In church yesterday, two different people spoke about not losing your wonder... your amazement at God. One man asked us to recall what we loved and marveled at as children. Immediately I had a vision of the ocean... when the sun shines on it and the billions of diamonds sparkling on the waters surface. I could be mesmerized by that for hours. Even when laying on the diving board in our back yard, I was affected the same way as those light diamonds danced on our pools surface.
I realized how much Ive been thinking about the ocean these past few years. The funny thing is, I thought it was a new interest.... thinking Id like to live on the ocean, and how beautiful a wedding on the beach would be at night. But in church yesterday, I put two and two together. I have always loved the ocean... loved water in general actually. When I was a young teen, my friends would lie on the sand of our local lake in Connecticut where all the boys were, and where the sun could tan their white skin, but I was always swimming. I couldn't stay out of the water.
I just always felt better around the water... and a waterfall... well that is like the chocolate of all water. The air around oceans, forests and waterfalls are full of negative ions which are supposed to boost serotonin, causing our moods to improve. So it's not just my imagination, science and nature back me up on this... water just makes us feels good.
In the midst of the trials Ive been dealing with for the past several hurtful years, what should I do with this realization? "I love the ocean, I want to be near the ocean, the ocean makes me feel better?" I'm not sure... at least, I'm not sure how to get there or stay there... yet. I do think
it's interesting that something so welcoming and beautiful is full of so many uncertainties. Tsunamis, jelly fish, rip tides, and the ever terrifying shark. Funny, my greatest enjoyment and my biggest fear all in one place.
It's kind of like life if you think about it. You could jump in and live life to it's fullest, fears be damned. Or you could sit on the edge, enjoying the sun and the boys, but never feeling the water on your skin... never feel the rush of the giant waves crash against you as you struggle to keep your head above water, never fight the tide and win. Id like to jump in, but I'm fearful... and the thing is, I don't think I fear the things in the water as much as I fear leaving the safety of the shore. I can't seem to figure out whether I'm supposed to put my floaties on, or build a shelter on the shore. Maybe it's time to swim.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Held
Once again... huge gap since last post.
I've been thinking lately how strong the human desire is to be loved.
It comes in many forms and we crave it from the time we're infants.
Look at the newborn. Love comes in terms of nurturing. We want food, warmth, to be clean, we want... no we demand to be held. I so get that. Maybe we're all just babies at heart.
There comes a time when we realize it's our turn to give back. Someone has to or civilization would disintegrate. We can't look at ourselves anymore, we have to look after the needs of others. We begin to understand the sacrifices our parents made for us. We become more compassionate, more selfless than we ever thought possible. We grow up.
Both of these places are so good: The place of needing, of learning, of being a student. To the place of giving, teaching, leading by example. The circle of life stuff.
But what happens when something breaks that pattern? When the teacher can't find their way? When the lover needs to be loved? There's no relief for that strain... it has to break. That person must be broken to be mended again. What a harsh truth. And the fact is... there are so many of us you can't even begin to count the wounded. A devastation even war can't parallel.
So who will fix this "brokeness"? Some actually look to their children to fill those needs, but kids aren't equipped to mend the holes in our hearts. Some look to their jobs, but a job can't wrap its arms around us at night. Some give up and medicate, but even groggy we can see we're still alone.
I am broken. I am tired. I am hurting. I feel hopeless.
If you look at my last sentence you'll see I said "I am" every time except once. When it comes to hope... I only feel there is none. I am blessed to have been close to my God for many years. Even when I feel all is lost... I know there is hope. I can't see it, I can't touch it, I can't even dream it now... but I know it's there. I have forgotten my address many times as well as my phone number. I've actually forgotten my own last name... but I cannot forget my God. So many do not believe and I can understand. If you lived in a desert, could you fathom an ocean? If you lived in the city, could you dream of open fields? We are tactile people. But once you've experienced the reality of God... once you've seen that everything you've studied works perfectly together with time and space, the past and the future... once the stories of the Bible mirror the stories of your life... your doubts slip away.
It's been a terribly long journey for me these past 5 years. I do feel hopeless and in the deepest need of love. But what I know is... I am loved by the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob. I am treasured by the creator of the sun and moon. I am wanted by the forgiver of Rahab, David, and the woman at the well. I am desired by the maker of all things. I will be held again.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Throw me a rope.
First of all, I have to apologize. I usually have a pretty zippy, up, fun personality. But when I blog it's usually for one reason alone. Life's gotten too heavy and I have to write something down to get it out of my head and off my heart. So if you ever read my blog, please keep in mind that I'm not a manic depressive. lol
Having said that, I plunge head first into the dark pools I've been swimming in. I've lost faith in love. I've lost faith in men. Is there any man left on the earth a woman can trust? If you say yes, I wont believe you. If you say he's been good and decent and kind, I'll smile and nod, but inside I'll think it's a matter of time before he breaks your heart. I don't want to feel this way. I used to think of myself as an optimist. I don't want to change that, but I guess this changes that.
Why do so many hearts have to be broken every day? I have a few friends who are on the edge right now. They're losing it. I don't mean they're throwing things or drinking a little more than they should. I mean, they're LOSING IT! Life is winning, they are losing. Did we have too much? We... Americans? We're we so blessed that we don't know how to take a punch? Where do you go to give up? Where do you turn in your time card? Or the better question... how do you keep going when life just beat the crap out of you and your flattened on the ground? Sometimes surviving isn't enough anymore. Remember when we had dreams? Were those born from our imaginations or did God give them to us? And if they are from Him, isn't there still hope? This world needs hope!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know with everything Paul and I have been through the one thing that has made him thrive and kept me afloat is support. Not just groups like AA or what have you... but the friendships made through groups of this nature. I found a group of women in my town that have all been through similar things as me. That group was a lifeline. The class is over, but I still see them at times. I need a new group like this or I'll isolate again. There in lies the greatest danger. When you're alone in the bottom of a hole, no one can hear your cries for help... God will send a ladder, but you must climb out.
So here I am. I'm in the bottom of a hole marked "lost faith in love." I'm looking for a ladder. Let me know if you see one.
Having said that, I plunge head first into the dark pools I've been swimming in. I've lost faith in love. I've lost faith in men. Is there any man left on the earth a woman can trust? If you say yes, I wont believe you. If you say he's been good and decent and kind, I'll smile and nod, but inside I'll think it's a matter of time before he breaks your heart. I don't want to feel this way. I used to think of myself as an optimist. I don't want to change that, but I guess this changes that.
Why do so many hearts have to be broken every day? I have a few friends who are on the edge right now. They're losing it. I don't mean they're throwing things or drinking a little more than they should. I mean, they're LOSING IT! Life is winning, they are losing. Did we have too much? We... Americans? We're we so blessed that we don't know how to take a punch? Where do you go to give up? Where do you turn in your time card? Or the better question... how do you keep going when life just beat the crap out of you and your flattened on the ground? Sometimes surviving isn't enough anymore. Remember when we had dreams? Were those born from our imaginations or did God give them to us? And if they are from Him, isn't there still hope? This world needs hope!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know with everything Paul and I have been through the one thing that has made him thrive and kept me afloat is support. Not just groups like AA or what have you... but the friendships made through groups of this nature. I found a group of women in my town that have all been through similar things as me. That group was a lifeline. The class is over, but I still see them at times. I need a new group like this or I'll isolate again. There in lies the greatest danger. When you're alone in the bottom of a hole, no one can hear your cries for help... God will send a ladder, but you must climb out.
So here I am. I'm in the bottom of a hole marked "lost faith in love." I'm looking for a ladder. Let me know if you see one.
Friday, May 20, 2011
He loves me.
Man, I probably shouldn't write a blog right now. Truth is, I'm mad. I don't get mad too often, cause I tend to block all my feelings and just stay positive on the outside, while kinda hammering myself on the inside. These are things I'm learning about myself. I tried to numb that inner pain with alcohol, but God. I'm 23 days sober. Thank you God. I'm still numbing up in other ways, but I know He will continue His process in me. I'm so blessed to know Him. I still don't know why anyone is interested in my blog. Maybe it's like watching a train wreck... I don't know.
Our friends and even family are so confused about our divorce. Paul and I still live together... I filed back in November, but I can't finalize the divorce until I get a job... which I have not been able to. If there were a job cleaning horse stalls for no pay, weekend/overnight position... I could not get that job. It sucks. I feel stuck. But Paul and I do have a good working relationship and I think that is a blessing for the kids. We plan to continue this loving, kind, relationship even after the divorce, because it makes sense to us. We will forever be friends (we hope) and forever be the kids parents. We are always going to be partners in that, God willing.
I guess what makes me so angry is that everyone analyzes the choice to divorce. As if, if I could produce enough evidence to convince them that we have done everything we could possibly do before we got to this place, they might hesitantly offer their support. I feel like I should issue some kind of statement that I could just send out to each person who asks. I know that so many ppl ask because they care. It's not that I doubt that. I'm sure most ppl don't think about how many other ppl you've hashed it out with. What bothers me is the judgement. I got one e-mail where the woman didn't even have the courage to sign her name. She told me her husband had an affair and that they were still going to stay married. I don't remember sharing that we had that issue, but who ever she was, she had decided that if they could do that, so could I. What if that was my issue? What if my husband had 20 affairs? What if I couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him and he was abusive? Yet she still felt the freedom to write a letter telling me how God felt about my divorce and how she was succeeding and I was failing.
Then there's the ppl who tell you it's hard on the kids. Really?! Huh. I had never even considered that. Therapy? Really? You think we should try it? Huh. Never entered my mind. Get counseling from our church pastors? Huh. Well... I guess I could. Argh! Like it's not painful enough without ppl's assumptions that you are the most clueless human on the planet... when you're LIVING it! Day in and day out, for years, struggling with the tearing apart of two ppl who were one. Do you think it's painful? Really? I guess it could be. (Was the sarcasm inferred there?)
Sorry. Divorce is awful, it's so painful... what leads to the divorce has got to be just as bad or who would go there, right? So here's a couple in upheaval, in misery and the ppl who should be offering a shoulder to cry on... are slapping their wrists. If they could see me at night, in my bed... holding my head, heart breaking, struggling to make the right choice... dealing with the facts that lead up to the choice. It's overwhelming in the way the titanic was overwhelming for the passengers... all the while, trying to give a smooth ride to the little ones on board. You've no idea... unless you've been through it too. Then you know.
I heard on the radio a woman say that she had gone thru something similar... the criticisms from every side. She said the one comment she never forgot was when someone said to her, "I'm so sorry about your divorce. It must be so hard." That's all. "It must be so hard." It stuck with her, and blessed her. The woman on the radio probably believed as I did, that she'd be married forever. I dreamed of being old and holding hands on a front porch swing. Maybe some ppl get married with an out option, but I believed in RV's and rocking chairs. Sometimes we take a beating from life, and we learn to walk with a limp. I'm still crawling, I'm hoping to limp soon.
You know there's a reason God hates divorce. Is it 'cause He doesn't want ppl to jump in and out of marriages so He had to say something really profound to make His point? I don't think so. It's because to the depths of his being, He loves ppl. He knows what leads to divorce and He knows how much it hurts them. It's a wound that somehow was self inflicted... something went terribly wrong and it tore two ppl who became one... back into two again... and the tear is never clean. He hates that, and not the ppl themselves. He can heal. He can bind. He can restore. Lucky for some of us, He can do this to two broken ppl as well as He can do it for a marriage. He loves ppl. He loves me, even when you think I've failed. Even when I hate myself. Even when my life feels destroyed. He loves me. Once I get that... everything else falls into perspective.
Our friends and even family are so confused about our divorce. Paul and I still live together... I filed back in November, but I can't finalize the divorce until I get a job... which I have not been able to. If there were a job cleaning horse stalls for no pay, weekend/overnight position... I could not get that job. It sucks. I feel stuck. But Paul and I do have a good working relationship and I think that is a blessing for the kids. We plan to continue this loving, kind, relationship even after the divorce, because it makes sense to us. We will forever be friends (we hope) and forever be the kids parents. We are always going to be partners in that, God willing.
I guess what makes me so angry is that everyone analyzes the choice to divorce. As if, if I could produce enough evidence to convince them that we have done everything we could possibly do before we got to this place, they might hesitantly offer their support. I feel like I should issue some kind of statement that I could just send out to each person who asks. I know that so many ppl ask because they care. It's not that I doubt that. I'm sure most ppl don't think about how many other ppl you've hashed it out with. What bothers me is the judgement. I got one e-mail where the woman didn't even have the courage to sign her name. She told me her husband had an affair and that they were still going to stay married. I don't remember sharing that we had that issue, but who ever she was, she had decided that if they could do that, so could I. What if that was my issue? What if my husband had 20 affairs? What if I couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him and he was abusive? Yet she still felt the freedom to write a letter telling me how God felt about my divorce and how she was succeeding and I was failing.
Then there's the ppl who tell you it's hard on the kids. Really?! Huh. I had never even considered that. Therapy? Really? You think we should try it? Huh. Never entered my mind. Get counseling from our church pastors? Huh. Well... I guess I could. Argh! Like it's not painful enough without ppl's assumptions that you are the most clueless human on the planet... when you're LIVING it! Day in and day out, for years, struggling with the tearing apart of two ppl who were one. Do you think it's painful? Really? I guess it could be. (Was the sarcasm inferred there?)
Sorry.
I heard on the radio a woman say that she had gone thru something similar... the criticisms from every side. She said the one comment she never forgot was when someone said to her, "I'm so sorry about your divorce. It must be so hard." That's all. "It must be so hard." It stuck with her, and blessed her. The woman on the radio probably believed as I did, that she'd be married forever. I dreamed of being old and holding hands on a front porch swing. Maybe some ppl get married with an out option, but I believed in RV's and rocking chairs. Sometimes we take a beating from life, and we learn to walk with a limp. I'm still crawling, I'm hoping to limp soon.
You know there's a reason God hates divorce. Is it 'cause He doesn't want ppl to jump in and out of marriages so He had to say something really profound to make His point? I don't think so. It's because to the depths of his being, He loves ppl. He knows what leads to divorce and He knows how much it hurts them. It's a wound that somehow was self inflicted... something went terribly wrong and it tore two ppl who became one... back into two again... and the tear is never clean. He hates that, and not the ppl themselves. He can heal. He can bind. He can restore. Lucky for some of us, He can do this to two broken ppl as well as He can do it for a marriage. He loves ppl. He loves me, even when you think I've failed. Even when I hate myself. Even when my life feels destroyed. He loves me. Once I get that... everything else falls into perspective.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Things women would like to say to men.
"Really? You like my hair in a pony tail on the side like Chrissy from Threes Company? Cause even as a young girl I knew there was something wrong with her."
"Why do you tell me I look better with no make up if every time I have it on you say, 'Oh, you look pretty.'"
"Why is it, with rock climbing, basketball, going out with the guys, golfing, retreat's and basket weaving courses, you spend your whole life working to buy a home you clearly don't want to be in?"
"You know, it really built up my self esteem when you said I was a good cook... until one day I noticed what you were content to eat when I didn't cook."
"Do you remember that one night, when I told you how much I loved it when you left your shoes and socks in the middle of the living room floor every night? Yeah, me neither."
"Thanks for buying me several different outfits for my birthday. None of them are even close to the same size, but it doesn't matter... it's still sweet."
"I appreciate you being so supportive of my work-outs, but if you could sound just a little less happy when I say I'm gonna exercise, that would be great."
"Member how I gave birth to your children, and then fed, clothed, washed and raised them? Yeah... I was wondering if you could do me a favor and please just tell them those 3 little words that are so close to my heart... "Get in bed!"
"Why do you tell me I look better with no make up if every time I have it on you say, 'Oh, you look pretty.'"
"Why is it, with rock climbing, basketball, going out with the guys, golfing, retreat's and basket weaving courses, you spend your whole life working to buy a home you clearly don't want to be in?"
"You know, it really built up my self esteem when you said I was a good cook... until one day I noticed what you were content to eat when I didn't cook."
"Do you remember that one night, when I told you how much I loved it when you left your shoes and socks in the middle of the living room floor every night? Yeah, me neither."
"Thanks for buying me several different outfits for my birthday. None of them are even close to the same size, but it doesn't matter... it's still sweet."
"I appreciate you being so supportive of my work-outs, but if you could sound just a little less happy when I say I'm gonna exercise, that would be great."
"Member how I gave birth to your children, and then fed, clothed, washed and raised them? Yeah... I was wondering if you could do me a favor and please just tell them those 3 little words that are so close to my heart... "Get in bed!"
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Your world is full of Sunshines.
I've been thinking about a girl I knew in high school today. She was a year or two younger. I didn't know her well. I'll call her Sunshine, cause she was always smiling and happy. I got married when I was 17, so by a year after graduation, I was already an old married woman when I'd heard the news.
Sunshine had taken her own life. She had been arguing with her mom. Her mom went outside then heard a shot and ran back in to see her little Sunshine laying dead on the bed, a single shot point blank into her head.
I believe in God. I know Sunshine did too. I believe when we die, we stand before Him and according to the Bible, if we were His... if we responded to His invitation to be His child, He welcomes us home. I share that to say... I knew where she was. I was sad for her... very sad, and confused as to how someone her age could hurt that deeply... with her life just beginning, but I knew she was not dead in the cold ground. She was with Jesus.
However the person I could never get out of my head, was her mom. I was just 18 or 20 so it wasn't really natural to identify with the mom, but I did. I assumed the thoughts she was thinking, once she was able to regain any sanity... were 'Why didn't I just close my mouth? Why didn't I just give in this once? How did I fail her so miserably? Why didn't I keep that gun where she'd never find it? Why didn't I do more to make her feel loved?' etc. etc. ad nauseum until she wanted to take her own life. I'm sure that was one of the first lucid thoughts she had... was why couldn't she be the one laying on the bed and her daughter be alive and well.
I don't know why I'm thinking of this family. But 20 years later, my heart still goes out to them. I still hurt for them cause I know for them it probably still feels like yesterday. Was it really their conversation that pushed Sunshine over the edge or was Sunshine waiting for her mom to leave so she could go ahead with her plan to end her (assumed) miserable life?
How many ppl do we talk to everyday? As a self proclaimed recluse I don't talk to too many "real life" ppl most of the week, but... on a daily basis, through the Internet, I speak to dozens. I wonder how many times I'm aware the person who "liked" my silly post... has cancer. I wonder if the person who hurt my feelings, one too many times, and now I avoid... is being beaten or abused at home. I wonder if that flirty young guy I defriended... was also suicidal.
One thing I have learned in the past two years on the Internet is that everyone is hurting. And some to the point of doing anything they can to get away from the pain. I've been in that place, and it's a daily struggle to come back out. Sometimes the solitude feels safe, but this is a dark place. We're blind here and we need the encouragement and love of those who care to help us navigate through the night. I stopped reaching out to church friends. I got hurt so I hid. But you can get hurt anywhere, as long as ppl are still ppl.
I'm trying to come back out. I go to a women's group now and I'm trying to trust again, but it's gonna be a long road. It's time to feel all the hurts and stop stuffing them down. If you're hurting deeply as I have been, I really encourage you to pray. Even if you've never been a prayer. God might have been a far off light for me during this lonely time, but I could always see that light and it was the only thing that offered me hope... that there was a better tomorrow waiting.
I also encourage those of you who feel strong now. How many Sunshines cross your path and you never even know it? Speak kindly, to them, and about them. Give them something to hope for. If they're close, touch them. Stroke their hair and hold their hand while it's in your power to do so. Life is too short, not to focus on others.
Sunshine had taken her own life. She had been arguing with her mom. Her mom went outside then heard a shot and ran back in to see her little Sunshine laying dead on the bed, a single shot point blank into her head.
I believe in God. I know Sunshine did too. I believe when we die, we stand before Him and according to the Bible, if we were His... if we responded to His invitation to be His child, He welcomes us home. I share that to say... I knew where she was. I was sad for her... very sad, and confused as to how someone her age could hurt that deeply... with her life just beginning, but I knew she was not dead in the cold ground. She was with Jesus.
However the person I could never get out of my head, was her mom. I was just 18 or 20 so it wasn't really natural to identify with the mom, but I did. I assumed the thoughts she was thinking, once she was able to regain any sanity... were 'Why didn't I just close my mouth? Why didn't I just give in this once? How did I fail her so miserably? Why didn't I keep that gun where she'd never find it? Why didn't I do more to make her feel loved?' etc. etc. ad nauseum until she wanted to take her own life. I'm sure that was one of the first lucid thoughts she had... was why couldn't she be the one laying on the bed and her daughter be alive and well.
I don't know why I'm thinking of this family. But 20 years later, my heart still goes out to them. I still hurt for them cause I know for them it probably still feels like yesterday. Was it really their conversation that pushed Sunshine over the edge or was Sunshine waiting for her mom to leave so she could go ahead with her plan to end her (assumed) miserable life?
How many ppl do we talk to everyday? As a self proclaimed recluse I don't talk to too many "real life" ppl most of the week, but... on a daily basis, through the Internet, I speak to dozens. I wonder how many times I'm aware the person who "liked" my silly post... has cancer. I wonder if the person who hurt my feelings, one too many times, and now I avoid... is being beaten or abused at home. I wonder if that flirty young guy I defriended... was also suicidal.
One thing I have learned in the past two years on the Internet is that everyone is hurting. And some to the point of doing anything they can to get away from the pain. I've been in that place, and it's a daily struggle to come back out. Sometimes the solitude feels safe, but this is a dark place. We're blind here and we need the encouragement and love of those who care to help us navigate through the night. I stopped reaching out to church friends. I got hurt so I hid. But you can get hurt anywhere, as long as ppl are still ppl.
I'm trying to come back out. I go to a women's group now and I'm trying to trust again, but it's gonna be a long road. It's time to feel all the hurts and stop stuffing them down. If you're hurting deeply as I have been, I really encourage you to pray. Even if you've never been a prayer. God might have been a far off light for me during this lonely time, but I could always see that light and it was the only thing that offered me hope... that there was a better tomorrow waiting.
I also encourage those of you who feel strong now. How many Sunshines cross your path and you never even know it? Speak kindly, to them, and about them. Give them something to hope for. If they're close, touch them. Stroke their hair and hold their hand while it's in your power to do so. Life is too short, not to focus on others.
Monday, February 7, 2011
I'm covered.
So Paul and I have been learning so much during this journey we're going through. I've learned that I am not in control of my relationship with God. Which is funny, cause that's something I love... a man in control. Turns out, He is. But growing up slightly legalistic... I really thought I walked with God, because I chose to walk with Him. And that His acceptance of me hinged on my actions. Well this past year or so, with my actions being so far off the bulls eye (I wasn't even hitting the wall that the target was hanging on...), you would certainly think that I would feel God's anger and disapproval, but instead... I felt His peace and His patience. This is a side of God I knew existed, but I thought was only accessible to those weak in the faith. In other words, I thought because I knew better and He knew I knew better, that that kind of mercy was not really available to me.
I had a little break down last night. A break down for me means crying... I don't cry too much. I've felt so even keel through all of this that I was becoming a statue. Paul and I would go on dates and hang out with friends and just generally kept living life as usual. This seemed to confuse everyone. Everyone, but us. See, we've been best friends since we we're barely old enough to drive. Being friends isn't a stretch for us. But last night I had to face some things head on. Some hurts I couldn't shove into the corners of my mind anymore and when they stared me in the eye... it was too much for me. I am drowning in sorrow, but I just keep treading that f*!#ing water. Well last night I said no more and I allowed myself to feel some of the pain. Highly unpleasant.
I have tried to keep numb to the pain for so long that I wasn't real anymore. I was turning into a blur of pixels. I realized I had to do something drastic. I went to deactivate my FB account, but my daughter's out of the country and is communicating with us thru it. So then I decided to go thru my friends list and delete every friend that I didn't really know. My criteria was that 1) I had to have met them/would meet them or/knew them well 2) That I was supportive of them and/or vice-versa. So I started chopping away at the FB tree... I knew I might offend, but worse than that, was the thought that I would hurt any one. Sometimes though, you have to prune yourself of all excesses or when a storm comes, those branches will become your weakness and will carry you to the ground.
When Paul and I talked last night, I told him I was trying to wake up and join the world again, and that a part of that meant I needed to face the pain of the divorce. I went on a walk and came to a conclusion. It's right. It's the right thing for us and we both believe it. That doesn't mean we want it, or that we wouldn't change the past so we wouldn't have to be where we are right now... but it's the right thing and we both stick by that. It hasn't been a quick decision, but a very long and drawn out one, filled with pastoral counseling, secular counseling, marriage counselors, personal counselors, support groups, you name it.. we were there. I am coming to terms with it and God willing, I will have peace about it all one day, but until then I know something now. I know God loves me no matter what, His mercy is for me too and He will never stop pursing me. "Little lamb, little lamb, grateful for her Shepherd."
I had a little break down last night. A break down for me means crying... I don't cry too much. I've felt so even keel through all of this that I was becoming a statue. Paul and I would go on dates and hang out with friends and just generally kept living life as usual. This seemed to confuse everyone. Everyone, but us. See, we've been best friends since we we're barely old enough to drive. Being friends isn't a stretch for us. But last night I had to face some things head on. Some hurts I couldn't shove into the corners of my mind anymore and when they stared me in the eye... it was too much for me. I am drowning in sorrow, but I just keep treading that f*!#ing water. Well last night I said no more and I allowed myself to feel some of the pain. Highly unpleasant.
I have tried to keep numb to the pain for so long that I wasn't real anymore. I was turning into a blur of pixels. I realized I had to do something drastic. I went to deactivate my FB account, but my daughter's out of the country and is communicating with us thru it. So then I decided to go thru my friends list and delete every friend that I didn't really know. My criteria was that 1) I had to have met them/would meet them or/knew them well 2) That I was supportive of them and/or vice-versa. So I started chopping away at the FB tree... I knew I might offend, but worse than that, was the thought that I would hurt any one. Sometimes though, you have to prune yourself of all excesses or when a storm comes, those branches will become your weakness and will carry you to the ground.
When Paul and I talked last night, I told him I was trying to wake up and join the world again, and that a part of that meant I needed to face the pain of the divorce. I went on a walk and came to a conclusion. It's right. It's the right thing for us and we both believe it. That doesn't mean we want it, or that we wouldn't change the past so we wouldn't have to be where we are right now... but it's the right thing and we both stick by that. It hasn't been a quick decision, but a very long and drawn out one, filled with pastoral counseling, secular counseling, marriage counselors, personal counselors, support groups, you name it.. we were there. I am coming to terms with it and God willing, I will have peace about it all one day, but until then I know something now. I know God loves me no matter what, His mercy is for me too and He will never stop pursing me. "Little lamb, little lamb, grateful for her Shepherd."
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A city *under* a hill.
This thought came to me today. What if... and this is addressed to Christians, so you're welcome to read this if you are not one, but it's not really being sent to your mailbox... What if, the only time we gave words of encouragement was when we were ready to physically back it up? I wonder how much more seriously we would weigh our offerings.
I mean.. it's not that we don't mean well. We definitely *want* our neighbor who's sick to get well. We want our friend to find another job since he was laid off. We want that couple to get pregnant, they've been trying SO long. But... sometimes we just... say things. We tell them to be strong and know that God is on their side. (He is.) We tell them all things will work together for their good. (It will.) We tell them we'll pray for them. (Sometimes we remember to do that too.)
But what if we met them somewhere? Or took some sort of something to their house? (Christians are good at casseroles. Don't knock the power of a good casserole.) Or what if we... dare I say it out loud... invited them into our home? WAIT A MINUTE! Now that's getting a little personal. We have jobs and kids and no time to clean and our house is too small/lacking in proper furniture/filled with kids etc., etc, etc. I definitely struggle with that. I am a total recluse. Three years now. If I didn't have FB to remind me how to speak to other ppl I would be curled up in a ball in the corner every time the doorbell rang. So if anyone understands not reaching out... I understand it. But the words come easy cause in our hearts... we really do care. I love ppl. I enjoy them, they make me laugh and cry... I love their stories.. I just love them. But to invite them into my safe place... that's scary.
A few years ago I decided I'd had enough of friendship. I'd been burned so many times that I knew I couldn't face one more let down. My heart was broken and empty and that's when I went into my little turtle shell. I didn't trust women anymore, nor did I understand them. I loved ppl.. was I really so hard to love in return? What I wouldn't have given to have had someone meet me for coffee, follow up an invitation, or the big one... invite me into their home. My marriage fell apart, and I felt fully alone. I talked so little that there were times I did not recognize my own voice. A puppy we had was my solace when the kids were tucked in and I was alone.
Does this sound beyond pathetic? I'd be ashamed if I believed I were the only one. But since being on the Internet, I have found there are more like me than not. The world is alone and hurting. It's not because God doesn't love us... it's because His hands and feet (the church) is secluding. We're becoming hobbits living in shires. I encourage you, if you have the strength, love on ppl, however you can. And if words are all you can offer... let that be your last resort.
I mean.. it's not that we don't mean well. We definitely *want* our neighbor who's sick to get well. We want our friend to find another job since he was laid off. We want that couple to get pregnant, they've been trying SO long. But... sometimes we just... say things. We tell them to be strong and know that God is on their side. (He is.) We tell them all things will work together for their good. (It will.) We tell them we'll pray for them. (Sometimes we remember to do that too.)
But what if we met them somewhere? Or took some sort of something to their house? (Christians are good at casseroles. Don't knock the power of a good casserole.) Or what if we... dare I say it out loud... invited them into our home? WAIT A MINUTE! Now that's getting a little personal. We have jobs and kids and no time to clean and our house is too small/lacking in proper furniture/filled with kids etc., etc, etc. I definitely struggle with that. I am a total recluse. Three years now. If I didn't have FB to remind me how to speak to other ppl I would be curled up in a ball in the corner every time the doorbell rang. So if anyone understands not reaching out... I understand it. But the words come easy cause in our hearts... we really do care. I love ppl. I enjoy them, they make me laugh and cry... I love their stories.. I just love them. But to invite them into my safe place... that's scary.
A few years ago I decided I'd had enough of friendship. I'd been burned so many times that I knew I couldn't face one more let down. My heart was broken and empty and that's when I went into my little turtle shell. I didn't trust women anymore, nor did I understand them. I loved ppl.. was I really so hard to love in return? What I wouldn't have given to have had someone meet me for coffee, follow up an invitation, or the big one... invite me into their home. My marriage fell apart, and I felt fully alone. I talked so little that there were times I did not recognize my own voice. A puppy we had was my solace when the kids were tucked in and I was alone.
Does this sound beyond pathetic? I'd be ashamed if I believed I were the only one. But since being on the Internet, I have found there are more like me than not. The world is alone and hurting. It's not because God doesn't love us... it's because His hands and feet (the church) is secluding. We're becoming hobbits living in shires. I encourage you, if you have the strength, love on ppl, however you can. And if words are all you can offer... let that be your last resort.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Sink or Swim
Did you ever look at someone you've looked at a thousand times before and wonder who they were? I tend to do that when I look in the mirror. Who am I? I thought I knew. I was on a path. I knew where I'd come from, I knew where I was and I had visions of where I was going... where I would end up. How is it possible that smack dab in the middle of your life (or what you hope is the middle) that everything you knew, could be erased? Who hit the delete button, how did they get my password? I don't remember anyone asking my permission. I feel hacked.
That's my new focus, or what I'm hoping will become a focus. How do I become the sole bearer of my password? How do I find the strength to accept that who I was... was not what decided me anymore than who I am now decides who I will be? Am I able to decide who I will be? Is it OK? Whose permission am I looking for?
I was in church Sunday and waves of emotion were pouring over me. "Who will save me?" was the question washing over me until I thought I would drown in sadness. At the alter call I wanted to run forward to our sweet pastor and sob "I need to be rescued! Who will rescue me now? I'm alone... I've been alone and the loneliness and hurt are going to destroy me!" But I didn't. He's just a man like me. He can't save me.
I know what some are thinking.. that only God can save me, but I'm learning something more... He wants me to learn to swim. He doesn't need my password. He has full access without it. He wants to teach me to stop giving the password out. Really Lord? I mean I was always strong.. it's not that I didn't know how to swim. But now He tells me I never really swam... I was only treading water. A person gets tired treading water. Furthermore, they never go anywhere. They just stay in that spot... waiting... fearing the occasional shark... never enjoying the water... anxiously awaiting the day their strength will give out.
So here I am God. You know me. You know who I thought I was, You know who I wanted to be... but far more important, you know who I will be. You want me to learn to swim, with You as the strength in my legs.
There are so many ways to numb myself. I want so much to head for the cold, frigid waters where I'll soon lose all feeling. But that's not why You made me. Why did you make me again? Oh yeah... I have to swim. I have to feel the pain of unrelenting movement if I'm going to find that out. I'm so scared.
That's my new focus, or what I'm hoping will become a focus. How do I become the sole bearer of my password? How do I find the strength to accept that who I was... was not what decided me anymore than who I am now decides who I will be? Am I able to decide who I will be? Is it OK? Whose permission am I looking for?
I was in church Sunday and waves of emotion were pouring over me. "Who will save me?" was the question washing over me until I thought I would drown in sadness. At the alter call I wanted to run forward to our sweet pastor and sob "I need to be rescued! Who will rescue me now? I'm alone... I've been alone and the loneliness and hurt are going to destroy me!" But I didn't. He's just a man like me. He can't save me.
I know what some are thinking.. that only God can save me, but I'm learning something more... He wants me to learn to swim. He doesn't need my password. He has full access without it. He wants to teach me to stop giving the password out. Really Lord? I mean I was always strong.. it's not that I didn't know how to swim. But now He tells me I never really swam... I was only treading water. A person gets tired treading water. Furthermore, they never go anywhere. They just stay in that spot... waiting... fearing the occasional shark... never enjoying the water... anxiously awaiting the day their strength will give out.
So here I am God. You know me. You know who I thought I was, You know who I wanted to be... but far more important, you know who I will be. You want me to learn to swim, with You as the strength in my legs.
There are so many ways to numb myself. I want so much to head for the cold, frigid waters where I'll soon lose all feeling. But that's not why You made me. Why did you make me again? Oh yeah... I have to swim. I have to feel the pain of unrelenting movement if I'm going to find that out. I'm so scared.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I wanna run to you!
Oh my goodness. It's been almost one year since the last post! This is a very hard blog to write. I really never dreamed these words would come out of me. After almost 25 years of marriage... Paul and I are getting a divorce. It is quite shocking to me too... even though the possibility was always floating around out there, I don't think I could have pictured my life without him.
Our marriage was in a sorry state for years. I didn't really know what was wrong, but it was wrong for sure. Paul knew he was losing me. At some point I just gave up. He spent a year and a half becoming a better person. He went to therapy, men's support groups... it was such an admirable effort. However a week before Thanksgiving we had a talk about personal things and I was simply unable to continue after that. I filed for divorce the next day.
We are not using lawyers, we are making sure the kids know we are always going to be friends and family. I've told them we simply will be living in two different houses. It has actually been harder on the older ones than the younger. Kala and Spence thought their parents marriage was forever... as did I. As a matter of fact, when we went thru hard times, I would picture us old together, rocking on a front porch, holding hands, talking about our kids. That dream is dead... at least as far as I know. My goal now is to find a job and a place for the little ones and I to live. I just want to live simply. I have never really been single. It seems a little scary to me.
Do you want to know the saddest part of all this for me? This year and a half... when I was so unhappy and wanted a divorce so badly, but never thought God would allow it... I kind of ran from Him. I drank, smoked... hid away on the internet. I went to church, but not for appearance sake... never for that. But because that's what church is for. It's for sick ppl who realize they can't do it on their own... that they need a Savior. The one time I told God in prayer that I wanted to divorce and have a place of my own... I finally felt peace. I was sure that couldn't be from God. How could God ever approve the divorce of two Christians? I shook it off... surely that was my own wishful thinking.
Then, after Paul and I talked that night, I realized I'd been running from God for nothing! Foolishness! I should have been running to Him. I didn't trust him to meet my needs, whatever they might be. Why do I doubt that His ways are best? ARGH! What I wouldn't do to go back and give him everyday of that year and a half.
So things are in motion. Paul and I are doing very well as friends. Supporting each other the best we can thru this time. Holding on to God and offering kindness to one another. We crave your prayers, we offer a shoulder to cry on, should you need one and I encourage you to remember where your help comes from.
Our marriage was in a sorry state for years. I didn't really know what was wrong, but it was wrong for sure. Paul knew he was losing me. At some point I just gave up. He spent a year and a half becoming a better person. He went to therapy, men's support groups... it was such an admirable effort. However a week before Thanksgiving we had a talk about personal things and I was simply unable to continue after that. I filed for divorce the next day.
We are not using lawyers, we are making sure the kids know we are always going to be friends and family. I've told them we simply will be living in two different houses. It has actually been harder on the older ones than the younger. Kala and Spence thought their parents marriage was forever... as did I. As a matter of fact, when we went thru hard times, I would picture us old together, rocking on a front porch, holding hands, talking about our kids. That dream is dead... at least as far as I know. My goal now is to find a job and a place for the little ones and I to live. I just want to live simply. I have never really been single. It seems a little scary to me.
Do you want to know the saddest part of all this for me? This year and a half... when I was so unhappy and wanted a divorce so badly, but never thought God would allow it... I kind of ran from Him. I drank, smoked... hid away on the internet. I went to church, but not for appearance sake... never for that. But because that's what church is for. It's for sick ppl who realize they can't do it on their own... that they need a Savior. The one time I told God in prayer that I wanted to divorce and have a place of my own... I finally felt peace. I was sure that couldn't be from God. How could God ever approve the divorce of two Christians? I shook it off... surely that was my own wishful thinking.
Then, after Paul and I talked that night, I realized I'd been running from God for nothing! Foolishness! I should have been running to Him. I didn't trust him to meet my needs, whatever they might be. Why do I doubt that His ways are best? ARGH! What I wouldn't do to go back and give him everyday of that year and a half.
So things are in motion. Paul and I are doing very well as friends. Supporting each other the best we can thru this time. Holding on to God and offering kindness to one another. We crave your prayers, we offer a shoulder to cry on, should you need one and I encourage you to remember where your help comes from.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Looking Up
Holy cow Imunna write a blog here... What has it been 6 months? That actually makes me want to cry cause I know how hard these last 6 months have been and what has kept me from writing. Paul and I have been through it... to say it has been overwhelming is to play it down.
It seems so poetically appropriate that it is Jan. 2nd and I would write my first blog now. It's a new year, new beginnings, a heart standing on the edge of the high dive, trying to decide if it has the guts to jump off... to trust again... to give itself away while asking for nothing in return.
I recently read that Woody Allen said of his former adopted daughter now wife (excuse me while I convulse then vomit) "The heart wants what it wants." That sounds deep right, but really he's just a nasty cuss. It's easier to manipulate words than it is the greatest fool on earth... hence the actual career of spinning politics. So I can write this blog today, sharing my heart, but not yet my circumstance. I'm actually writing a book... I've always wanted to... and maybe, at the least, it will help me gain clarity. Something I need now more that I ever have before.
If your marriage is faltering... hanging on by a thread, I only have one thing to say to you... if Paul and I can make it... anyone can. 2009 found us closer to divorce than we had ever even considered in our wildest dreams... Paul said he had always taken pride in our marriage... he took it for granted, he said... just assumed it was always gonna be there no matter what. Well no one is safe. He said if we make it to 25 years, we're having a 2nd wedding and going on a Mediterranean Cruise. I may stick if just for the cruise :)
So say a prayer, and if you're one of my many new atheist friends, wish us luck... cause it's gonna take something supernatural for us to overcome, but if it encourages you... things are looking up... literally and figuratively :)
It seems so poetically appropriate that it is Jan. 2nd and I would write my first blog now. It's a new year, new beginnings, a heart standing on the edge of the high dive, trying to decide if it has the guts to jump off... to trust again... to give itself away while asking for nothing in return.
I recently read that Woody Allen said of his former adopted daughter now wife (excuse me while I convulse then vomit) "The heart wants what it wants." That sounds deep right, but really he's just a nasty cuss. It's easier to manipulate words than it is the greatest fool on earth... hence the actual career of spinning politics. So I can write this blog today, sharing my heart, but not yet my circumstance. I'm actually writing a book... I've always wanted to... and maybe, at the least, it will help me gain clarity. Something I need now more that I ever have before.
If your marriage is faltering... hanging on by a thread, I only have one thing to say to you... if Paul and I can make it... anyone can. 2009 found us closer to divorce than we had ever even considered in our wildest dreams... Paul said he had always taken pride in our marriage... he took it for granted, he said... just assumed it was always gonna be there no matter what. Well no one is safe. He said if we make it to 25 years, we're having a 2nd wedding and going on a Mediterranean Cruise. I may stick if just for the cruise :)
So say a prayer, and if you're one of my many new atheist friends, wish us luck... cause it's gonna take something supernatural for us to overcome, but if it encourages you... things are looking up... literally and figuratively :)
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Except...
Wow, this is the longest I've ever gone without blogging since I began a few months ago. I guess I just feel like what else is there to say? I shared the angst that caused me to write in the first place, now what? LOL... I don't know... Surely this time there is nothing to share... hmmm, let's see.
My offerings are pretty weak right now... anything I have to lay on the alter seem so diminished... After those two years of being sick, I tried to join the choir again... oops, got extremely sick to my stomach first song in and had to go home... I think God's gonna keep working on me for a while before He allows me to minister again... seems fitting.
So which way is up in this journey? I love that even if my mind doesn't know, my heart does! I have been consumed by the love of God to the point that I know He is doing a work and that He would no more forsake me in my failings than He would refuse to forgive a humbled man his sins. Not that I wanna be humbled... ha! That's probably why Adam and Eve hid in the cave when they had sinned... God is skeery! But mostly when you're hiding, dreading what you think He might do. My youngest is strong willed like you've never seen a child... she will stand right up and say "NO!" to your face... but you take one step toward her and she humbles herself immediately. We like to picture God sitting on His throne. Why? Cause God walking is more than our minds can handle. When he is walking with us, we are in bliss. When He is walking towards us... kablam! We hit the deck, humbled and fearful... but the Bible says to fear the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. It's best to walk with Him, no?
So... where do we go from here, now that all of the children are growing up? (Wow, tell me I didn't just quote Styx!!!) I guess if you were wondering what's new here... not a lot of great stuff... except... and that's the good part. On my part, nothing really stellar is happening, but on God's end... stuff is in motion. I was fearfully and wonderfully made and there's not a one of us that wasn't. Stuff Is In Motion. So again, if you are in a similar boat... and the waters are rocky and dangerous... know that Someone loves you and is fighting on your behalf... Wow, you know what? That just changes everything.
My offerings are pretty weak right now... anything I have to lay on the alter seem so diminished... After those two years of being sick, I tried to join the choir again... oops, got extremely sick to my stomach first song in and had to go home... I think God's gonna keep working on me for a while before He allows me to minister again... seems fitting.
So which way is up in this journey? I love that even if my mind doesn't know, my heart does! I have been consumed by the love of God to the point that I know He is doing a work and that He would no more forsake me in my failings than He would refuse to forgive a humbled man his sins. Not that I wanna be humbled... ha! That's probably why Adam and Eve hid in the cave when they had sinned... God is skeery! But mostly when you're hiding, dreading what you think He might do. My youngest is strong willed like you've never seen a child... she will stand right up and say "NO!" to your face... but you take one step toward her and she humbles herself immediately. We like to picture God sitting on His throne. Why? Cause God walking is more than our minds can handle. When he is walking with us, we are in bliss. When He is walking towards us... kablam! We hit the deck, humbled and fearful... but the Bible says to fear the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. It's best to walk with Him, no?
So... where do we go from here, now that all of the children are growing up? (Wow, tell me I didn't just quote Styx!!!) I guess if you were wondering what's new here... not a lot of great stuff... except... and that's the good part. On my part, nothing really stellar is happening, but on God's end... stuff is in motion. I was fearfully and wonderfully made and there's not a one of us that wasn't. Stuff Is In Motion. So again, if you are in a similar boat... and the waters are rocky and dangerous... know that Someone loves you and is fighting on your behalf... Wow, you know what? That just changes everything.
Friday, June 26, 2009
My worst enemy.
Life sucks, end post.
LOL, oh dear now I've gone and cracked myself up. (Not really.) I've been sharing since I first started this blog that I have had a deep and painful problem... of course, being human, I have many... but the one that's giving me the most trouble is my marriage. You might wonder why on earth anyone would want to share such personal information in a public forum. I am such a firm believer though that if we would only open up and share our problems, we would not only see that others are hurting too, but we would find the help we need.
Paul and I have been married greater than half my life. I love no one on earth more than him... but that doesn't mean things can't crumble! Not only does life, family, kids, work, relational... and weather issues tear it down... Satan is there daily with a chisel and a hammer chipping away at it! Paul and I are so weary. He has more on him than I do on me and yet his burden to save this thing is greater... he is the hero that must rise up to save us... nice to be a girl right now, though I will do my part. I believe most marriages go through this at some point. It's the point in the marathon where you hit the wall... only this is worse, cause the wall hits back. It's emotional. Your heart, mind, body and soul are tied up in it. People don't tell their kids when this happens but guess what... when their kids struggle in their marriages they think there's something wrong with them. "Mom and Dad were so solid, even with all their faults..." Guess what kids... mankind is the same from age to age. There's nothing new under the sun.
If I could begin to tell you the problems wrapped up in a troubled marriage (assuming you don't know) you would flip. How do we survive this crap??? Something so cool happened for us. It was a total God thing. A few months back, when I still knew who I was... I saw an old friend on FB. I was worried that he and his wife might have walked away from the Lord so I inquired... We never knew each other well so it was interesting, but I am always kinda bold and luckily he wasn't offended so we had some good talks about it and that was that. Then a few months later he makes a smart remark on my wall and I call him on it. Over the day, my entire dissolving life is poured out to him... he totally relates and gives Paul and I both advice that is totally pointing us in the right direction... Do you see how incredibly important it is to be open with someone... anyone? God will bring the right person... but you gotta get it out there!!! You might tell 5 wrong people before you get to the right one, but who cares? Could things get any worse than they are now? That's what holds you back from healing... pride and fear!
So can't give you much info right now on the marriage thing other than to say that God is greater than your problems... no matter what they are. I again wonder what you have to hold onto... or to look forward to if you don't have a Savior. He saves us from so many things... but best of all... He saves us from ourselves!
LOL, oh dear now I've gone and cracked myself up. (Not really.) I've been sharing since I first started this blog that I have had a deep and painful problem... of course, being human, I have many... but the one that's giving me the most trouble is my marriage. You might wonder why on earth anyone would want to share such personal information in a public forum. I am such a firm believer though that if we would only open up and share our problems, we would not only see that others are hurting too, but we would find the help we need.
Paul and I have been married greater than half my life. I love no one on earth more than him... but that doesn't mean things can't crumble! Not only does life, family, kids, work, relational... and weather issues tear it down... Satan is there daily with a chisel and a hammer chipping away at it! Paul and I are so weary. He has more on him than I do on me and yet his burden to save this thing is greater... he is the hero that must rise up to save us... nice to be a girl right now, though I will do my part. I believe most marriages go through this at some point. It's the point in the marathon where you hit the wall... only this is worse, cause the wall hits back. It's emotional. Your heart, mind, body and soul are tied up in it. People don't tell their kids when this happens but guess what... when their kids struggle in their marriages they think there's something wrong with them. "Mom and Dad were so solid, even with all their faults..." Guess what kids... mankind is the same from age to age. There's nothing new under the sun.
If I could begin to tell you the problems wrapped up in a troubled marriage (assuming you don't know) you would flip. How do we survive this crap??? Something so cool happened for us. It was a total God thing. A few months back, when I still knew who I was... I saw an old friend on FB. I was worried that he and his wife might have walked away from the Lord so I inquired... We never knew each other well so it was interesting, but I am always kinda bold and luckily he wasn't offended so we had some good talks about it and that was that. Then a few months later he makes a smart remark on my wall and I call him on it. Over the day, my entire dissolving life is poured out to him... he totally relates and gives Paul and I both advice that is totally pointing us in the right direction... Do you see how incredibly important it is to be open with someone... anyone? God will bring the right person... but you gotta get it out there!!! You might tell 5 wrong people before you get to the right one, but who cares? Could things get any worse than they are now? That's what holds you back from healing... pride and fear!
So can't give you much info right now on the marriage thing other than to say that God is greater than your problems... no matter what they are. I again wonder what you have to hold onto... or to look forward to if you don't have a Savior. He saves us from so many things... but best of all... He saves us from ourselves!
Friday, June 19, 2009
There's no swimming in a wash.
Man... I first started writing this stupid blog like 3 months ago... over 50 blogs logged. I didn't even know if I was gonna write a second one. The funny thing is, I am writing this blog at a really icky time in my life. I mean I started exactly when things started going down hill... either God thought somebody could identify... or He wanted me to work some stuff out... (both, I know). So here I am, and if you're still there, here we are. Just the two of us... making our way through.
In AZ. where I spent the majority of my life so far... we have these things called "washes" (giant gully's.) Maybe they have em all over, what do I know? But there are mountains surrounding Tucson, Mt. Lemon being the closest and when the snow melts or a big storm hits, the water comes rushing down the mountain into these washes. Now, we are all told as kids not to play in these things, which means, we all played in those things. People rode their ATV's in there cause it was a perfect, private roadway. But a flash flood could hit at any time of the year and there was no warning whatsoever! I mean, it was dry as a dead stump, then it was engorged with water that had just made its way down from the mountain top... people die every year in these floods.
I am wondering which valley is more difficult. There is the valley in life where we are struck unaware by a flash flood, then there are the valleys where we just wade through the garbage... (oh!!!) trudging along. As we look around, we can see a lot of the debris is our own. On one had, the flash flood is swift! It comes, we find a strong root, hang on for dear life, we overcome and we are stronger for it. No fault of our own, unless we were hanging out like a fool in the wash. But the dump... now that's a different story. It takes endurance, it takes support, it takes a certain amount of faithfulness... mmm... it takes hope that Someone is watching over us and is gonna make something useful out of all our crap.
I love that when God began this whole thing... He began with a garden. It makes so much sense... (obviously, right?) Everything in life can be compared to the Master Gardener and His creation. He made us out of dirt!!! Truly worthless in every way... until the seed is planted in our hearts... there is the seed of death in every man... but when we allow that ground to be tilled and softened, a new seed is planted. Which seed will thrive and which will die away? We are dung and that's ok. We should be ok with our dungness... in the enemy's hand, we sit... we steam in the sun, we are swarmed by the flies of life until we decompose and come to not in the ground... one spot, never moved... then gone. But in the Gardener's hand we become a useful tool... we have value and worth... we are still dirt and manure, but now with that seed of life, something beautiful will come out of our lack. I want to be out of the valley soon... back on a mountain top... loving life... if I could just stop making myself untouchable... my Gardener would use this pile of _____ (fill in the blank) to make something extraordinary. He will reach us... it's not like He can't... He just gives us our space. I think if we hang out in the valley of darkness too long, He will bring that flash flood to float us to the top of the wash... and onto something new. Man, it is so time to get out of the wash.
In AZ. where I spent the majority of my life so far... we have these things called "washes" (giant gully's.) Maybe they have em all over, what do I know? But there are mountains surrounding Tucson, Mt. Lemon being the closest and when the snow melts or a big storm hits, the water comes rushing down the mountain into these washes. Now, we are all told as kids not to play in these things, which means, we all played in those things. People rode their ATV's in there cause it was a perfect, private roadway. But a flash flood could hit at any time of the year and there was no warning whatsoever! I mean, it was dry as a dead stump, then it was engorged with water that had just made its way down from the mountain top... people die every year in these floods.
I am wondering which valley is more difficult. There is the valley in life where we are struck unaware by a flash flood, then there are the valleys where we just wade through the garbage... (oh!!!) trudging along. As we look around, we can see a lot of the debris is our own. On one had, the flash flood is swift! It comes, we find a strong root, hang on for dear life, we overcome and we are stronger for it. No fault of our own, unless we were hanging out like a fool in the wash. But the dump... now that's a different story. It takes endurance, it takes support, it takes a certain amount of faithfulness... mmm... it takes hope that Someone is watching over us and is gonna make something useful out of all our crap.
I love that when God began this whole thing... He began with a garden. It makes so much sense... (obviously, right?) Everything in life can be compared to the Master Gardener and His creation. He made us out of dirt!!! Truly worthless in every way... until the seed is planted in our hearts... there is the seed of death in every man... but when we allow that ground to be tilled and softened, a new seed is planted. Which seed will thrive and which will die away? We are dung and that's ok. We should be ok with our dungness... in the enemy's hand, we sit... we steam in the sun, we are swarmed by the flies of life until we decompose and come to not in the ground... one spot, never moved... then gone. But in the Gardener's hand we become a useful tool... we have value and worth... we are still dirt and manure, but now with that seed of life, something beautiful will come out of our lack. I want to be out of the valley soon... back on a mountain top... loving life... if I could just stop making myself untouchable... my Gardener would use this pile of _____ (fill in the blank) to make something extraordinary. He will reach us... it's not like He can't... He just gives us our space. I think if we hang out in the valley of darkness too long, He will bring that flash flood to float us to the top of the wash... and onto something new. Man, it is so time to get out of the wash.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Bucket List
1) Make an album of my songs.
2) Sing those songs to a large crowd (scared of small ones.)
3) Run a marathon.
4) Put all kids thru college, own home, and be debt free.
5) Travel: Alaskan cruise, Mediterranian cruise, Greece, Ireland, Paris, Israel and beyond.
6) Spend 3 months on a private beach.
7) Be in best health possible.
8) Surf and snorkel, sail on our own boat... without being scared of sharks.
9) Publish a good book.
10) Succeed at the things God intends for me to succeed at.
Here are 10... they are the just the fun ones mainly... and they're not in order :)
2) Sing those songs to a large crowd (scared of small ones.)
3) Run a marathon.
4) Put all kids thru college, own home, and be debt free.
5) Travel: Alaskan cruise, Mediterranian cruise, Greece, Ireland, Paris, Israel and beyond.
6) Spend 3 months on a private beach.
7) Be in best health possible.
8) Surf and snorkel, sail on our own boat... without being scared of sharks.
9) Publish a good book.
10) Succeed at the things God intends for me to succeed at.
Here are 10... they are the just the fun ones mainly... and they're not in order :)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Soul-mates.
So... what a weird weak... uh... week. Banished from commenting on facebook, then the computer breaks and forced to fall back into real life again (btw, yuck... I SO hate folding socks!!!) Just forced to do a lot of things I didn't want to do. About a dozen "hee-lar-i-us" people all said it was God's will for me to be forced into retirement. Sad thing is... I KNOW THAT, THANK YOU!!! (Like you're all so perfect ;)
So here I am at the public library for the 2nd time today...waiting for the fire, flood, tornado or whatever is gonna hit to make me have to go back home again. So here's the facts... besides a few side jobs here and there, I've spent way too much time at home over a 23 year span. It wasn't in vain, mind you. I raised two awesome kids, I'm incredibly proud of and I don't think I would have done it differently. I think the thing is... I feel through... like I should be done and I have two to go. I adore these little ones though... I mean... I love them so much I want to breath them in :) But I lost myself along the way. I don't tell you this cause I want you to feel like I'm all pathetic (which I am.) I say it cause it is SO common and if it could happen to me, it could happen to you.
I want... I need change. I love that I am changing shape literally and figuratively, but what does that mean for my brain and my heart? It is a slow process at times and my emotions can barely keep up. I do know one thing... that isolation which I crave outside of facebook... the one I keep saying is a bad thing... is a bad thing! Ha! I mean... there is nothing to be gained from it. So if I can encourage you in anything at all, it would be to reach out... even to unlikely sources.
I reached out to a very unlikely source and it has turned out to be a blessing to Paul and I both. I think one of the things that has to go first before you can reach out... is pride. If I had been a prideful person, I would continue on in isolation headed for a cliff, but you would be surprised how un-unique you are :) Not to sound unkind... in God's eyes there is no one like you... never has been, never will be. But situationally, you are not special and that is a good thing as Martha Stewart would say. So find a soul to reach out to today. Trust that the Lord will bring it around full circle till you're headed down a right path, but find a person who's been on your path and has found their way back out again. It's a bit foggy where I am right now... but I have a few hands to hold. I hope you do too.
So here I am at the public library for the 2nd time today...waiting for the fire, flood, tornado or whatever is gonna hit to make me have to go back home again. So here's the facts... besides a few side jobs here and there, I've spent way too much time at home over a 23 year span. It wasn't in vain, mind you. I raised two awesome kids, I'm incredibly proud of and I don't think I would have done it differently. I think the thing is... I feel through... like I should be done and I have two to go. I adore these little ones though... I mean... I love them so much I want to breath them in :) But I lost myself along the way. I don't tell you this cause I want you to feel like I'm all pathetic (which I am.) I say it cause it is SO common and if it could happen to me, it could happen to you.
I want... I need change. I love that I am changing shape literally and figuratively, but what does that mean for my brain and my heart? It is a slow process at times and my emotions can barely keep up. I do know one thing... that isolation which I crave outside of facebook... the one I keep saying is a bad thing... is a bad thing! Ha! I mean... there is nothing to be gained from it. So if I can encourage you in anything at all, it would be to reach out... even to unlikely sources.
I reached out to a very unlikely source and it has turned out to be a blessing to Paul and I both. I think one of the things that has to go first before you can reach out... is pride. If I had been a prideful person, I would continue on in isolation headed for a cliff, but you would be surprised how un-unique you are :) Not to sound unkind... in God's eyes there is no one like you... never has been, never will be. But situationally, you are not special and that is a good thing as Martha Stewart would say. So find a soul to reach out to today. Trust that the Lord will bring it around full circle till you're headed down a right path, but find a person who's been on your path and has found their way back out again. It's a bit foggy where I am right now... but I have a few hands to hold. I hope you do too.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Fiona awaits...
My friend was telling me yesterday that I focus too much on my weaknesses in my blog. Hmmm... I'on know, but I have a lot of them, and I am going to list them below.... hahaha. When I got so sick a few years back, I spent a lot of time researching illnesses. When you go to the doctor, sometimes it's good to have some "legwork" done for them or it can take twice as long. I noticed something in all the diseases... there is pretty much a set amount of symptoms that goes with every sickness. Yeah, there's a few weird ones like purple rashes and stuff, but for the most part they just all go in different orders depending on the disease.
How many times can I say, I think we are all the same? We have the same sins... no extra ones made for any one person. Yes, you have your "purple rashes" like Jeffery Dahmer and ick like him.. but for the most part, we have the same failings... What makes us unique is our successes. Look at Michael Phelps... when someone has great success... we put them on a pedestal. For the most part, we human beings like to see people rise above the mire. Funny thing is a few months after his incredible high... turns out he still wanted a high. The dude smokes a marijuana bong at a party and quickly falls off his pedestal. We don't want people who we have set up high, to be on the same level as the rest of us. It's as if we are searching for something super human... hmmm.
You've heard it said, most likely, that there is a God shaped hole in our hearts, waiting to be filled. I have tried to fill it with alcohol, smoking, lust, greed, food, temporary joys, sin.... oh my word, the list should not get too specific... The reason I am sort of comfortable telling you that is that I know you have too. (Maybe not my Grandma... but the rest of you for sure!) I need the Creator of my soul and I need Him the way a princess locked in a castle needs a rescuer. I need Him the way a prisoner needs a reprieve. I need Him the way a virgin needs a lover. I need a hero (song ensues.) A knight on a white steed coming back for his fallen brethren.
We all lay in the mud, beat up by the enemy... beat down by storms, tired, weary, broken. I know you are like me cause I see you laying next to me wounded. Some days I can help you, and some days I fail to... same goes for you. Either way, here we are... waiting for our Savior... come Jesus... come for your bride, clean her off, bind her wounds, dress her in finery, and carry her away. You make her so beautiful and how we thank you for that hope! Fill that hole in our hearts... hear us calling.
How many times can I say, I think we are all the same? We have the same sins... no extra ones made for any one person. Yes, you have your "purple rashes" like Jeffery Dahmer and ick like him.. but for the most part, we have the same failings... What makes us unique is our successes. Look at Michael Phelps... when someone has great success... we put them on a pedestal. For the most part, we human beings like to see people rise above the mire. Funny thing is a few months after his incredible high... turns out he still wanted a high. The dude smokes a marijuana bong at a party and quickly falls off his pedestal. We don't want people who we have set up high, to be on the same level as the rest of us. It's as if we are searching for something super human... hmmm.
You've heard it said, most likely, that there is a God shaped hole in our hearts, waiting to be filled. I have tried to fill it with alcohol, smoking, lust, greed, food, temporary joys, sin.... oh my word, the list should not get too specific... The reason I am sort of comfortable telling you that is that I know you have too. (Maybe not my Grandma... but the rest of you for sure!) I need the Creator of my soul and I need Him the way a princess locked in a castle needs a rescuer. I need Him the way a prisoner needs a reprieve. I need Him the way a virgin needs a lover. I need a hero (song ensues.) A knight on a white steed coming back for his fallen brethren.
We all lay in the mud, beat up by the enemy... beat down by storms, tired, weary, broken. I know you are like me cause I see you laying next to me wounded. Some days I can help you, and some days I fail to... same goes for you. Either way, here we are... waiting for our Savior... come Jesus... come for your bride, clean her off, bind her wounds, dress her in finery, and carry her away. You make her so beautiful and how we thank you for that hope! Fill that hole in our hearts... hear us calling.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
A little R&R talk.
I've had something I've been thinking about lately which is the difference between relationship and ritual. It's something that those of us in the church have heard about 1,ooo times and I doubt I have anything new to offer, but here goes.
Some churches offer something people have grown to expect... they may not enjoy it... doing the same thing over and over again... but it sort of comforts them. Our black lab enjoys tearing around the back yard free and untethered. Yet every morning when I go out to feed her and say good morning, she stands there and allows me... no, wants me to attach that zip line leash to her collar. Then she runs off happy, to spend her day getting tangled and ensnared in anything she possibly can. People are like that. They want to recite things that they have heard their parents recite... they want to kneel, (or jump, depending on the church) at all the appropriate times. It's a comfort. Then after they feel they have been appropriately attached to something, they run off to spend their days getting entangled.
I have a friend who believes church is a good habit... which makes a lot of sense. I mean, if you are going to do something repetitively, why not something as positive as an event focused on God, right? You get dressed up, you try to make it on time, you get the kids settled into their class, you visit with like minded people (for the most part), you then talk about and sing about Who? The Creator of your soul. How could this be anything but good? But it's not that it's not good... it's is it enough?! When is enough, enough with God?
When I was a kid, I was always cutting up and my family would say the same thing to me, over and over. "Beth, you never know when enough is enough." (Can someone say therapy!) :) The thing that always struck me was that they did. How did they know? Cause they were making the rules. They decided when enough was enough and they let me know when I reached that point... that's how I knew. It's like that in church... a lot of us let our parents or our mentors, pastors, peers... tell us when enough is enough with God. "Go this far, but go no further." "Know Him this much, but no more." "Love Him this deeply, but don't go overboard." When does sitting, rising, reciting and just showing up... become enough for us when it comes to knowing the almighty GOD?!
I owe Him so much. If He never did anything for me, after He died for my sins... would He be less to me? I can be so ungrateful at times. We have a friend who believed if God loved him, he would have wealth. He couldn't stick with a job for more than a year, but he expected wealth all the same. He was so affected by this belief that he eventually left his wife and kids and took off to chase dreams. He never realized his wealth lied in his hands all along... he threw it away. His relationship with God consisted of putting in the time at church that he felt was his part in his "relationship" with God and waiting for his ever elusive idea of success. As he sipped from the toilet tank, he never realized there was a river of running water to drink deeply from. I do that too. I settle for the least at times when God would give me the strength I needed to be victorious in every area of my life. We so often throw away the meat and gnaw on the bone.
May I encourage you not to go to church alone... but this Sunday as you make your way to where ever it is you go, go to God instead. Ask Him, "Who are You, and Who are You to me? Who am I to You? What do You have for me and how can I lay hold of this? Somewhere within those questions, lie the relationship over the ritual. Those who seek will find, those who repeat actions, will always end up with the same results. You always hear that Albert Einstein only used 7% of his brain... what a smidgen and look at all he accomplished! Don't be afraid to try something new with God... to go deeper... chances are you haven't come close to tapping into the wealth that lies within!
Some churches offer something people have grown to expect... they may not enjoy it... doing the same thing over and over again... but it sort of comforts them. Our black lab enjoys tearing around the back yard free and untethered. Yet every morning when I go out to feed her and say good morning, she stands there and allows me... no, wants me to attach that zip line leash to her collar. Then she runs off happy, to spend her day getting tangled and ensnared in anything she possibly can. People are like that. They want to recite things that they have heard their parents recite... they want to kneel, (or jump, depending on the church) at all the appropriate times. It's a comfort. Then after they feel they have been appropriately attached to something, they run off to spend their days getting entangled.
I have a friend who believes church is a good habit... which makes a lot of sense. I mean, if you are going to do something repetitively, why not something as positive as an event focused on God, right? You get dressed up, you try to make it on time, you get the kids settled into their class, you visit with like minded people (for the most part), you then talk about and sing about Who? The Creator of your soul. How could this be anything but good? But it's not that it's not good... it's is it enough?! When is enough, enough with God?
When I was a kid, I was always cutting up and my family would say the same thing to me, over and over. "Beth, you never know when enough is enough." (Can someone say therapy!) :) The thing that always struck me was that they did. How did they know? Cause they were making the rules. They decided when enough was enough and they let me know when I reached that point... that's how I knew. It's like that in church... a lot of us let our parents or our mentors, pastors, peers... tell us when enough is enough with God. "Go this far, but go no further." "Know Him this much, but no more." "Love Him this deeply, but don't go overboard." When does sitting, rising, reciting and just showing up... become enough for us when it comes to knowing the almighty GOD?!
I owe Him so much. If He never did anything for me, after He died for my sins... would He be less to me? I can be so ungrateful at times. We have a friend who believed if God loved him, he would have wealth. He couldn't stick with a job for more than a year, but he expected wealth all the same. He was so affected by this belief that he eventually left his wife and kids and took off to chase dreams. He never realized his wealth lied in his hands all along... he threw it away. His relationship with God consisted of putting in the time at church that he felt was his part in his "relationship" with God and waiting for his ever elusive idea of success. As he sipped from the toilet tank, he never realized there was a river of running water to drink deeply from. I do that too. I settle for the least at times when God would give me the strength I needed to be victorious in every area of my life. We so often throw away the meat and gnaw on the bone.
May I encourage you not to go to church alone... but this Sunday as you make your way to where ever it is you go, go to God instead. Ask Him, "Who are You, and Who are You to me? Who am I to You? What do You have for me and how can I lay hold of this? Somewhere within those questions, lie the relationship over the ritual. Those who seek will find, those who repeat actions, will always end up with the same results. You always hear that Albert Einstein only used 7% of his brain... what a smidgen and look at all he accomplished! Don't be afraid to try something new with God... to go deeper... chances are you haven't come close to tapping into the wealth that lies within!
Friday, June 5, 2009
A day of peace, joy and love.
So yesterday I decided I had to get out of the house... I have been cooped up here too long, but my 18 y/o (who is the babysitter in this story) had plans for the day and it looked like there was no hope for my escape. All of the sudden I realized (boing!) that I didn't have to go anywhere... in the car anyway. I was like... "I am leaving this house if I have to go through a window, but I am out of here!" So my sweet child # 2 told me to go for it and I went on a walk. Now of course I can go on a walk anytime, but during the middle of the day when everyone has events going on... it just hadn't occurred to me. I think of it as more of an evening thing and there's always the stinkers in tow making it impossible to do anything briskly. But out I went alone and it just happened to be my favorite weather in the whole world!
I love wind!!! Wind is one of God's most awesome creations! I could stand in it for hours... and if it's a little cold and the suns not burning my eyes... Heaven on earth and that was yesterday... so I started walking... briskly. Freedom! (William Wallace impression.) I was just me... with my own thoughts in my own special place... awesome. I was practically dancing by the time I got home. I shared earlier that when I was in high school joy was driving in the Tuscon foothills with my windows down and the radio on... singing and feeling that wind on my face. Loved it! But when we get older, we start wanting all things opposite from out youth. We want out of that car... we want out of the crowds... we want our naps back!!! I am coming out of a cocoon that I have been in for a few years now and I feel alive again.
Nothing is new under the sun. We all go through the appropriate highs and lows as we live each decade. We are young and want to be grown, we are teens and we want to be free, we are in our 20's and we want to be tethered, in our 30's we want to get it right, 40's we want to make it through... and you will have to fill in the blanks for me from there... but we are never new under the sun. Never. There is no trial you are experiencing that hasn't been lived through by a million others (no matter what fashion that is.) There is no circumstance that hasn't been foreseen. That really gets to me... God knew I was going to be going through this ... now?! Crazy. I think something snapped in me a few months ago. There was a lot of pressure and problems keeping me from staying afloat and it just seems like I snapped... ha! Kinda funny... but I don't feel like the same person I was... and God knew that!!! Fortunately, HE stays the same.
The answers to all the questions are in His hand and he wont forsake me... or you. No matter what changes life may bring... He foreknew and a He will never forsake. If I can wrap my mind around those two things... I just might make it through. He foreknew and He will never forsake. Every success and every failure I might have, He saw the day He created me and the day He died on the cross for my sins... and He still chose to do both. We are not mistakes... we are loved... we must grasp this to live life fully. Life is good... walk briskly!
I love wind!!! Wind is one of God's most awesome creations! I could stand in it for hours... and if it's a little cold and the suns not burning my eyes... Heaven on earth and that was yesterday... so I started walking... briskly. Freedom! (William Wallace impression.) I was just me... with my own thoughts in my own special place... awesome. I was practically dancing by the time I got home. I shared earlier that when I was in high school joy was driving in the Tuscon foothills with my windows down and the radio on... singing and feeling that wind on my face. Loved it! But when we get older, we start wanting all things opposite from out youth. We want out of that car... we want out of the crowds... we want our naps back!!! I am coming out of a cocoon that I have been in for a few years now and I feel alive again.
Nothing is new under the sun. We all go through the appropriate highs and lows as we live each decade. We are young and want to be grown, we are teens and we want to be free, we are in our 20's and we want to be tethered, in our 30's we want to get it right, 40's we want to make it through... and you will have to fill in the blanks for me from there... but we are never new under the sun. Never. There is no trial you are experiencing that hasn't been lived through by a million others (no matter what fashion that is.) There is no circumstance that hasn't been foreseen. That really gets to me... God knew I was going to be going through this ... now?! Crazy. I think something snapped in me a few months ago. There was a lot of pressure and problems keeping me from staying afloat and it just seems like I snapped... ha! Kinda funny... but I don't feel like the same person I was... and God knew that!!! Fortunately, HE stays the same.
The answers to all the questions are in His hand and he wont forsake me... or you. No matter what changes life may bring... He foreknew and a He will never forsake. If I can wrap my mind around those two things... I just might make it through. He foreknew and He will never forsake. Every success and every failure I might have, He saw the day He created me and the day He died on the cross for my sins... and He still chose to do both. We are not mistakes... we are loved... we must grasp this to live life fully. Life is good... walk briskly!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Wrong lever!
I've told you how much I loved the music artist Rich Mullins. I was watching one of his concerts on Youtube ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQnFU5JvuWY&feature=PlayList&p=2B587BF6D654F4C5&index=5&playnext=2&playnext_from=PL ) and he said something that struck me. If you remember God spoke once through someones donkey... can you imagine? Maybe that's where they got the idea for Mr. Ed. So Rich referenced this O.T. story and said that God had been speaking through asses for years. He said if you find yourself being a mouthpiece for God, that you shouldn't feel too lofty. That's how I feel when I write this blog... if there is any truth in it... anything positive to glean... it is not from me... I am an ass. :)
Have you noticed that we always think life is situational. If we are struggling financially it is because... if our relationships suffer it is because... if our health falls to pieces it must be... We (I) often forget the big picture... that life isn't supposed to be situational. God doesn't allow things (good or bad) to come our way on accident. When satan hurls his worst at us and God throws that lever that shifts the track, and that cart comes barreling toward us on our track... it's no accident. When I succeed I tend to think it is because of my character and when I fail, it is due to the situation. I.E. if such and such hadn't happened (or had) I would have had success.
There is a verse in the Bible that talks about not being surprised when situations come flying at you like a brick in the head (my own translation.) There are always going to be trials and tests. I have felt lately like if such and such were different, I would be successful. But that just means I failed before the test made its way to me. My mindset is off. I am to remain the same person, with the same character that I was when I was thriving. That is where the success lies... in the mindset which results in the action/reaction. It always goes back to Bible, prayer, and fellowship. You must be in fellowship and I don't mean sitting in a pew, shaking a few hands and going home. There must be accountability, encouragement... the Bible calls this iron sharpening iron. In that respect I am a dull sword... if you combine those I am a dullard :)
I hope that you are in a church that inspires and spurs you on to good works. I hope that you have relationships that cause you to be your most successful. I hope that you are full of encouragement for others. This truly is a battle... can you imagine facing an army alone? Not even possible. You must have all the weapons and tools your Commander has offered you. If you have fallen... stand up. If you need a hand, pray for one and it will most likely come... but grab it when it gets there or you will remain fallen. What is your mindset now? Where is your mindset now? Shield up, head down, lock arms... here we go.
Have you noticed that we always think life is situational. If we are struggling financially it is because... if our relationships suffer it is because... if our health falls to pieces it must be... We (I) often forget the big picture... that life isn't supposed to be situational. God doesn't allow things (good or bad) to come our way on accident. When satan hurls his worst at us and God throws that lever that shifts the track, and that cart comes barreling toward us on our track... it's no accident. When I succeed I tend to think it is because of my character and when I fail, it is due to the situation. I.E. if such and such hadn't happened (or had) I would have had success.
There is a verse in the Bible that talks about not being surprised when situations come flying at you like a brick in the head (my own translation.) There are always going to be trials and tests. I have felt lately like if such and such were different, I would be successful. But that just means I failed before the test made its way to me. My mindset is off. I am to remain the same person, with the same character that I was when I was thriving. That is where the success lies... in the mindset which results in the action/reaction. It always goes back to Bible, prayer, and fellowship. You must be in fellowship and I don't mean sitting in a pew, shaking a few hands and going home. There must be accountability, encouragement... the Bible calls this iron sharpening iron. In that respect I am a dull sword... if you combine those I am a dullard :)
I hope that you are in a church that inspires and spurs you on to good works. I hope that you have relationships that cause you to be your most successful. I hope that you are full of encouragement for others. This truly is a battle... can you imagine facing an army alone? Not even possible. You must have all the weapons and tools your Commander has offered you. If you have fallen... stand up. If you need a hand, pray for one and it will most likely come... but grab it when it gets there or you will remain fallen. What is your mindset now? Where is your mindset now? Shield up, head down, lock arms... here we go.
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