For the men.

So here's the thing... we can't decide what color hair we will have, nor the color of our eyes. Some things were decided for us before we were shaped in our mothers wombs. But there are many things we do have some say in, yes? For instance, whether or not we will be a dill weed. Most of us don't wake up in the morning and decide we are going to adversely affect someone's world, but once the day gets crackin', we are given that choice. There's a band called "boys like girls." Cause duh. It's a fact, or maybe that's not entirely correct. Maybe it should have been called "boys want girls." Now that is spot on. I know that deep down men want the same thing women want... to find someone to love and to love them in return. Or at least I assume most do. I know there are a few users out there who are just making notches in their bedposts. Prince Charmings for sure. The thing is, most men don't confuse sex with love, women do. I really encourage you young women to wait for the right person, otherwise, you will be used and you will regret it. Avoid the heartache.

Back to you young men though. We've all heard the cliche that men are not in touch with their emotions, but I would imagine that you know pretty early on if a girl is right for you or not. Could I just encourage you, if you know she's not the one, to move on? Yes, she's playing with her hair and batting her eyelashes, I get that, but that's because she wants you to love her, not because she wants to have sex with you. Some will, don't get me wrong, but it's not fair, it's not right... you're using her. And don't say she's using you too, cause in fact while she's still looking for happily ever after in your eyes, you're looking for the closest exit the morning after. You chip away at every person you do that to. They lose confidence, they lose purpose, they lose hope.

I wrote this song today... from her perspective. I hope it speaks to you in some way.
********************************************************
And here she is again, in front of a closet named regret.
She scans the contents, in search of something there that fits.
But it's the same old choices, a blouse of tears, a skirt of broken-ness.
Her heart lies on the floor, it's just a 2nd hand dress.

And there he goes again, he gave her value for a little while.
He got lost in her eyes, he told her that she had a pretty smile.
And for a moment, he had her thinking she was at her best,
but when he left her, he left a 2nd hand dress.

Girl, no man can give you what you need.
Girl, there is a truer love that supersedes...
and until you want it, you'll just have a bonnet of broken dreams.

You ain't no dime-store, you're more like a Vera Wang.
See how you sparkle? Look at those lines, look at the way you hang.
You know you're meant for more, a land of dreams a place called holiness.
So pick yourself up girl, you're not a 2nd hand dress.
***********************************************************
Any way, that's all I have to offer for today. I just hope in some way you can see the person inside the flesh. She's real, she matters, she's lasting... just because you go away and forget her, doesn't mean you didn't leave her damaged. How do you know you're a real man? The next time that PYT puts that short skirt on just for you, pat her on the forehead, tell her she has value and walk away. I know you don't believe me now, but someday you'll understand on a whole different level... and someday my friend, you'll realize, you matter too.

High Five

Love languages. Have you heard of them? Supposedly there are five ways we humans give and receive love. Most of us have a leaning towards one specific one or maybe even a mixture of a few. They are as listed: Words of affection, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. My need has been the same since I was a little girl, quality time. If I love someone and they don't have time for me, I subconsciously put up walls. I do it so that I wont feel the sting of rejection. But when someone I care about gives me their time and attention, I fall quickly. I told my husband this a thousand times, that my love language is time and attention, it seems like it might finally be sinking in. I will be patient a while longer... see where it takes us.

Why do we have such a hard time giving others what they so desperately need? It's not in our nature. It is however in our nature to work to get what we need, but not to give, clearly that goal becomes counter intuitive. Were we to focus on others needs, ours would eventually get met... at some point... if we're faithful... somewhere... hopefully... down the line.

It's quite the task, loving others. My oldest daughter and I have never been able to communicate well. Even when she was little there was an abundance of arguing. I would see her in her bed and go hold her while she slept cause it seemed like the only way I could bypass the fighting to get close to her. It's still like that now, we just can't seem to communicate, but I think we both know that despite the battles, we love each other very much.

Do you suppose we really don't understand what those closest to us need or do you think we are simply unwilling to give it? My fear is that with anyone I have a relationship with, that I will wait too long to give them what it is they need most. Whether it be that they grow up and leave home, or maybe they just move out of my life and I never see them again. Friendships die... people die... life is short and the thought that words could have been said and time could have been given, yet weren't... makes me very sad.

Sometimes we give ourselves away in too many different places, to people we were not intended to give ourselves to. It's then that we find ourselves spread to thin, with too little to offer. As I've shared before, I have this hope that Heaven will be like a big family picnic... only the potato salad can sit in the sun all day. Heaven's cool like that... and the things we never said, or the people we didn't have time for, will be accessible, and the walls we put up will be torn down, and we wont speak with our mouths, but with our hearts.

As always "must have hope" refers to my only hope. My hope that a heart can be stolen back from the pit of despair, that there is a better world awaiting. If your world seems void of love today, I encourage you to focus on someone who is in need of love. Figure out their love language... and while your at it find out your own.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

Quoting the giants.

Helen Keller. I don't think anyone could argue that she wasn't an extraordinary human being. She spent her adult life standing up for those she perceived to be the underdogs. She was a suffragist, a pacifist and appealed for the rights of those with disabilities. She is attributed with some of the most amazing quotes. This is one of my favorites. "I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do." And this one,
"It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui." I could go on and on as she lectured and wrote for many years. So what made her so amazing? She was deaf and blind save a year and a half of her infantile life. She was without language or vision, no connection to humanity, almost completely alone in the dark cell of her own mind, but God sent a light through her teacher and friend Ann Sullivan, and as Helen traversed hardships most cannot even fathom, the mainstream world gained access into a world they had been deaf and blind to for generations.

CS Lewis. Just a literary genius, that's all.  His mother died when he was but a boy. He grew up in his head, imagining other worlds, stories, and fantasies, never knowing that reality, like a bomb, would one day explode in his face. As a 19 year old soldier, he found himself in trench warfare. His friends dying all around him. He made a pact with his friend Paddy that if either should be killed, the survivor would take care of the deceased's family. Paddy did indeed die and Lewis held fast to his promise and cared for Paddy's mother until the day she also died. Lewis claimed Atheism as a young man, but as an adult he became a Christian, and said that he had been "very angry with God for not existing." After Lewis put his faith in God, he was filled with the most amazing knowledge that very few have ever been enlightened to. Or maybe the simplest and purest of folk know what he knew, but only he could express the truths of God with such eloquence. He once said, "A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell." And this... "God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." I could also quote him for days on end and it would never begin to wain in significance. 

Mother Teresa. It's so like God to make someone so tiny a spiritual giant. Who was the focus of her lifelong efforts? "The poorest of the poor." The kind of people most of us avoid. The unwanted and unloved, the starving, the destitute, the diseased. These are the people she felt called to feed and touch everyday. Truly she was the hands and feet of Jesus on earth. Such amazing beauty and unselfishness. She once saved the lives of 37 children as they were caught in a battle between the Israeli's and Palestinian's. This tiny, old, frail nun... actually negotiated a cease fire! Her father died when she was just 8 years old, she left home at 18 to join a convent and never again saw her mother or sister this side of Heaven. She had a comfortable teaching job in a convent, but she knew that wasn't the extent of her calling. She wouldn't be satisfied until she gave her dying breath meeting the needs of the "least of these." Listen to her words of wisdom. "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." She shared the day of her passing with Princess Diana. It always seemed to me that God was drawing a parallel for mankind to see. One person spent their life helping the needy because it was expected of her, while the others motive was love. 

So what is my point in sharing these excerpts concerning these quotable few? There is no denying their significance. They made an impact, not on a few, but on the world. They will not soon be forgotten, but what made them great? They were not noble, not in the least. They were not exceedingly wealthy nor handsome... but something they shared was that they had all suffered loss. They had suffered greatly. I'm not saying they picked themselves up by their bootstraps and moved on, no that's unfair to many who suffer and can't seem to rise back up. But they did not allow their heartache or miseries to define them, instead they plowed head first into life and began to live with excellence... excellence. It's very possible they would never have accomplished the things they had without those moments of  personal misery. I leave you with Helen Keller's quote.

"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming." 

Samson Society

I have this problem finding my value, always have. It's not that I can't pinpoint my strengths, I can write you a list of my positive points... for some reason, they don't convince me of my worth. One of my weaknesses is believing that it takes a man to validate me... I'm not really in the position to be in a relationship right now, still stuck between being married and divorced on paper, for two years now. But I know I'm not the only one with this issue of self-worth.

It breaks my heart talking to some of the women I know. I hear their stories everyday. One lady is going through a divorce, and working two jobs while attending her brother's trial as he lost his kids due to his extreme bi-polar illness. Another friend just filed for divorce because her husband doesn't love her. He said she needed to lose some weight before she could earn his love. He is always on the verge of aggression, she thinks he will snap one day. He wont seek counseling so she goes to work hoping to get full time pay in order to support herself. He uses their daughter as a tool against her. I've worked at my store a year and another woman there has talked the whole time about a man she really likes. She considers them an item... while a different co-worker just told me that same man asked her out. He didn't even have the sense not to date two women at the same store. Are you kidding me?

I hate that expression "Men are dogs" because I have two beautiful sons, and they have always done the right thing as far as I know, and I want to believe there are men out there who care about the hearts of others. But tell me why so many men care about only what lies beneath their zipper. I wish they knew the lions God created them to be. Strong and steadfast, fiercely faithful, providing and protecting, gentle with their young and powerful against foes. I'm such a romantic... my brain just goes off when I think of what they are capable of. Men have the ability to be noble, wonderful creatures.

My husband broke my heart... I mean shattered it. When you see me, I smile and laugh and love to share life experiences, but I'm a broken person. I'm not ok. Some days I wonder if I'll ever recover. His actions rocked my world, changed who I am... which I didn't think could happen, but apparently I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Paul is a great dad, he loves those kids so much and has always worked hard to provide. He's extremely intelligent and humble and most often kind. He has a hundred little faults that I always tried to overlook, hoping he would also overlook mine. But like me, he is also broken. When I told him, four years ago that I was considering divorce, something came to life in him and he knew he had to get fixed. He found a hospital for his heart and they've made a new man of him.

It's called Samson Society. ( http://samsonsociety.ning.com/ ) Our friend Nate Larkin started this group. We'd read his book Samson and the Pirate Monks (http://www.amazon.com/Samson-Pirate-Monks-Authentic-Brotherhood/dp/0849914590 ) It's a men's group, much like AA, using the 12 steps to help men find their footing again and although they often meet in churches, you're not about to hear a sermon here. It's a group about men being real... really real, without judgement, supporting and encouraging each other to find the strength to be better men. They build these awesome friendships outside of the meetings as well and often go to the local pub after. They're men of all ages, backgrounds, ethnicity, financial situations... and their motto is "strictly confidential." I don't think I'd want to be a fly on the wall, to be honest, but if it helps them find their roar, I'm all for it.

The Quiet Man

Americans, huh?! "What are you like!" As my British friends would say. "We don't take no sh*t." That's kind of our motto, dontcha think? If you look at those we put up on a pedestal, they tend to embody that belief. John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, Sylvester Stallone... they had all the great lines. "... You've got to ask yourself one question. 'Do I feel lucky?' Well do ya', punk?" Or what about this one... "I'm your worst nightmare." Even when they were romantic, it was a full on action scene. Remember John Wayne in The Quiet Man? Come on now, this is how it should be done.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu8PcufLNsQ   
Even our president took on that spirit when a foreign enemy came on our soil and destroyed the lives of thousands of people. All of the sudden we were cowboys chasing down the bad guys and keeping them at bay. Not that we all rallied behind him, but that same attitude couldn't be mistaken.

I admit, I'm drawn to that kind of man at times. A protector, a leader, a 'definer of moments.' They make the tough decisions at crucial times and are willing to live with the consequences. Someones got to do it I s'pose or we'd all be shaking in our boots, afraid of our own shadows. It's the child in us maybe... that needs to know someone bigger and stronger than us is in control and watching out for our good.

I find it easy to make decisions quickly. I doubt I'm always right, but when there's a job to be done, I'll do it. I want to be someone who can be relied upon. But at times I find myself in need... I like being the weaker vessel. I like being able to be vulnerable when there are strong hands nearby to rely on. The funny thing is, I'm also drawn to a humble man... a man who does what needs to be done, but not because he holds himself in high esteem, but because there is a need and he knows it's his duty to meet that need. I respect that man.

My pastor once commented on Christ, and how he carried the cross, his burden, on his shoulder without a word... without complaint, without a curse or a whimper. I can't fathom him giving a line like, "Eat this, sin!" He was humble, as the Bible said..."He was obedient... even to the point of death... even death on a cross." I think the point where a man becomes a man is when he uses his strength and power for the betterment of others and not in order to obtain personal gain. That's a man's man. That's a man we can respect, or should.

Sure we love to cheer on the bad-a**es. After all, they've got the brawn, the guns, the power... it comes naturally to root for the hero. But in the end, it's the man who lays his life down in love that deserves true praise. The missionary who is imprisoned for his faith, the father who loses his job and mows lawns to put food on his family's table, the police officer who puts his own life in danger to rescue women and children from abusive relationships, the retired man who feeds and dresses his wife every day because she has Alzheimers. There are plenty of heroes out there who've never had a catch phrase in their lives, but they deserve our respect. So 'a tip o' the hat to ya'.' As Maureen O'Hara might have said... after she was done with that kiss.

Hi, who are you?

I used to be a cake person. I think am a pie person now.

I support a person's right to bear arms. And I would support an amendment making it much more difficult for someone to get a gun quickly and without a lengthy background check.

I have never been a cat person. I have a fear that I could become one in the future, but I am a dog person and proud of it. (I'm sorry cat friends.)

I believe that everything the Bible says is true, and I wont apologize for that, but I will apologize for the fact that you, as a non-believer, may have felt unloved by Christians in the past.  I can only tell you that God loves you enough to give up everything in order to be close to you... he loves you that much. I can only ask your forgiveness if my example has ever led you away from Him.

I don't like the rain much, but I love the wind. I feel alive in the wind. Like anything could happen.

I love wood. I love the smell, the feel and the look of it. I think carpenters are kinda hot.

I adore my kids, I think they're awesome. All of them in their own way. I love that they make me laugh and I would die for them... they are a gift to me from God.

I don't need to be rich and I've met very few rich people that I was impressed with. Money is like the teen years. It somehow keeps your character from advancing.

I love people. All kinds of people. I like to analyze them, they interest me to no end. I don't know if I'm trying to understand the human condition through each new study, or if each individual is simply fascinating on their own, but I never grow tired of people's stories.

I like compliments and attention. I guess that should be obvious, I think most people do, but I didn't know this about myself till I was 40. In my family, receiving compliments or attention was an open invitation to be lambasted by certain members of the family. I learned to diffuse these two things early on. Now I realize I crave them. Who knew?

Some days I feel kinda sexy, some days I hate to look in the mirror. I think it would be much easier to be a man.

I live in my head far too much.

So this is me, or a bit of me. Would you like to tell me who you are? You could post it on my wall or send it to my inbox or just leave a comment. I would love that. Thanks! :)

It's not me, it's you.

I was thinking about people and why so many of us are always stressed out. It seems to me that we look at our list of things to do and we get overwhelmed. We get upset cause others don't seem to feel any urgency for the demands on us. We think it should be obvious, but the list exists in our minds, not theirs.

Take the woman at my work who I've mentioned before. She's constantly stressed. It shows on her face. I watch her as she toils and frets as her gaze sweeps from one side of the store to the next. You can clearly see that she has taken on every task as if it's her own. She's made her list too big to manage.  The voice in her head tells her that its all fallen upon her... so she begins to micro-manage, which only adds to her troubles. She has doubled her work load as she now has to find a way to make the list of chores in her mind, the list of chores on every ones mind. But now... how to control peoples minds? It can't be done and her frustration rises.

I know that feeling. I look around my home and think that the dishes and the laundry and the trash etc. should matter to us all. How can it not? It affects us all, right? They can't really assume that I can do it all by myself while working close to 40 hours, right? They must know that leaving the lights and fans on costs our family money we don't have, right? Surely they recognize that it's impossible for one person to do the work of 5 people, right?! I don't think they do... or maybe they just don't care. Or maybe the lists in their heads don't match the list in my head. Maybe they have lists of their own and they are overwhelmed by the things that concern them most.

I see the way the woman at my work interacts with other employees. I've noticed that when she has to deal with someone who has a very laid-back personality, it sends her through the roof, she can't control their reactions and she wants to. It must be so terribly frustrating for her... this need to control and the inability to control other peoples reactions to what she considers pressing. It makes me tired just thinking about it.

So I was thinking... how do we communicate our needs to one another? How do we convey our need for help with these cranial lists, without becoming shrew-like, without becoming plowed over by our own demands? It's the same answer for many of the problems we face... by being less self involved. By discovering who the people around us are. By investigating their needs, and caring about their lists, by trying to understand what things threaten to plow them over. Is there time for this? I mean, whose arms will take care of business if our arms are holding each other up? Who will be left to focus on the details if our focus is on "the least of these"? You want my edjamacated answer? Magic. Truly it is, albeit divine magic, it's not something we mortals can explain. Math doesn't work this way. If you divide the hours of the day by the tasks at hand... there simply isn't time to make time for others is there? I've never been very good at math, but I can see the hand of God when He moves. At the end of the day, all there is, is people. Souls meant to reach their potential and when we allow imaginary to-do lists run our lives, people fall through the cracks... we fall through the cracks.

I can take out the trash, I can even ask for help and if I don't receive it, I can wait... and if I'm patient, I may actually learn something in the process. I'm learning something right now even as I write and I wait on God to teach me a new lesson, or maybe remind me of an old one. Normally, I'd look up the verse that ties all my thoughts together in a nice little bow... but today, my daughter wants to sing me a new song she just learned... I think I'll go find out what things are on her list in that pretty little head of hers.

Lover be strong.

I have four wonderful kids, my youngest is the only one adopted. I love adoption, it's one of those things that just speaks "this is right" loud and clear to my heart. We were in the process of becoming foster parents 3 or 4 years ago when everything fell apart in our marriage. There was a young African-American boy I wanted to adopt, but he went to a different couple because he lived in Florida and it would have been very difficult for us to have gotten custody, living in Tennessee. I was sad, but I wanted God's will for his life, not my own. God knew what was happening in my marriage even if I didn't. He knew the hell I would go through for the next several years... and I love that He could see me where I am right now. Not fully healed, but recovering. I'm out of the ICU I guess you could say and I hope not to return.

As I stand on the precipice of divorce, I wait on God, not wanting to move ahead of Him. It would be so easy to just throw in the towel and walk away, but I don't want to make a decision that will affect my entire family until I'm sure it's the right one. I'm going to try to speak with my pastor this week and get his perspective on things. He is a godly man and though he would never push his opinion on me, I believe he'll offer good advice and I'm desperate for it.

It's a very lonely place, waiting in this holding pattern. Being in cyber-space with you all for so long now, I've come to realize just how lonely we as a people are. We need affection, we need affirmation, we need to be touched and held and... well... loved. God knew this when He looked at Adam and said "It is not good for man to be alone." So He created Eve. And even though He knows how badly we need mates, He still wants to be our first love, however, God is not a substitute for a human lover. His love is much bigger. It's encompassing. When we build that relationship with Him, He becomes our strength, our shield, our refuge, our comfort, our provision, our everything. He is what no man or woman could ever be to us. The bible says he is a jealous God and I'm glad. I have to admit, when a man knows another man is making advances towards his wife... and something in him doesn't rise up... when the hair on the back of his neck doesn't stand on end and his fists don't clinch a bit, I have to wonder if something isn't wrong with that man.  I want someone to love me so much that they would fight for me and though I struggled, His grip was firm. I belong to Him and He held gently, but He held fast. That kind of reminds me of the Lighthouse skit. Here you go, if you haven't seen it. Copy and paste:    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_M0H5nrY8E

Gavin Degraw, one of my very favorite musicians, has a song where he begs his lover to be strong while he's gone. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHiXAGfGExc ) He knows she'll be weak, he knows she'll be lonely, he knows other men could come in and steal her heart away, but he asks her to wait for his return.

I want to make the right decision and only God Himself knows what that is... so I must stay focused on Him as I wait... I've always believed that He would one day return for me. I've never thought I had much value, but if these past 3 years prove anything, apparently, God thinks I am worth fighting for.

beYOUtiful

This blog is very cathartic for me. I use it to empty my head of all the thoughts that tumble round in it day after day. So I hope you'll excuse the constant working out of my soul with so many words. It occurs to me today that my life is not beautiful... that I am not beautiful. This plagues me at times in a culture where beauty is everything and I feel like I come up lacking.

I have so much. I've been given so much. I have this job where I am always challenged and the majority of the people are lovely. I have a very nice home. Not a mansion or a showplace, but in truth, I would never be happy trying to maintain a place of perfection or grandeur. I have a running car... barely running, the tags are expired cause it wont pass emissions and I drive in fear of cops pulling up behind me, but it has air-conditioning and so far, when I turn the key, it starts and it gets me to work and home again. I live with the father of my children and we are good friends. We are going through a period of trying to figure out if we should divorce and if not, we are open to exploring the possibilities of working things out, but at times things look grim.

I have the most wonderful kids. I adore them all. But drama arises now and then, and at times I feel like I am going to drown. We have food and clothes, and enough extras to feel fortunate. I love my church. I'm not close to anyone and I miss that. I'm greatly in need of female friends, but like a wound that hasn't healed, I am not quick to expose myself to relationships again. I'm still hiding, but at least I'm out there.

I just went through paper work that has been mounting for three years. Mostly old bills that we owed and now they are taken care of. Life is such a series of ups and downs. I guess something that is different about me is my lack of goals or dreams. It's more a time of endurance... not a lot of joy in an endurance race until it's over. It would be great if I had a birds eye view of my life. Something that whispered hope into my ear of a new day coming. I think that's where trusting God comes in. Giving Him my burdens and believing He will work them out for my good as He promised in His word. Believing that He will bring beauty... believing that He finds me beautiful. Believing that there is an end to the sadness and that joy will come in the morning... through the mourning...

I wrote this song about the toughest trial I've ever faced. It ends with these words:

"Jesus, tell her she's beautiful, tell her she's wonderful, tell her you love her so.
Oh, Jesus, tell her that in your eyes, she is a perfect prize,
just help her realize how much you love her... how much you love her... how much you love her...
and help her... believe."

It's one thing to say you have value, it's another thing to believe it... especially when the world is telling you the opposite. We are, each and every one of us, beautiful to our Maker... we have indescribable value to Him... whether or not we believe.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Angry Birds

I'm feeling very grouchy all of the sudden. Must be hormonal. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Actually, I woke up feeling fine, but then someone on FB said something that irritated me and now everything's irritating me. Here's my list:

My computer's too slow.
There's something in my eye.
I ran out of Advil.
Why do I keep buying new plants? Now I have to water them all.
The birds keep pooping on my deck.
This one person at work is making every day so hard.
I didn't get enough sleep.
Why is Purple Rain on the radio? I'm not in the mood.
I have to paint the walls, but I'm so tired.
I'm lonely and I want every one to leave me alone.
Why is that thing still in my eye?!

Oh I don't know, there's a million of them and they're all rolling through my head. Not a very impressive list, but they sure are making me angry... gotta be the hormone thing. All I have to do is remind myself of all the positives in my life, but that silly list of negatives seems to be taking up a lot of space. I've been to Africa, China, Mexico... I've seen poverty... I've seen children dying in their mothers arms cause they didn't have 79 cents to buy medicine. I've been sick myself, so sick I practically lived in the ER and now I'm doing so much better, so with all that to be grateful for, why is that one person at work taking up such a huge space in my brain? Ugh!

So I tell someone how I feel, and they concur, and just for a moment, I feel better. "Ok," I tell myself. "It's not just me... this person is making a miserable work environment." But then I feel bad. I did one of the things I hate most... I gossiped. A lot of people think gossip is just sharing personal info about someone, but I know better. It's saying something about them that you probably wouldn't say to their face. I heard a song on the radio yesterday talking about how we cut people down with a sword we were never intended to pick up. I felt convicted. I just want to not feel stressed and anxious, but this person is standing in the way of my peace... or at least that's what I tell myself, but what is factual? The actuality is, I am standing in the way of my peace. How do I live at peace? Same as always. I love, I forgive... each day... each and every new offense.

Breathe, Beth, breathe. There are 24 hours in a day. Your thoughts are going to be spinning for about 18 hours of that. Choose what you are going to dwell on.

Peace in/Peace out.

Is there something, concerning peoples personalities, that really irks you? There are a few things that just make me bristle. One is controlling people. I have a hard time dealing with someone who wants to control a situation, the people around them... or even the conversation. Something inside of me just wants to tell them to relax... to let people breathe... but then I wonder if I'm trying to control things by wanting a more comfortable environment. I bite my tongue and stuff it down in order to maintain civility. I try to remember biblical teachings about forgiveness and love, but that sinful nature just wants to climb out and do some damage.

Prideful people. That's another one. Oh my wicked side comes out here more often than not. I like to get cheeky and take them down a peg or two. I don't love debating, but I love a good verbal sparring. Sure, women like confident men, but that guy who looks in the mirror more than we do... that guy who says, "enough about me, what do you like about me?" He's not scoring any points with anybody. And the sad thing is, it's almost always based in insecurity. A man who comes in and takes over the situation, oozing self confidence... that's the guy who gets the job, the girl, whatever he wants right? Some might see him as strong, but I'm seldom impressed. My interest is usually captured by that quiet, confident, spirit who knows all the answers, but doesn't raise his hand. Not because he's shy, but because he doesn't need the accolades to sustain him.

There are a few women at my work who are trying their level best to "get ahead." I see them talking down to the teenagers. Distrusting and backbiting their co-workers at every opportunity. Manipulating situations in order to make themselves look better. Just generally clawing at the air... and it makes me sad. Well, to be honest, it makes me mad first. I mean, I want to do well... I want to please my employers and make a difference, but I want to feel good about myself and my fellow employees when I lay my head down at night. It takes a lot of effort to be that intense. They must be exhausted.

From talking to one of these women, I've come to realize that her need to succeed came from her mom's constant criticism of her. I have to try to remember that when she's knocking down everyone in her path. And the other woman, I'm learning how to get along with her. As soon as she says something nasty about someone else, I change the subject. "Oh, you sound hoarse, are you sick?" My nature is to deal with things directly. "Do you realize how b*&*#y you are?" This is what I want to say. But the Bible gives incredible advice when it says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Rom 12:18. I do my best at this weakened state I am in, to live this out... but I need to give myself this gift of peace too by not re-living these frustrating moments over and over again in my head. It's too bad we can't just turn up the volume in our minds and listen to Louis Armstrong singing "What a Wonderful World," but maybe we're better off listening to what's behind what the other person is saying. It's usually the voice of their inner child asking for approval, needing to be loved. I think we all can identify with that.

The Red Thread

I often allude to a time of trial in my life that began about 5 years ago, profoundly overwhelming me about 3 years ago and as a result, I found ways to try and cope with what could have easily destroyed me. I am still baffled that I didn't run to God, but in truth, I couldn't comprehend what was happening so reality became an unsafe place for me. I hid. One of the faulty tools I used, as I've mentioned in the past, was alcohol. I am a very high-functioning alcoholic. I could be full on drunk and no one even knew. This is not a strength as you can imagine because what saves many alcoholics is that they eventually reach a bottom and then seek help. High-functioning alcoholics don't really reach a bottom until their liver gives out and then they are motivated.

I could feel God during this time. I didn't actively seek Him out, but I could feel His presence. He didn't reject me ("I will never leave you or forsake you." Heb 13:5), though I gave Him every reason to. He was so patient. After two years of daily drinking, I came to a place where I felt the strength to stand again. April 2012 marked my one year sobriety point. Unfortunately, I'm still smoking, but I believe God will free me of this vice too. Rome wasn't built in a day.

The internet was another place I learned to hide. I was fine while on-line, but take me off for too many hours in a row and I began to feel insecure. Real life was more than I could bear and had to find my safe place again.  For about 2 years I slept approximately 3 hours a night. I did the things I had to do in order for my family to carry on, but it was sad and strange how people adjusted for my lack. I'm doing much better in that department now too. I spend less than half the time on-line than I used to, and it doesn't have the grip on me it used to have. I'm so grateful for my job and co-workers.

During this addictive time on-line I met a lot of interesting people. Many of whom were professing Atheists. I didn't really want to talk about God at that time... I was kind of avoiding Him, but they did. Oh how they wanted to talk about God. So I did my best to tell them what I knew, all while trying to be honest about the fact that I wasn't, at that moment, living a life that pleased God. But you know... even if you run away from home, your dad's still your dad. I knew He still loved me and I believed He would come to my rescue when I was ready to surrender, I just couldn't quit numbing up.

It's difficult though, trying to explain God to someone who hasn't experienced Him. Some of them knew the Bible, or at least had been in some sort of church setting as a child, but they really had yet to experience God for themselves. It's like telling them to look at one red thread in a giant tapestry and follow it throughout the extent of the piece. It would be impossible. It winds and weaves it's way throughout the entire work... you couldn't possibly describe the point where it loops and where it crosses the other threads... but without it, the whole thing would fall apart.

I shared with them my personal experiences with God. I told them about the miracles He had done in my life and in the lives of those around me... but until they know that they are truly loved by someone as real as you and me... the void in their hearts is unavoidable. My heart goes out to them, as do my prayers. I grew to care deeply for many of those once strangers, but my hope is that one day, they will be a part of my family.

Being human

I need to be crushed under the weight of someones love, and I need so much space.

I'm coming out of my skin, and I'm holding it together.

I need to run and never stop. I need to sit still.

I need to lose my breath and I need to catch it.

I want all my dreams to be fulfilled. I want to be content.

I need to be seen and I need to disappear.

I need to laugh. I need to cry.

I want to live and I want to die.

You may need to be a woman to understand this, or you may only need to be human.

Bitten

I'm sitting outside now. I felt a sting on my leg. I looked down and there was a strange little bug on me. I knocked him off... not that I know if it was a him, but I'm suspecting. I looked on the ground for fear of a re-sting and saw him again. I stepped on him. He's gone... forever. He can't hurt me again. "HA HA little bug!" I think triumphantly. "That's what you get for messing with someone 9 million times your size!" I begin to contemplate that it's probably a very good thing I'm not God. I'm thinking a lot of people I've met would also be gone, never to be heard from again were I in control of such things.

Forgiveness is a complicated thing for an idea so simple. I think I have the kindness thing down. I can be kind to someone who's hurt me. I can grant them mercy in word and deed. I can even chance the re-sting. It's the forgetting the sting that perplexes me. The Bible says God has thrown my sins as far as the east is from the west... the east and west never touch. Never. Touch. That's so deep! The Bible's deep... as deep as the ocean... which is also where God says He has thrown my sins... straight to the bottom. I don't know anyone who's been to the bottom of the ocean, but I'm guessing I wont be meeting them in this lifetime.

The Bible also says that I will be forgiven with the same measure I forgive. This more than perplexes me, it haunts me. I want forgiveness. I've done a lot of bad things. I've never murdered anyone, but if I'm just comparing myself to the worst of society, then I've left myself an awful lot of room for some ugly living. So I know I must forgive, but to forgive as God forgives is beyond me. I guess that's why Romans 7:18 says "And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't." I'm not capable of such an act, but there is something inside me that is. That's why I need more of God and a whole lot less of me inside. I know how to get there... prayer, communion, and dwelling on His Word. So why do I fight it? 'Cause there's that old nature in me that rises up and strives against His Spirit. I'll never get where I need to be while allowing both to exist in me.

That bug bite hurts less each minute, but I already have two mosquito bites on my other leg. I live in a world where I have been and will be bitten again and again... time after time. I can't change that, I can only move forward. "No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead..."

Magic Mirror on the Wall...

While listening to my daughters (24 and 9) talk about who their favorite Disney heroine is, it occurred to me that we women posses qualities from each of these Disney characters.

Take Jasmine:
She calls all the shots in her relationship. Aladdin falls for her right away, but she makes him work for it. You wanna ride the magic carpet with her? You're gonna have to prove yourself first.

You've got the traditional Cinderella:
She worked her butt off for her home and waited patiently for her prince to show up and rescue her. She was the 50's woman, vacuuming in heels, and provided Charming stayed faithful, she earned her fairy tale ending.

What about Mulan?
This girl's all boy. She doesn't want to serve the soldiers, she wants to be a soldier. She's got a lot of fight in her and she's got a mission impossible, but somewhere under those weapons and shields is a girl who loves a boy and she wants to reveal her heart to him.

Arielle the mermaid:
Probably my favorite. She felt stymied in her life and was held firmly in place by her father's thumb. But with a huge gamble, she swam her heart out to reach a new life. She got that life, she also got her man and it was her voice that set her apart in his eyes. Romance trumps all with this girl.

And who doesn't love Belle?:
The thinking girls girl. She always had her nose in a book and when a handsome brute tried to capture her heart, he fell miserably short. She was looking for something more and like many of us... she was looking for a man to save. She may have been co-dependant, but he'd still be an animal (and not the good kind) if it weren't for her.

I like to think of myself as a girl who wouldn't fall for a man just because of his looks, and I like to think of myself as a reader/thinker, and also the 50's wife, but one who would fight a battle for the things that matter most... and of course I love to sing and swim although my tail's retired for the moment. I didn't even mention Tinker Bell and her jealous heart... I definitely have that going on at times. Yeah, I enjoy men and all their characteristics, but women are a special breed... we're interesting and with all our similarities, we're still unique. All beautiful in our own way. I like the thought that there's someone for everyone.

The Bible has some fascinating stories of women too. Soldiers, prostitutes, queens and daughters. I see myself in all those women too. It's a gift to be a woman and I want to start appreciating it. Who cares if the world tells us we're all supposed to be carbon copies? They're wrong. We're beautiful, just the way we are and it's time we celebrated the people we are, inside and out.

All in!

In church yesterday, two different people spoke about not losing your wonder... your amazement at God. One man asked us to recall what we loved and marveled at as children. Immediately I had a vision of the ocean... when the sun shines on it and the billions of diamonds sparkling on the waters surface. I could be mesmerized by that for hours. Even when laying on the diving board in our back yard, I was affected the same way as those light diamonds danced on our pools surface.

I realized how much Ive been thinking about the ocean these past few years. The funny thing is, I thought it was a new interest.... thinking Id like to live on the ocean, and how beautiful a wedding on the beach would be at night. But in church yesterday, I put two and two together. I have always loved the ocean... loved water in general actually. When I was a young teen, my friends would lie on the sand of our local lake in Connecticut where all the boys were, and where the sun could tan their white skin, but I was always swimming. I couldn't stay out of the water.

I just always felt better around the water... and a waterfall... well that is like the chocolate of all water. The air around oceans, forests and waterfalls are full of negative ions which are supposed to boost serotonin, causing our moods to improve. So it's not just my imagination, science and nature back me up on this... water just makes us feels good.

In the midst of the trials Ive been dealing with for the past several hurtful years, what should I do with this realization? "I love the ocean, I want to be near the ocean, the ocean makes me feel better?" I'm not sure... at least, I'm not sure how to get there or stay there... yet. I do think
it's interesting that something so welcoming and beautiful is full of so many uncertainties. Tsunamis, jelly fish, rip tides, and the ever terrifying shark. Funny, my greatest enjoyment and my biggest fear all in one place.

It's kind of like life if you think about it. You could jump in and live life to it's fullest, fears be damned. Or you could sit on the edge, enjoying the sun and the boys, but never feeling the water on your skin... never feel the rush of the giant waves crash against you as you struggle to keep your head above water, never fight the tide and win. Id like to jump in, but I'm fearful... and the thing is, I don't think I fear the things in the water as much as I fear leaving the safety of the shore. I can't seem to figure out whether I'm supposed to put my floaties on, or build a shelter on the shore. Maybe it's time to swim.

Held

Once again... huge gap since last post.

I've been thinking lately how strong the human desire is to be loved.

It comes in many forms and we crave it from the time we're infants.

Look at the newborn. Love comes in terms of nurturing. We want food, warmth, to be clean, we want... no we demand to be held. I so get that. Maybe we're all just babies at heart.

There comes a time when we realize it's our turn to give back. Someone has to or civilization would disintegrate. We can't look at ourselves anymore, we have to look after the needs of others. We begin to understand the sacrifices our parents made for us. We become more compassionate, more selfless than we ever thought possible. We grow up.

Both of these places are so good: The place of needing, of learning, of being a student. To the place of giving, teaching, leading by example. The circle of life stuff.

But what happens when something breaks that pattern? When the teacher can't find their way? When the lover needs to be loved? There's no relief for that strain... it has to break. That person must be broken to be mended again. What a harsh truth. And the fact is... there are so many of us you can't even begin to count the wounded. A devastation even war can't parallel.

So who will fix this "brokeness"? Some actually look to their children to fill those needs, but kids aren't equipped to mend the holes in our hearts. Some look to their jobs, but a job can't wrap its arms around us at night. Some give up and medicate, but even groggy we can see we're still alone.

I am broken. I am tired. I am hurting. I feel hopeless.

If you look at my last sentence you'll see I said "I am" every time except once. When it comes to hope... I only feel there is none. I am blessed to have been close to my God for many years. Even when I feel all is lost... I know there is hope. I can't see it, I can't touch it, I can't even dream it now... but I know it's there. I have forgotten my address many times as well as my phone number. I've actually forgotten my own last name... but I cannot forget my God. So many do not believe and I can understand. If you lived in a desert, could you fathom an ocean? If you lived in the city, could you dream of open fields? We are tactile people. But once you've experienced the reality of God... once you've seen that everything you've studied works perfectly together with time and space, the past and the future... once the stories of the Bible mirror the stories of your life... your doubts slip away.

It's been a terribly long journey for me these past 5 years. I do feel hopeless and in the deepest need of love. But what I know is... I am loved by the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob. I am treasured by the creator of the sun and moon. I am wanted by the forgiver of Rahab, David, and the woman at the well. I am desired by the maker of all things. I will be held again.

Throw me a rope.

First of all, I have to apologize. I usually have a pretty zippy, up, fun personality. But when I blog it's usually for one reason alone. Life's gotten too heavy and I have to write something down to get it out of my head and off my heart. So if you ever read my blog, please keep in mind that I'm not a manic depressive. lol

Having said that, I plunge head first into the dark pools I've been swimming in. I've lost faith in love. I've lost faith in men. Is there any man left on the earth a woman can trust? If you say yes, I wont believe you. If you say he's been good and decent and kind, I'll smile and nod, but inside I'll think it's a matter of time before he breaks your heart. I don't want to feel this way. I used to think of myself as an optimist. I don't want to change that, but I guess this changes that.

Why do so many hearts have to be broken every day? I have a few friends who are on the edge right now. They're losing it. I don't mean they're throwing things or drinking a little more than they should. I mean, they're LOSING IT! Life is winning, they are losing. Did we have too much? We... Americans? We're we so blessed that we don't know how to take a punch? Where do you go to give up? Where do you turn in your time card? Or the better question... how do you keep going when life just beat the crap out of you and your flattened on the ground? Sometimes surviving isn't enough anymore. Remember when we had dreams? Were those born from our imaginations or did God give them to us? And if they are from Him, isn't there still hope? This world needs hope!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know with everything Paul and I have been through the one thing that has made him thrive and kept me afloat is support. Not just groups like AA or what have you... but the friendships made through groups of this nature. I found a group of women in my town that have all been through similar things as me. That group was a lifeline. The class is over, but I still see them at times. I need a new group like this or I'll isolate again. There in lies the greatest danger. When you're alone in the bottom of a hole, no one can hear your cries for help... God will send a ladder, but you must climb out.

So here I am. I'm in the bottom of a hole marked "lost faith in love." I'm looking for a ladder. Let me know if you see one.

He loves me.

Man, I probably shouldn't write a blog right now. Truth is, I'm mad. I don't get mad too often, cause I tend to block all my feelings and just stay positive on the outside, while kinda hammering myself on the inside. These are things I'm learning about myself. I tried to numb that inner pain with alcohol, but God. I'm 23 days sober. Thank you God. I'm still numbing up in other ways, but I know He will continue His process in me. I'm so blessed to know Him. I still don't know why anyone is interested in my blog. Maybe it's like watching a train wreck... I don't know.

Our friends and even family are so confused about our divorce. Paul and I still live together... I filed back in November, but I can't finalize the divorce until I get a job... which I have not been able to. If there were a job cleaning horse stalls for no pay, weekend/overnight position... I could not get that job. It sucks. I feel stuck. But Paul and I do have a good working relationship and I think that is a blessing for the kids. We plan to continue this loving, kind, relationship even after the divorce, because it makes sense to us. We will forever be friends (we hope) and forever be the kids parents. We are always going to be partners in that, God willing.

I guess what makes me so angry is that everyone analyzes the choice to divorce. As if, if I could produce enough evidence to convince them that we have done everything we could possibly do before we got to this place, they might hesitantly offer their support. I feel like I should issue some kind of statement that I could just send out to each person who asks. I know that so many ppl ask because they care. It's not that I doubt that. I'm sure most ppl don't think about how many other ppl you've hashed it out with. What bothers me is the judgement. I got one e-mail where the woman didn't even have the courage to sign her name. She told me her husband had an affair and that they were still going to stay married. I don't remember sharing that we had that issue, but who ever she was, she had decided that if they could do that, so could I. What if that was my issue? What if my husband had 20 affairs? What if I couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him and he was abusive? Yet she still felt the freedom to write a letter telling me how God felt about my divorce and how she was succeeding and I was failing.

Then there's the ppl who tell you it's hard on the kids. Really?! Huh. I had never even considered that. Therapy? Really? You think we should try it? Huh. Never entered my mind. Get counseling from our church pastors? Huh. Well... I guess I could. Argh! Like it's not painful enough without ppl's assumptions that you are the most clueless human on the planet... when you're LIVING it! Day in and day out, for years, struggling with the tearing apart of two ppl who were one. Do you think it's painful? Really? I guess it could be. (Was the sarcasm inferred there?)

Sorry. Divorce is awful, it's so painful... what leads to the divorce has got to be just as bad or who would go there, right? So here's a couple in upheaval, in misery and the ppl who should be offering a shoulder to cry on... are slapping their wrists. If they could see me at night, in my bed... holding my head, heart breaking, struggling to make the right choice... dealing with the facts that lead up to the choice. It's overwhelming in the way the titanic was overwhelming for the passengers... all the while, trying to give a smooth ride to the little ones on board. You've no idea... unless you've been through it too. Then you know.

I heard on the radio a woman say that she had gone thru something similar... the criticisms from every side. She said the one comment she never forgot was when someone said to her, "I'm so sorry about your divorce. It must be so hard." That's all. "It must be so hard." It stuck with her, and blessed her. The woman on the radio probably believed as I did, that she'd be married forever. I dreamed of being old and holding hands on a front porch swing. Maybe some ppl get married with an out option, but I believed in RV's and rocking chairs. Sometimes we take a beating from life, and we learn to walk with a limp. I'm still crawling, I'm hoping to limp soon.

You know there's a reason God hates divorce. Is it 'cause He doesn't want ppl to jump in and out of marriages so He had to say something really profound to make His point? I don't think so. It's because to the depths of his being, He loves ppl. He knows what leads to divorce and He knows how much it hurts them. It's a wound that somehow was self inflicted... something went terribly wrong and it tore two ppl who became one... back into two again... and the tear is never clean. He hates that, and not the ppl themselves. He can heal. He can bind. He can restore. Lucky for some of us, He can do this to two broken ppl as well as He can do it for a marriage. He loves ppl. He loves me, even when you think I've failed. Even when I hate myself. Even when my life feels destroyed. He loves me. Once I get that... everything else falls into perspective.

Things women would like to say to men.

"Really? You like my hair in a pony tail on the side like Chrissy from Threes Company? Cause even as a young girl I knew there was something wrong with her."

"Why do you tell me I look better with no make up if every time I have it on you say, 'Oh, you look pretty.'"

"Why is it, with rock climbing, basketball, going out with the guys, golfing, retreat's and basket weaving courses, you spend your whole life working to buy a home you clearly don't want to be in?"

"You know, it really built up my self esteem when you said I was a good cook... until one day I noticed what you were content to eat when I didn't cook."

"Do you remember that one night, when I told you how much I loved it when you left your shoes and socks in the middle of the living room floor every night? Yeah, me neither."

"Thanks for buying me several different outfits for my birthday. None of them are even close to the same size, but it doesn't matter... it's still sweet."

"I appreciate you being so supportive of my work-outs, but if you could sound just a little less happy when I say I'm gonna exercise, that would be great."

"Member how I gave birth to your children, and then fed, clothed, washed and raised them? Yeah... I was wondering if you could do me a favor and please just tell them those 3 little words that are so close to my heart... "Get in bed!"