, lucky am I that I haven't tried drugs.

I wonder if you are hiding today... or hiding something. I wonder what you lack that you so desperately need. Maybe that's why the Bible says to continue fellowshipping as the end draws near and not to give that up as many have... because we need to encourage one another not to self medicate. Again, how important to live openly with one another. I had a friend share something with me, that she had kept quiet. The funny thing was, God had shown me already, clear as day... but I think it blessed her to say it out loud. In turn, I shared with her my failings and I knew that was good for me too. Like Popeye, I am what I am, but I'm not what I was and I'm not what I will be. I hope I don't rely on all of you for my happiness in the the future, but I do hope we will still spur one another on in love. Maybe that's why we have chosen the narrow road... it brings us closer together :)


  1. I remember well an odd little man from another church. He said, "The saddest moment in my life was when I found out that not everybody liked me"!

    We continue to grow every day. We have been told we are never stagnant in our Christian walk. We are either going forward or backward. Never stagnant.

    I hate it when I am the a 'valley' that causes growth. HATE IT. I still have a hard time thanking the Lord for that valley.