Blah, blah, blog.

Held

2012-01-23T08:52:00.004-06:00

Once again... huge gap since last post.

I've been thinking lately how strong the human desire is to be loved.

It comes in many forms and we crave it from the time we're infants.

Look at the newborn. Love comes in terms of nurturing. We want food, warmth, to be clean, we want... no we demand to be held. I so get that. Maybe we're all just babies at heart.

There comes a time when we realize it's our turn to give back. Someone has to or civilization would disintegrate. We can't look at ourselves anymore, we have to look after the needs of others. We begin to understand the sacrifices our parents made for us. We become more compassionate, more selfless than we ever thought possible. We grow up.

Both of these places are so good: The place of needing, of learning, of being a student. To the place of giving, teaching, leading by example. The circle of life stuff.

But what happens when something breaks that pattern? When the teacher can't find their way? When the lover needs to be loved? There's no relief for that strain... it has to break. That person must be broken to be mended again. What a harsh truth. And the fact is... there are so many of us you can't even begin to count the wounded. A devastation even war can't parallel.

So who will fix this "brokeness"? Some actually look to their children to fill those needs, but kids aren't equipped to mend the holes in our hearts. Some look to their jobs, but a job can't wrap its arms around us at night. Some give up and medicate, but even groggy we can see we're still alone.

I am broken. I am tired. I am hurting. I feel hopeless.

If you look at my last sentence you'll see I said "I am" every time except once. When it comes to hope... I only feel there is none. I am blessed to have been close to my God for many years. Even when I feel all is lost... I know there is hope. I can't see it, I can't touch it, I can't even dream it now... but I know it's there. I have forgotten my address many times as well as my phone number. I've actually forgotten my own last name... but I cannot forget my God. So many do not believe and I can understand. If you lived in a desert, could you hope for an ocean? If you lived in the city, could you dream of open fields? We are tactile people. But once you've experienced the reality of God... once you've seen that everything you've studied works perfectly together with time and space, the past and the future... once the stories of the Bible mirror the stories of your life... your doubts slip away.

It's been a terribly long journey for me these past 5 years. I do feel hopeless and in the deepest need of love. But what I know is... I am loved by the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob. I am treasured by the creator of the sun and moon. I am wanted by the forgiver of Rahab, David, and the woman at the well. I am desired by the maker of all things. I will be held again.

Throw me a rope.

2011-07-12T11:01:00.006-05:00

First of all, I have to apologize. I usually have a pretty zippy, up, fun personality. But when I blog it's usually for one reason alone. Life's gotten too heavy and I have to write something down to get it out of my head and off my heart. So if you ever read my blog, please keep in mind that I'm not a manic depressive. lol

Having said that, I plunge head first into the dark pools I've been swimming in. I've lost faith in love. I've lost faith in men. Is there any man left on the earth a woman can trust? If you say yes, I wont believe you. If you say he's been good and decent and kind, I'll smile and nod, but inside I'll think it's a matter of time before he breaks your heart. I don't want to feel this way. I used to think of myself as an optimist. I don't want to change that, but I guess this changes that.

Why do so many hearts have to be broken every day? I have a few friends who are on the edge right now. They're losing it. I don't mean they're throwing things or drinking a little more than they should. I mean, they're LOSING IT! Life is winning, they are losing. Did we have too much? We... Americans? We're we so blessed that we don't know how to take a punch? Where do you go to give up? Where do you turn in your time card? Or the better question... how do you keep going when life just beat the crap out of you and your flattened on the ground? Sometimes surviving isn't enough anymore. Remember when we had dreams? Were those born from our imaginations or did God give them to us? And if they are from Him, isn't there still hope? This world needs hope!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know with everything Paul and I have been through the one thing that has made him thrive and kept me afloat is support. Not just groups like AA or what have you... but the friendships made through groups of this nature. I found a group of women in my town that have all been through similar things as me. That group was a lifeline. The class is over, but I still see them at times. I need a new group like this or I'll isolate again. There in lies the greatest danger. When you're alone in the bottom of a hole, no one can hear your cries for help... God will send a ladder, but you must climb out.

So here I am. I'm in the bottom of a hole marked "lost faith in love." I'm looking for a ladder. Let me know if you see one.

He loves me.

2011-05-20T11:31:00.014-05:00

Man, I probably shouldn't write a blog right now. Truth is, I'm mad. I don't get mad too often, cause I tend to block all my feelings and just stay positive on the outside, while kinda hammering myself on the inside. These are things I'm learning about myself. I tried to numb that inner pain with alcohol, but God. I'm 23 days sober. Thank you God. I'm still numbing up in other ways, but I know He will continue His process in me. I'm so blessed to know Him. I still don't know why anyone is interested in my blog. Maybe it's like watching a train wreck... I don't know.

Our friends and even family are so confused about our divorce. Paul and I still live together... I filed back in November, but I can't finalize the divorce until I get a job... which I have not been able to. If there were a job cleaning horse stalls for no pay, weekend/overnight position... I could not get that job. It sucks. I feel stuck. But Paul and I do have a good working relationship and I think that is a blessing for the kids. We plan to continue this loving, kind, relationship even after the divorce, because it makes sense to us. We will forever be friends (we hope) and forever be the kids parents. We are always going to be partners in that, God willing.

I guess what makes me so angry is that everyone analyzes the choice to divorce. As if, if I could produce enough evidence to convince them that we have done everything we could possibly do before we got to this place, they might hesitantly offer their support. I feel like I should issue some kind of statement that I could just send out to each person who asks. I know that so many ppl ask because they care. It's not that I doubt that. I'm sure most ppl don't think about how many other ppl you've hashed it out with. What bothers me is the judgement. I got one e-mail where the woman didn't even have the courage to sign her name. She told me her husband had an affair and that they were still going to stay married. I don't remember sharing that we had that issue, but who ever she was, she had decided that if they could do that, so could I. What if that was my issue? What if my husband had 20 affairs? What if I couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him and he was abusive? Yet she still felt the freedom to write a letter telling me how God felt about my divorce and how she was succeeding and I was failing.

Then there's the ppl who tell you it's hard on the kids. Really?! Huh. I had never even considered that. Therapy? Really? You think we should try it? Huh. Never entered my mind. Get counseling from our church pastors? Huh. Well... I guess I could. Argh! Like it's not painful enough without ppl's assumptions that you are the most clueless human on the planet... when you're LIVING it! Day in and day out, for years, struggling with the tearing apart of two ppl who were one. Do you think it's painful? Really? I guess it could be. (Was the sarcasm inferred there?)

Sorry. Divorce is awful, it's so painful... what leads to the divorce has got to be just as bad or who would go there, right? So here's a couple in upheaval, in misery and the ppl who should be offering a shoulder to cry on... are slapping their wrists. If they could see me at night, in my bed... holding my head, heart breaking, struggling to make the right choice... dealing with the facts that lead up to the choice. It's overwhelming in the way the titanic was overwhelming for the passengers... all the while, trying to give a smooth ride to the little ones on board. You've no idea... unless you've been through it too. Then you know.

I heard on the radio a woman say that she had gone thru something similar... the criticisms from every side. She said the one comment she never forgot was when someone said to her, "I'm so sorry about your divorce. It must be so hard." That's all. "It must be so hard." It stuck with her, and blessed her. The woman on the radio probably believed as I did, that she'd be married forever. I dreamed of being old and holding hands on a front porch swing. Maybe some ppl get married with an out option, but I believed in RV's and rocking chairs. Sometimes we take a beating from life, and we learn to walk with a limp. I'm still crawling, I'm hoping to limp soon.

You know there's a reason God hates divorce. Is it 'cause He doesn't want ppl to jump in and out of marriages so He had to say something really profound to make His point? I don't think so. It's because to the depths of his being, He loves ppl. He knows what leads to divorce and He knows how much it hurts them. It's a wound that somehow was self inflicted... something went terribly wrong and it tore two ppl who became one... back into two again... and the tear is never clean. He hates that, and not the ppl themselves. He can heal. He can bind. He can restore. Lucky for some of us, He can do this to two broken ppl as well as He can do it for a marriage. He loves ppl. He loves me, even when you think I've failed. Even when I hate myself. Even when my life feels destroyed. He loves me. Once I get that... everything else falls into perspective.

Things women would like to say to men.

2011-04-04T08:43:00.009-05:00

"Really? You like my hair in a pony tail on the side like Chrissy from Threes Company? Cause even as a young girl I knew there was something wrong with her."

"Why do you tell me I look better with no make up if every time I have it on you say, 'Oh, you look pretty.'"

"Why is it, with rock climbing, basketball, going out with the guys, golfing, retreat's and basket weaving courses, you spend your whole life working to buy a home you clearly don't want to be in?"

"You know, it really built up my self esteem when you said I was a good cook... until one day I noticed what you were content to eat when I didn't cook."

"Do you remember that one night, when I told you how much I loved it when you left your shoes and socks in the middle of the living room floor every single night? Yeah, me neither."

"Thanks for buying me several different outfits for my birthday. None of them are close to the same size, but it doesn't matter... it's still sweet."

"I appreciate you being so supportive of my work-outs, but if you could sound just a little less jubilant when I say I'm gonna exercise, that would be great."

"Member how I gave birth to your children, and then fed, clothed, washed and raised them? Yeah... I was wondering if you could please just tell them these 3 little words that are so close to my heart... 'Get in bed!' Thanks."

Your world is full of Sunshines.

2011-03-12T13:56:00.007-06:00

I've been thinking about a girl I knew in high school today. She was a year or two younger. I didn't know her well. I'll call her Sunshine, cause she was always smiling and happy. I got married when I was 17, so by a year after graduation, I was already an old married woman when I'd heard the news.

Sunshine had taken her own life. She had been arguing with her mom. Her mom went outside then heard a shot and ran back in to see her little Sunshine laying dead on the bed, a single shot point blank into her head.

I believe in God. I know Sunshine did too. I believe when we die, we stand before Him and according to the Bible, if we were His... if we responded to His invitation to be His child, He welcomes us home. I share that to say... I knew where she was. I was sad for her... very sad, and confused as to how someone her age could hurt that deeply... with her life just beginning, but I knew she was not dead in the cold ground. She was with Jesus.

However the person I could never get out of my head, was her mom. I was just 18 or 20 so it wasn't really natural to identify with the mom, but I did. I assumed the thoughts she was thinking, once she was able to regain any sanity... were 'Why didn't I just close my mouth? Why didn't I just give in this once? How did I fail her so miserably? Why didn't I keep that gun where she'd never find it? Why didn't I do more to make her feel loved?' etc. etc. ad nauseum until she wanted to take her own life. I'm sure that was one of the first lucid thoughts she had... was why couldn't she be the one laying on the bed and her daughter be alive and well.

I don't know why I'm thinking of this family. But 20 years later, my heart still goes out to them. I still hurt for them cause I know for them it probably still feels like yesterday. Was it really their conversation that pushed Sunshine over the edge or was Sunshine waiting for her mom to leave so she could go ahead with her plan to end her (assumed) miserable life?

How many ppl do we talk to everyday? As a self proclaimed recluse I don't talk to too many "real life" ppl most of the week, but... on a daily basis, through the Internet, I speak to dozens. I wonder how many times I'm aware the person who "liked" my silly post... has cancer. I wonder if the person who hurt my feelings, one too many times, and now I avoid... is being beaten or abused at home. I wonder if that flirty young guy I defriended... was also suicidal.

One thing I have learned in the past two years on the Internet is that everyone is hurting. And some to the point of doing anything they can to get away from the pain. I've been in that place, and it's a daily struggle to come back out. Sometimes the solitude feels safe, but this is a dark place. We're blind here and we need the encouragement and love of those who care to help us navigate through the night. I stopped reaching out to church friends. I got hurt so I hid. But you can get hurt anywhere, as long as ppl are still ppl.

I'm trying to come back out. I go to a women's group now and I'm trying to trust again, but it's gonna be a long road. It's time to feel all the hurts and stop stuffing them down. If you're hurting deeply as I have been, I really encourage you to pray. Even if you've never been a prayer. God might have been a far off light for me during this lonely time, but I could always see that light and it was the only thing that offered me hope... that there was a better tomorrow waiting.

I also encourage those of you who feel strong now. How many Sunshines cross your path and you never even know it? Speak kindly, to them, and about them. Give them something to hope for. If they're close, touch them. Stroke their hair and hold their hand while it's in your power to do so. Life is too short, not to focus on others.

I'm covered.

2011-02-07T07:47:00.007-06:00

So Paul and I have been learning so much during this journey we're going through. I've learned that I am not in control of my relationship with God. Which is funny, cause that's something I love... a man in control. Turns out, He is. But growing up slightly legalistic... I really thought I walked with God, because I chose to walk with Him. And that His acceptance of me hinged on my actions. Well this past year or so, with my actions being so far off the bulls eye (I wasn't even hitting the wall that the target was hanging on...), you would certainly think that I would feel God's anger and disapproval, but instead... I felt His peace and His patience. This is a side of God I knew existed, but I thought was only accessible to those weak in the faith. In other words, I thought because I knew better and He knew I knew better, that that kind of mercy was not really available to me.

I had a little break down last night. A break down for me means crying... I don't cry too much. I've felt so even keel through all of this that I was becoming a statue. Paul and I would go on dates and hang out with friends and just generally kept living life as usual. This seemed to confuse everyone. Everyone, but us. See, we've been best friends since we we're barely old enough to drive. Being friends isn't a stretch for us. But last night I had to face some things head on. Some hurts I couldn't shove into the corners of my mind anymore and when they stared me in the eye... it was too much for me. I am drowning in sorrow, but I just keep treading that f*!#ing water. Well last night I said no more and I allowed myself to feel some of the pain. Highly unpleasant.

I have tried to keep numb to the pain for so long that I wasn't real anymore. I was turning into a blur of pixels. I realized I had to do something drastic. I went to deactivate my FB account, but my daughter's out of the country and is communicating with us thru it. So then I decided to go thru my friends list and delete every friend that I didn't really know. My criteria was that 1) I had to have met them/would meet them or/knew them well 2) That I was supportive of them and/or vice-versa. So I started chopping away at the FB tree... I knew I might offend, but worse than that, was the thought that I would hurt any one. Sometimes though, you have to prune yourself of all excesses or when a storm comes, those branches will become your weakness and will carry you to the ground.

When Paul and I talked last night, I told him I was trying to wake up and join the world again, and that a part of that meant I needed to face the pain of the divorce. I went on a walk and came to a conclusion. It's right. It's the right thing for us and we both believe it. That doesn't mean we want it, or that we wouldn't change the past so we wouldn't have to be where we are right now... but it's the right thing and we both stick by that. It hasn't been a quick decision, but a very long and drawn out one, filled with pastoral counseling, secular counseling, marriage counselors, personal counselors, support groups, you name it.. we were there. I am coming to terms with it and God willing, I will have peace about it all one day, but until then I know something now. I know God loves me no matter what, His mercy is for me too and He will never stop pursing me. "Little lamb, little lamb, grateful for her Shepherd."

A city under a hill.

2011-01-25T15:48:00.008-06:00

This thought came to me today. What if... and this is addressed to Christians, so you're welcome to read this if you are not one, but it's not really being sent to your mailbox... What if, the only time we gave words of encouragement was when we were ready to physically back it up? I wonder how much more seriously we would weigh our offerings.

I mean.. it's not that we don't mean well. We definitely *want* our neighbor who's sick to get well. We want our friend to find another job since he was laid off. We want that couple to get pregnant, they've been trying SO long. But... sometimes we just... say things. We tell them to be strong and know that God is on their side. (He is.) We tell them all things will work together for their good. (It will.) We tell them we'll pray for them. (Sometimes we remember to do that too.)

But what if we met them somewhere? Or took some sort of something to their house? (Christians are good at casseroles. Don't knock the power of a good casserole.) Or what if we... dare I say it out loud... invited them into our home? WAIT A MINUTE! Now that's getting a little personal. We have jobs and kids and no time to clean and our house is too small/lacking in proper furniture/filled with kids etc., etc, etc. I definitely struggle with that. I am a total recluse. Three years now. If I didn't have FB to remind me how to speak to other ppl I would be curled up in a ball in the corner every time the doorbell rang. So if anyone understands not reaching out... I understand it. But the words come easy cause in our hearts... we really do care. I love ppl. I enjoy them, they make me laugh and cry... I love their stories.. I just love them. But to invite them into my safe place... that's scary.

A few years ago I decided I'd had enough of friendship. I'd been burned so many times that I knew I couldn't face one more let down. My heart was broken and empty and that's when I went into my little turtle shell. I didn't trust women anymore, nor did I understand them. I loved ppl.. was I really so hard to love in return? What I wouldn't have given to have had someone meet me for coffee, follow up an invitation, or the big one... invite me into their home. My marriage fell apart, and I felt fully alone. I talked so little that there were times I did not recognize my own voice. A puppy we had was my solace when the kids were tucked in and I was alone.

Does this sound beyond pathetic? I'd be ashamed if I believed I were the only one. But since being on the Internet, I have found there are more like me than not. The world is alone and hurting. It's not because God doesn't love us... it's because His hands and feet (the church) is secluding. We're becoming hobbits living in shires. I encourage you, if you have the strength, love on ppl, however you can. And if words are all you can offer... let that be your last resort.

Sink or Swim

2011-01-20T12:19:00.007-06:00

Did you ever look at someone you've looked at a thousand times before and wonder who they were? I tend to do that when I look in the mirror. Who am I? I thought I knew. I was on a path. I knew where I'd come from, I knew where I was and I had visions of where I was going... where I would end up. How is it possible that smack dab in the middle of your life (or what you hope is the middle) that everything you knew, could be erased? Who hit the delete button, how did they get my password? I don't remember anyone asking my permission. I feel hacked.

That's my new focus, or what I'm hoping will become a focus. How do I become the sole bearer of my password? How do I find the strength to accept that who I was... was not what decided me anymore than who I am now decides who I will be? Am I able to decide who I will be? Is it OK? Whose permission am I looking for?

I was in church Sunday and waves of emotion were pouring over me. "Who will save me?" was the question washing over me until I thought I would drown in sadness. At the alter call I wanted to run forward to our sweet pastor and sob "I need to be rescued! Who will rescue me now? I'm alone... I've been alone and the loneliness and hurt are going to destroy me!" But I didn't. He's just a man like me. He can't save me.

I know what some are thinking.. that only God can save me, but I'm learning something more... He wants me to learn to swim. He doesn't need my password. He has full access without it. He wants to teach me to stop giving the password out. Really Lord? I mean I was always strong.. it's not that I didn't know how to swim. But now He tells me I never really swam... I was only treading water. A person gets tired treading water. Furthermore, they never go anywhere. They just stay in that spot... waiting... fearing the occasional shark... never enjoying the water... anxiously awaiting the day their strength will give out.

So here I am God. You know me. You know who I thought I was, You know who I wanted to be... but far more important, you know who I will be. You want me to learn to swim, with You as the strength in my legs.

There are so many ways to numb myself. I want so much to head for the cold, frigid waters where I'll soon lose all feeling. But that's not why You made me. Why did you make me again? Oh yeah... I have to swim. I have to feel the pain of unrelenting movement if I'm going to find that out. I'm so scared.

I wanna run to you!

2010-12-18T13:58:00.001-06:00

Oh my goodness. It's been almost one year since the last post! This is a very hard blog to write. I really never dreamed these words would come out of me. After almost 25 years of marriage... Paul and I are getting a divorce. It is quite shocking to me too... even though the possibility was always floating around out there, I don't think I could have pictured my life without him.

Our marriage was in a sorry state for years. I didn't really know what was wrong, but it was wrong for sure. Paul knew he was losing me. At some point I just gave up. He spent a year and a half becoming a better person. He went to therapy, men's support groups... it was such an admirable effort. However a week before Thanksgiving we had a talk about personal things and I was simply unable to continue after that. I filed for divorce the next day.

We are not using lawyers, we are making sure the kids know we are always going to be friends and family. I've told them we simply will be living in two different houses. It has actually been harder on the older ones than the younger. Kala and Spence thought their parents marriage was forever... as did I. As a matter of fact, when we went thru hard times, I would picture us old together, rocking on a front porch, holding hands, talking about our kids. That dream is dead... at least as far as I know. My goal now is to find a job and a place for the little ones and I to live. I just want to live simply. I have never really been single. It seems a little scary to me.

Do you want to know the saddest part of all this for me? This year and a half... when I was so unhappy and wanted a divorce so badly, but never thought God would allow it... I kind of ran from Him. I drank, smoked... hid away on the internet. I went to church, but not for appearance sake... never for that. But because that's what church is for. It's for sick ppl who realize they can't do it on their own... that they need a Savior. The one time I told God in prayer that I wanted to divorce and have a place of my own... I finally felt peace. I was sure that couldn't be from God. How could God ever approve the divorce of two Christians? I shook it off... surely that was my own wishful thinking.

Then, after Paul and I talked that night, I realized I'd been running from God for nothing! Foolishness! I should have been running to Him. I didn't trust him to meet my needs, whatever they might be. Why do I doubt that His ways are best? ARGH! What I wouldn't do to go back and give him everyday of that year and a half.

So things are in motion. Paul and I are doing very well as friends. Supporting each other the best we can thru this time. Holding on to God and offering kindness to one another. We crave your prayers, we offer a shoulder to cry on, should you need one and I encourage you to remember where your help comes from.

Looking Up

2010-01-02T10:05:00.009-06:00

Holy cow Imunna write a blog here... What has it been 6 months? That actually makes me want to cry cause I know how hard these last 6 months have been and what has kept me from writing. Paul and I have been through it... to say it has been overwhelming is to play it down.

It seems so poetically appropriate that it is Jan. 2nd and I would write my first blog now. It's a new year, new beginnings, a heart standing on the edge of the high dive, trying to decide if it has the guts to jump off... to trust again... to give itself away while asking for nothing in return.

I recently read that Woody Allen said of his former adopted daughter now wife (excuse me while I convulse then vomit) "The heart wants what it wants." That sounds deep right, but really he's just a nasty cuss. It's easier to manipulate words than it is the greatest fool on earth... hence the actual career of spinning politics. So I can write this blog today, sharing my heart, but not yet my circumstance. I'm actually writing a book... I've always wanted to... and maybe, at the least, it will help me gain clarity. Something I need now more that I ever have before.

If your marriage is faltering... hanging on by a thread, I only have one thing to say to you... if Paul and I can make it... anyone can. 2009 found us closer to divorce than we had ever even considered in our wildest dreams... Paul said he had always taken pride in our marriage... he took it for granted, he said... just assumed it was always gonna be there no matter what. Well no one is safe. He said if we make it to 25 years, we're having a 2nd wedding and going on a Mediterranean Cruise. I may stick if just for the cruise :)

So say a prayer, and if you're one of my many new atheist friends, wish us luck... cause it's gonna take something supernatural for us to overcome, but if it encourages you... things are looking up... literally and figuratively :)

Except...

2009-07-07T17:21:00.003-05:00

Wow, this is the longest I've ever gone without blogging since I began a few months ago. I guess I just feel like what else is there to say? I shared the angst that caused me to write in the first place, now what? LOL... I don't know... Surely this time there is nothing to share... hmmm, let's see.

My offerings are pretty weak right now... anything I have to lay on the alter seem so diminished... After those two years of being sick, I tried to join the choir again... oops, got extremely sick to my stomach first song in and had to go home... I think God's gonna keep working on me for a while before He allows me to minister again... seems fitting.

So which way is up in this journey? I love that even if my mind doesn't know, my heart does! I have been consumed by the love of God to the point that I know He is doing a work and that He would no more forsake me in my failings than He would refuse to forgive a humbled man his sins. Not that I wanna be humbled... ha! That's probably why Adam and Eve hid in the cave when they had sinned... God is skeery! But mostly when you're hiding, dreading what you think He might do. My youngest is strong willed like you've never seen a child... she will stand right up and say "NO!" to your face... but you take one step toward her and she humbles herself immediately. We like to picture God sitting on His throne. Why? Cause God walking is more than our minds can handle. When he is walking with us, we are in bliss. When He is walking towards us... kablam! We hit the deck, humbled and fearful... but the Bible says to fear the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. It's best to walk with Him, no?

So... where do we go from here, now that all of the children are growing up? (Wow, tell me I didn't just quote Styx!!!) I guess if you were wondering what's new here... not a lot of great stuff... except... and that's the good part. On my part, nothing really stellar is happening, but on God's end... stuff is in motion. I was fearfully and wonderfully made and there's not a one of us that wasn't. Stuff Is In Motion. So again, if you are in a similar boat... and the waters are rocky and dangerous... know that Someone loves you and is fighting on your behalf... Wow, you know what? That just changes everything.

My worst enemy.

2009-06-26T12:27:00.003-05:00

Life sucks, end post.
LOL, oh dear now I've gone and cracked myself up. (Not really.) I've been sharing since I first started this blog that I have had a deep and painful problem... of course, being human, I have many... but the one that's giving me the most trouble is my marriage. You might wonder why on earth anyone would want to share such personal information in a public forum. I am such a firm believer though that if we would only open up and share our problems, we would not only see that others are hurting too, but we would find the help we need.

Paul and I have been married greater than half my life. I love no one on earth more than him... but that doesn't mean things can't crumble! Not only does life, family, kids, work, relational... and weather issues tear it down... Satan is there daily with a chisel and a hammer chipping away at it! Paul and I are so weary. He has more on him than I do on me and yet his burden to save this thing is greater... he is the hero that must rise up to save us... nice to be a girl right now, though I will do my part. I believe most marriages go through this at some point. It's the point in the marathon where you hit the wall... only this is worse, cause the wall hits back. It's emotional. Your heart, mind, body and soul are tied up in it. People don't tell their kids when this happens but guess what... when their kids struggle in their marriages they think there's something wrong with them. "Mom and Dad were so solid, even with all their faults..." Guess what kids... mankind is the same from age to age. There's nothing new under the sun.

If I could begin to tell you the problems wrapped up in a troubled marriage (assuming you don't know) you would flip. How do we survive this crap??? Something so cool happened for us. It was a total God thing. A few months back, when I still knew who I was... I saw an old friend on FB. I was worried that he and his wife might have walked away from the Lord so I inquired... We never knew each other well so it was interesting, but I am always kinda bold and luckily he wasn't offended so we had some good talks about it and that was that. Then a few months later he makes a smart remark on my wall and I call him on it. Over the day, my entire dissolving life is poured out to him... he totally relates and gives Paul and I both advice that is totally pointing us in the right direction... Do you see how incredibly important it is to be open with someone... anyone? God will bring the right person... but you gotta get it out there!!! You might tell 5 wrong people before you get to the right one, but who cares? Could things get any worse than they are now? That's what holds you back from healing... pride and fear!

So can't give you much info right now on the marriage thing other than to say that God is greater than your problems... no matter what they are. I again wonder what you have to hold onto... or to look forward to if you don't have a Savior. He saves us from so many things... but best of all... He saves us from ourselves!

There's no swimming in a wash.

2009-06-19T09:07:00.012-05:00

Man... I first started writing this stupid blog like 3 months ago... over 50 blogs logged. I didn't even know if I was gonna write a second one. The funny thing is, I am writing this blog at a really icky time in my life. I mean I started exactly when things started going down hill... either God thought somebody could identify... or He wanted me to work some stuff out... (both, I know). So here I am, and if you're still there, here we are. Just the two of us... making our way through.

In AZ. where I spent the majority of my life so far... we have these things called "washes" (giant gully's.) Maybe they have em all over, what do I know? But there are mountains surrounding Tucson, Mt. Lemon being the closest and when the snow melts or a big storm hits, the water comes rushing down the mountain into these washes. Now, we are all told as kids not to play in these things, which means, we all played in those things. People rode their ATV's in there cause it was a perfect, private roadway. But a flash flood could hit at any time of the year and there was no warning whatsoever! I mean, it was dry as a dead stump, then it was engorged with water that had just made its way down from the mountain top... people die every year in these floods.

I am wondering which valley is more difficult. There is the valley in life where we are struck unaware by a flash flood, then there are the valleys where we just wade through the garbage... (oh!!!) trudging along. As we look around, we can see a lot of the debris is our own. On one had, the flash flood is swift! It comes, we find a strong root, hang on for dear life, we overcome and we are stronger for it. No fault of our own, unless we were hanging out like a fool in the wash. But the dump... now that's a different story. It takes endurance, it takes support, it takes a certain amount of faithfulness... mmm... it takes hope that Someone is watching over us and is gonna make something useful out of all our crap.

I love that when God began this whole thing... He began with a garden. It makes so much sense... (obviously, right?) Everything in life can be compared to the Master Gardener and His creation. He made us out of dirt!!! Truly worthless in every way... until the seed is planted in our hearts... there is the seed of death in every man... but when we allow that ground to be tilled and softened, a new seed is planted. Which seed will thrive and which will die away? We are dung and that's ok. We should be ok with our dungness... in the enemy's hand, we sit... we steam in the sun, we are swarmed by the flies of life until we decompose and come to not in the ground... one spot, never moved... then gone. But in the Gardener's hand we become a useful tool... we have value and worth... we are still dirt and manure, but now with that seed of life, something beautiful will come out of our lack. I want to be out of the valley soon... back on a mountain top... loving life... if I could just stop making myself untouchable... my Gardener would use this pile of _____ (fill in the blank) to make something extraordinary. He will reach us... it's not like He can't... He just gives us our space. I think if we hang out in the valley of darkness too long, He will bring that flash flood to float us to the top of the wash... and onto something new. Man, it is so time to get out of the wash.

Bucket List

2009-06-18T00:09:00.002-05:00

1) Make an album of my songs.
2) Sing those songs to a large crowd (scared of small ones.)
3) Run a marathon.
4) Put all kids thru college, own home, and be debt free.
5) Travel: Alaskan cruise, Mediterranian cruise, Greece, Ireland, Paris, Israel and beyond.
6) Spend 3 months on a private beach.
7) Be in best health possible.
8) Surf and snorkel, sail on our own boat... without being scared of sharks.
9) Publish a good book.
10) Succeed at the things God intends for me to succeed at.

Here are 10... they are the just the fun ones mainly... and they're not in order :)

Soul-mates.

2009-06-17T14:39:00.005-05:00

So... what a weird weak... uh... week. Banished from commenting on facebook, then the computer breaks and forced to fall back into real life again (btw, yuck... I SO hate folding socks!!!) Just forced to do a lot of things I didn't want to do. About a dozen "hee-lar-i-us" people all said it was God's will for me to be forced into retirement. Sad thing is... I KNOW THAT, THANK YOU!!! (Like you're all so perfect ;)

So here I am at the public library for the 2nd time today...waiting for the fire, flood, tornado or whatever is gonna hit to make me have to go back home again. So here's the facts... besides a few side jobs here and there, I've spent way too much time at home over a 23 year span. It wasn't in vain, mind you. I raised two awesome kids, I'm incredibly proud of and I don't think I would have done it differently. I think the thing is... I feel through... like I should be done and I have two to go. I adore these little ones though... I mean... I love them so much I want to breath them in :) But I lost myself along the way. I don't tell you this cause I want you to feel like I'm all pathetic (which I am.) I say it cause it is SO common and if it could happen to me, it could happen to you.

I want... I need change. I love that I am changing shape literally and figuratively, but what does that mean for my brain and my heart? It is a slow process at times and my emotions can barely keep up. I do know one thing... that isolation which I crave outside of facebook... the one I keep saying is a bad thing... is a bad thing! Ha! I mean... there is nothing to be gained from it. So if I can encourage you in anything at all, it would be to reach out... even to unlikely sources.

I reached out to a very unlikely source and it has turned out to be a blessing to Paul and I both. I think one of the things that has to go first before you can reach out... is pride. If I had been a prideful person, I would continue on in isolation headed for a cliff, but you would be surprised how un-unique you are :) Not to sound unkind... in God's eyes there is no one like you... never has been, never will be. But situationally, you are not special and that is a good thing as Martha Stewart would say. So find a soul to reach out to today. Trust that the Lord will bring it around full circle till you're headed down a right path, but find a person who's been on your path and has found their way back out again. It's a bit foggy where I am right now... but I have a few hands to hold. I hope you do too.

Fiona awaits...

2009-06-11T10:45:00.004-05:00

My friend was telling me yesterday that I focus too much on my weaknesses in my blog. Hmmm... I'on know, but I have a lot of them, and I am going to list them below.... hahaha. When I got so sick a few years back, I spent a lot of time researching illnesses. When you go to the doctor, sometimes it's good to have some "legwork" done for them or it can take twice as long. I noticed something in all the diseases... there is pretty much a set amount of symptoms that goes with every sickness. Yeah, there's a few weird ones like purple rashes and stuff, but for the most part they just all go in different orders depending on the disease.

How many times can I say, I think we are all the same? We have the same sins... no extra ones made for any one person. Yes, you have your "purple rashes" like Jeffery Dahmer and ick like him.. but for the most part, we have the same failings... What makes us unique is our successes. Look at Michael Phelps... when someone has great success... we put them on a pedestal. For the most part, we human beings like to see people rise above the mire. Funny thing is a few months after his incredible high... turns out he still wanted a high. The dude smokes a marijuana bong at a party and quickly falls off his pedestal. We don't want people who we have set up high, to be on the same level as the rest of us. It's as if we are searching for something super human... hmmm.

You've heard it said, most likely, that there is a God shaped hole in our hearts, waiting to be filled. I have tried to fill it with alcohol, smoking, lust, greed, food, temporary joys, sin.... oh my word, the list should not get too specific... The reason I am sort of comfortable telling you that is that I know you have too. (Maybe not my Grandma... but the rest of you for sure!) I need the Creator of my soul and I need Him the way a princess locked in a castle needs a rescuer. I need Him the way a prisoner needs a reprieve. I need Him the way a virgin needs a lover. I need a hero (song ensues.) A knight on a white steed coming back for his fallen brethren.

We all lay in the mud, beat up by the enemy... beat down by storms, tired, weary, broken. I know you are like me cause I see you laying next to me wounded. Some days I can help you, and some days I fail to... same goes for you. Either way, here we are... waiting for our Savior... come Jesus... come for your bride, clean her off, bind her wounds, dress her in finery, and carry her away. You make her so beautiful and how we thank you for that hope! Fill that hole in our hearts... hear us calling.

A little R&R talk.

2009-06-09T06:55:00.004-05:00

I've had something I've been thinking about lately which is the difference between relationship and ritual. It's something that those of us in the church have heard about 1,ooo times and I doubt I have anything new to offer, but here goes.

Some churches offer something people have grown to expect... they may not enjoy it... doing the same thing over and over again... but it sort of comforts them. Our black lab enjoys tearing around the back yard free and untethered. Yet every morning when I go out to feed her and say good morning, she stands there and allows me... no, wants me to attach that zip line leash to her collar. Then she runs off happy, to spend her day getting tangled and ensnared in anything she possibly can. People are like that. They want to recite things that they have heard their parents recite... they want to kneel, (or jump, depending on the church) at all the appropriate times. It's a comfort. Then after they feel they have been appropriately attached to something, they run off to spend their days getting entangled.

I have a friend who believes church is a good habit... which makes a lot of sense. I mean, if you are going to do something repetitively, why not something as positive as an event focused on God, right? You get dressed up, you try to make it on time, you get the kids settled into their class, you visit with like minded people (for the most part), you then talk about and sing about Who? The Creator of your soul. How could this be anything but good? But it's not that it's not good... it's is it enough?! When is enough, enough with God?

When I was a kid, I was always cutting up and my family would say the same thing to me, over and over. "Beth, you never know when enough is enough." (Can someone say therapy!) :) The thing that always struck me was that they did. How did they know? Cause they were making the rules. They decided when enough was enough and they let me know when I reached that point... that's how I knew. It's like that in church... a lot of us let our parents or our mentors, pastors, peers... tell us when enough is enough with God. "Go this far, but go no further." "Know Him this much, but no more." "Love Him this deeply, but don't go overboard." When does sitting, rising, reciting and just showing up... become enough for us when it comes to knowing the almighty GOD?!

I owe Him so much. If He never did anything for me, after He died for my sins... would He be less to me? I can be so ungrateful at times. We have a friend who believed if God loved him, he would have wealth. He couldn't stick with a job for more than a year, but he expected wealth all the same. He was so affected by this belief that he eventually left his wife and kids and took off to chase dreams. He never realized his wealth lied in his hands all along... he threw it away. His relationship with God consisted of putting in the time at church that he felt was his part in his "relationship" with God and waiting for his ever elusive idea of success. As he sipped from the toilet tank, he never realized there was a river of running water to drink deeply from. I do that too. I settle for the least at times when God would give me the strength I needed to be victorious in every area of my life. We so often throw away the meat and gnaw on the bone.

May I encourage you not to go to church alone... but this Sunday as you make your way to where ever it is you go, go to God instead. Ask Him, "Who are You, and Who are You to me? Who am I to You? What do You have for me and how can I lay hold of this? Somewhere within those questions, lie the relationship over the ritual. Those who seek will find, those who repeat actions, will always end up with the same results. You always hear that Albert Einstein only used 7% of his brain... what a smidgen and look at all he accomplished! Don't be afraid to try something new with God... to go deeper... chances are you haven't come close to tapping into the wealth that lies within!

A day of peace, joy and love.

2009-06-05T07:35:00.008-05:00

So yesterday I decided I had to get out of the house... I have been cooped up here too long, but my 18 y/o (who is the babysitter in this story) had plans for the day and it looked like there was no hope for my escape. All of the sudden I realized (boing!) that I didn't have to go anywhere... in the car anyway. I was like... "I am leaving this house if I have to go through a window, but I am out of here!" So my sweet child # 2 told me to go for it and I went on a walk. Now of course I can go on a walk anytime, but during the middle of the day when everyone has events going on... it just hadn't occurred to me. I think of it as more of an evening thing and there's always the stinkers in tow making it impossible to do anything briskly. But out I went alone and it just happened to be my favorite weather in the whole world!

I love wind!!! Wind is one of God's most awesome creations! I could stand in it for hours... and if it's a little cold and the suns not burning my eyes... Heaven on earth and that was yesterday... so I started walking... briskly. Freedom! (William Wallace impression.) I was just me... with my own thoughts in my own special place... awesome. I was practically dancing by the time I got home. I shared earlier that when I was in high school joy was driving in the Tuscon foothills with my windows down and the radio on... singing and feeling that wind on my face. Loved it! But when we get older, we start wanting all things opposite from out youth. We want out of that car... we want out of the crowds... we want our naps back!!! I am coming out of a cocoon that I have been in for a few years now and I feel alive again.

Nothing is new under the sun. We all go through the appropriate highs and lows as we live each decade. We are young and want to be grown, we are teens and we want to be free, we are in our 20's and we want to be tethered, in our 30's we want to get it right, 40's we want to make it through... and you will have to fill in the blanks for me from there... but we are never new under the sun. Never. There is no trial you are experiencing that hasn't been lived through by a million others (no matter what fashion that is.) There is no circumstance that hasn't been foreseen. That really gets to me... God knew I was going to be going through this ... now?! Crazy. I think something snapped in me a few months ago. There was a lot of pressure and problems keeping me from staying afloat and it just seems like I snapped... ha! Kinda funny... but I don't feel like the same person I was... and God knew that!!! Fortunately, HE stays the same.

The answers to all the questions are in His hand and he wont forsake me... or you. No matter what changes life may bring... He foreknew and a He will never forsake. If I can wrap my mind around those two things... I just might make it through. He foreknew and He will never forsake. Every success and every failure I might have, He saw the day He created me and the day He died on the cross for my sins... and He still chose to do both. We are not mistakes... we are loved... we must grasp this to live life fully. Life is good... walk briskly!

Wrong lever!

2009-06-02T07:56:00.007-05:00

I've told you how much I loved the music artist Rich Mullins. I was watching one of his concerts on Youtube ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQnFU5JvuWY&feature=PlayList&p=2B587BF6D654F4C5&index=5&playnext=2&playnext_from=PL ) and he said something that struck me. If you remember God spoke once through someones donkey... can you imagine? Maybe that's where they got the idea for Mr. Ed. So Rich referenced this O.T. story and said that God had been speaking through asses for years. He said if you find yourself being a mouthpiece for God, that you shouldn't feel too lofty. That's how I feel when I write this blog... if there is any truth in it... anything positive to glean... it is not from me... I am an ass. :)

Have you noticed that we always think life is situational. If we are struggling financially it is because... if our relationships suffer it is because... if our health falls to pieces it must be... We (I) often forget the big picture... that life isn't supposed to be situational. God doesn't allow things (good or bad) to come our way on accident. When satan hurls his worst at us and God throws that lever that shifts the track, and that cart comes barreling toward us on our track... it's no accident. When I succeed I tend to think it is because of my character and when I fail, it is due to the situation. I.E. if such and such hadn't happened (or had) I would have had success.

There is a verse in the Bible that talks about not being surprised when situations come flying at you like a brick in the head (my own translation.) There are always going to be trials and tests. I have felt lately like if such and such were different, I would be successful. But that just means I failed before the test made its way to me. My mindset is off. I am to remain the same person, with the same character that I was when I was thriving. That is where the success lies... in the mindset which results in the action/reaction. It always goes back to Bible, prayer, and fellowship. You must be in fellowship and I don't mean sitting in a pew, shaking a few hands and going home. There must be accountability, encouragement... the Bible calls this iron sharpening iron. In that respect I am a dull sword... if you combine those I am a dullard :)

I hope that you are in a church that inspires and spurs you on to good works. I hope that you have relationships that cause you to be your most successful. I hope that you are full of encouragement for others. This truly is a battle... can you imagine facing an army alone? Not even possible. You must have all the weapons and tools your Commander has offered you. If you have fallen... stand up. If you need a hand, pray for one and it will most likely come... but grab it when it gets there or you will remain fallen. What is your mindset now? Where is your mindset now? Shield up, head down, lock arms... here we go.

Fountain of Youth

2009-05-29T10:29:00.005-05:00

Life sure passes quickly doesn't it? I remember being 5... like it was recent. A few months ago my friends sent me some pictures from high school... those memories are like yesterday's memories. When I look on the faces of my high school friends, I have such sweet feelings about them. High school is so much like FB... maybe that's why I love FB so much. You never realize that high school is the time of your life till your out. I am one of those people who forget to appreciate moments while I am in them. Sometimes I have to step out of myself to remember to enjoy life. I get caught up.

I would love to do so many things over again! Mistakes made, words said, opportunities missed... would love to change a few things. (Is this where Disney pops in and I get hit on the head by falling debris and I am suddenly back in high school?) There are boys I wouldn't have wasted my time on, and boys I would have spent more time with. I would have loved my friends more and realized how special they were... and were going to be... instead of worrying how they felt about me. Maybe I wouldn't have been so hard on myself as well. I loved to drive by myself with the windows down and the radio on... I would have done much more of that!

I don't think in 20 years I'll look back at myself now and think... a lot of the things I think I'd think. I wish I could ask "Older Beth" what she should have done differently... but I can't. I wish I had mentors and older friends who could encourage me in the Lord, but of course... hiding away now. All I know is these kids God gave me are beautiful... I want to be a blessing to them. I could literally hold them all day long if they'd let me. God feels that way about me. My empty fixes are so sad... why don't I just run into His arms when I'm feeling lonely? He said He'd never leave me or forsake me. I do know one thing because that thing has remained steadfast throughout my life... I can't ever look back and think of a time where I didn't want/need more of Him in my life... He is a never ending fount of goodness. He is true love, the likes of which this world has never seen until Jesus came.

Whether you're high school, or old school... may you find this fount and drink deeply, drink longingly, drink continuously... you will be filled.

You're Beautiful... you're beautiful... you're beautiful it's true!

2009-05-28T12:01:00.005-05:00

Have you ever had an identity crisis? I think I've had two... I'm in one now... I can't tell if I'm becoming a new person or just need to find my way home. Any advice here? Anybody, anybody? :) A lot of the things that used to make me a better person are teetering on the edge of something... and at the same time, some new things are entering in which are lovely in their own way too.

In the midst of all this, I am still a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister... again I want the desert island ever so. So much so that you shouldn't get me near the ocean now or I might make a swim for it. I know this stuff comes in seasons. I know if you talk to someone over 60 they will tell you to just hang in there that everything pans out... or as the Bible says, "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose in Christ Jesus."

I feel a bit lost in dreamland now... not very rooted or grounded, yet going no where. I am lonely, but I don't want to be around people. I am tired, but I don't want to rest. I am out in the open, but hidden away. A freak maybe... The rest of you look great though :) Real life is a bit unappealing to me now... Bills, illness, children leaving the home, children left to raise, marital trials, family issues... oi vey!!! My head is down... I am plowing right now... can't seem to get back in the rat race... tough stuff... anyone else struggling?

Arise oh dreamer... wipe the slumber from your eyes! Mmmmmm... easier said than done. I know one thing I need to do... above the tread mill, above the daily chores... I need to be grateful. God hates ungratefulness... He surely does. Maybe this is a one day at a time, one thank you at a time kind of thing. So here I go... thanks for bearing me out.

My God!!! Thank You!
For redeeming me, first and foremost!
For a husband who has loved me deeply and loved You most of all.
For children who are well and safe and beautiful.
For friends who put up with my awkwardness.
For a home with four walls and a roof and all the extras.
For forgiveness of sins!
For Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!!
And lastly, for HOPE!!!

I want to be with God in Heaven forever and I want all of you to be there too cause I love you ALL! Truly! I beg you each to seek Him. Without Him there is nothing real, nothing that lasts!!! Grab hold. You will still be you... not crazy like me... that's my thing :) You will just be saved and on a path that leads to life. One prayer... reach out to Him, He loves you, He created you and He created you for His good pleasure. Romans 5:8

When I am on your shoulders...

2009-05-19T10:55:00.006-05:00

My second child, oldest boy, graduates this Saturday. Yes, I do feel old, seeing as how this is the second child to leave the nest. It was very hard when our oldest daughter went away to school in '05. I couldn't believe that was all there was to parenting. As their high school hands them their diploma's, we parents are handed the certificate of "You're done... move on." Very nice, thanks! She did great out on her own, worked almost full time, went to school and attended church. We are very proud of her. As our son embarks on his future, it seems less scary. First of all, because he is a boy and that alone makes you feel safer, but he is very responsible and takes care of business before I have to say anything to him. He is what is known as an "easy kid." Never gets into much trouble, hard worker, never lets me down. I love him awful.

Having kids is so interesting. They're always a little bit you, a little bit your spouse and a little the person they will become. I can see a lot of Paul's qualities come out in the kids and I love that. I was at a special dinner party the other night... our oldest boy was with us (child #2). As Paul started talking about some interesting subject, my son's eyes glazed over... not the bored kind you might think... ha! No, it was the glaze of a boy soaking up every word his dad said. I had never noticed that before. He was just interacting and listening to others, but when his dad spoke on an interesting subject, he practically went into a trance. It was beautiful to me!

My oldest daughter's the same way with me. She is fiercely independent. If I said something was hot, she would grab it with both hands to prove me wrong. Yet she always allowed me to pour into her life... more than anyone else. She is totally her own person and a little bit of me :) What a weird process... raising this kid up from the time they are a nothing but a lump till they are an amazing beautiful functioning adult! I love her awful too!

Paul and I have had a really bad 2 or so years. Really bad. It's not that we haven't had plenty to be grateful for... things were just tough all over. I got very weak... very tired... not really myself. I used to be very strong... felt like there was nothing I couldn't do. Now, I feel like I've been hemorrhaging for a long time. The great thing about God being my Father is that when I went through all this, I was still a little bit Him. If I had been all together myself... I would have not made it. We need that... that parental influence speaking into our thoughts and decisions. Reminding us not to get too close to that cliff, to the traffic, to the deep end.

Things are just starting to look up again. Man, it's slower than I would choose, but there is hope in my heart again. God is so good! I am never deserving of His gifts... not one! But if it weren't for His constant presence I would not be here to receive a single gift He has given. He's always guiding, speaking, teaching, growing, and loving me, even when I just want to disappear. I wish I had never made one mistake where my kids are concerned... but they learn even through my mistakes. How incredible that our Father is a perfect example... when I face my times of hopelessness, His example is clear, deep and wide, no sign of unfaithfulness in Him. Thank you God for raising me... now please, raise me up.

I'm looking at the man in the mirror.

2009-05-18T10:36:00.009-05:00

Paul has always stretched me... and I have to say, I don't love it. Physically, I am very flexible, my friends and I have always joked about it, cause I am not in most other ways. He is just so darn open to life! I was born with some kind of Bah-Humbug chromosome that was passed on to me. He likes to go out to lunch with people... I being the "white recluse" do not. I like anything that has to do with getting deeper inside myself where no one will bother me and my thoughts :) So he asks a couple, their two kids and her mom. I find out about the impending function on the way to the restaurant as they are driving behind us. Nice. I ask who it is, in between heavy sighs, and it is a girl I like very much. She is Native American (N.A.) part of the Black Foot tribe, and her mom is someone I have grown to care about although haven't spent a lot of time with. Paul says he felt lead by the Spirit and I realize it's probably true, but can't help but throw out a whiny, "Can't you talk to me about these things first?" Of course then we wouldn't have done it and he knows that... oh yes, he's a keeper.

So my friends mom (I'll call her "Mom") spent most of her life in residential school. That was the imposed schooling the white man forced the Native American into... (although she doesn't like that title, she prefers First Nation.) "Mom" is dogmatic about her views and has a right to be. For five generations the N.A. people were abused sexually, mentally, emotionally and physically. FIVE GENERATIONS of N.A. children being sexually abused under the "church's" name! When I grew up the most I knew of the N.A. was that they gave us corn at the first Thanksgiving and that Tiger Lily from Peter Pan was prettier than Wendy. I mean we've all learned a little since then, yes... but an entire people group are living in 3rd world conditions now and have been messed up to the core, without hope of ever seeing their world the way it once was and very few are even talking about it... except for "Mom"... and she is pissed! Ha! I really like this lady... I know it's a stretch for her to see me as anything other than a white man, but I know she loves me too.

I forget that I am white sometimes... We go to a church that is culturally diverse... no words to describe how beautiful it is. It's not that I think I am black or brown or any other color... I just forget I'm different. When I grew up, I heard the stories of what the white man did to people of color. I learned it from Good Times and the Jefferson's more than I did the history books... but I didn't identify with those white people. I thought we were new white people... I didn't even know any racist's (as far as I knew) but that is what some people see when they look at me... I am one of them.

I know that's how the world views Christians too... us and them. I know God made us each special, unique... even our races etc. are special, but inside... we're all the same. I have been too deep inside myself for 3 years now so when "Mom" told me that, due to the abuse, her people were deep inside themselves and couldn't get out, I selfishly took the opportunity to glean. I asked her how does one get back out? She said it was due to technology... we hide in the TV, porn, what have you... (facebook) she said we need to get back to nature... to the land. I knew the answer, but I asked her if she thought we could... as a world... go back to the way things were... she said no. Eventually everything would be covered in cement. Let's hope that doesn't include our hearts.

The Atheist isn't a God hater... he's a God-not-knower... There are those though who have knowingly chosen their Master. The Bible says if you don't serve one master then you do serve the other so choose wisely. I can't control the way anyone sees me. I may look like my ancestors... (whether that's a slave trader or a safe house provider) or I may look like the religious leaders (the hucksters or the Billy Graham's) or I may look like my Father who loved the world so much that He sent His only Son to redeem the lost. Get me to the latter God. I want them to know You... even if I'm all they've got for now! Let me someday, be a truer reflection of You.

Please... no apples!

2009-05-15T07:52:00.005-05:00

School is winding down... teachers everywhere begin to have normal heartbeats again... parents begin to breathe erratically. What an amazing person is a teacher. I know there are a few who heard there was a job that had summers off and enlisted immediately, irregardless of their dislike of children... but for the most part, it is an amazing group if individuals who rise like cream to the top of the jar.

We spent three years going through the foster care program in order that we might adopt again. Even moved 15 miles south of our lives in order that we might get a house big enough for all these lil eggies. Foster care never takes this long... three years to get approved is unheard of. They just kept messing up. So now child # 2 may be moving out and we could get a smaller place in our own home town again... life is so weird... lessons to be learned. I could never be a normal foster parent though. These people are not human. They are amazing aliens or something... They take in a child that is not their own, love it, care for it and send it back to the parents who abused it to the point of it being taken in the first place. It kills them, but they knew the rules going in. I am one of those people who would move to Brazil with the child and hide there till they forgot about us before I ever gave it back. I can't give my love away completely to something that isn't mine. I would hold back... not wanting to be emotionally crushed, and the child deserves so much more.

I say that thinking of the teachers. My daughter is one of those who will deeply love each child and will suffer loss each year as they move on. Not all teachers truly love our children, but what they do is an act of beauty. Child # 3 has some serious ADD problems, but he is very intelligent and gets good grades so we don't yet want to medicate him. I think (in some cases) medicating them, keeps them from becoming who they are supposed to be. What if God had a huge self control lesson lined up at age 15. They wont need it, cause the medicine will do it for them. What if they had relational troubles... social troubles... what if that created in them the most compassionate heart that formed their life and career choices one day? I don't know... I'd do anything to take away their pain... but it is through trials that we become strong.

Child # 3 had the greatest teacher on earth this year. She was so understanding and kind to him. She has an ADDer at home herself. She "got" him. Maybe at some point in her life, she struggled herself and grew a compassionate heart. I am a bit of a pill popper... necessary, but still. One thing I haven't wanted to do though was to take a pill for emotional issues. I may not be able to control my thyroid, but I do want some control over my mind. I mean if I were at the point of suicide or a point where I simply couldn't function, sure... but it seems there has to be room left for suffering... for growth. # 3's teacher got that... she said we should do as we felt lead. I loved her for that.

So to all you teachers out there who are hanging on by your fingernails during this last week... what you do... when you do what you do right... is gold! Gold I tell ya!!! You may not hear it enough, you may not reap the benefits here on earth either... but for every kid you got through another awkward, painful, embarrassing, hurtful year of life... all while teaching them and throwing in a few good memories... there is no profession like yours... there is no one like you! You Rock with a capital R! And from someone who is incapable of giving my love to someone and then giving them away... thank you, thank you, thank you, for making that effort!!! We love you. We appreciate you. We honor you.

Hold me.

2009-05-14T15:25:00.002-05:00

Ok, I have no desire to blog today... too many burdens to bear... but what a perfect way to say... I only have one refuge. Please take a listen to one of my favorite singers/song writers that ever existed and who lives now with his Creator.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gBGGX3yvMo

Cut and paste

Home is where the heart is.

2009-05-13T07:27:00.005-05:00

When I was a kid, I felt different than everyone in my family... (and in the world... ha!) Didn't we all? I remember when I was around 10, I would search through my parents files and things sure I would find some kind of papers there that said I was adopted. I guess they hid them well cause I never found them. 30 years later I look at my youngest child... she loves her baby books, her photo albums. She has looked through them a hundred times and asks the same questions and repeats the same comments. Her favorite story is the one where we got her for the first time, at 10 months old, and when they handed her to us... she was the only child in a room of redeemed orphans that wasn't crying. All the other babies were freaking out, but not our baby. She simply soaked it in.

I have always been enthralled by the fact that the Jews were God's chosen people. Chosen? How do you get that gig?! I wrote a song to God once where I asked Him, "Who am I to You? Gentile or Jew?" It goes back to the rejection issue obviously. To quote Paul's favorite band, 'I want Him to want me.' 11 years ago, I was picking out my first e-mail address... I had been reading my Bible and I realized that when He grafts us into the vine (in other words makes us a part of His family) we become Jews by default. Hence my e-mail name "graftedjew" try to explain that one to all your business callers. :)

Child # 4 (the one I've been talking about) has 4 names... (First, 2 middle and a last.) She only has one Chinese name, but we wanted her to have a part of her heritage. We wanted one of her middle names to mean "I belong." We tried very hard to find the correct translation for this meaning, but they don't share our thought pattern for "self" in China. With over 1.3 billion people in this country, they do not go searching the spotlight as we do... yes, Americans are a special kinda breed. The more literal meaning of her name "Shuyu" is more like, "I belong to Paul and Beth." Which is not what we were going for... but the sentiment is there... she belongs.

I don't know about you but I forget Who I belong to at times... I forget my life was bought with a price... that I was saved from the fire... that Someone redeemed me from a room full of orphans and made me His own. We get disconnected. If my daughter all of the sudden developed a grand interest in China to the point that she was willing to forget about her family here and renounce her citizenship... I don't think I could ever recover. Where would I get another her? Coming from a country of over a billion to a county of over 300 million in a world of nearly 7 billion... she is the only one like her. That's true for each of us... we were created for a purpose, redeemed at a price, loved and yearned for by the Creator of us all. Adoption is an incredible gift... If you are lead to adopt... you will be blessed... if you have been adopted but you have forgotten where your home lies... turn the horse back towards the barn. If you have not been adopted yet... maybe it's time to be grafted in... pray friend... pray! He will never turn His back on a child seeking a Father... a child wanting a home. You are wanted.

Work it out baby now...

2009-05-12T09:25:00.005-05:00

Hi, my name's Beth... and I lack total understanding... wait... let me rephrase that... I totally lack understanding. Yes, that's it. I don't get people at all! Over a decade ago I realized this was my fault and not theirs. I could hardly think of one relationship in my life that I didn't feel conflict over... that's when I realized God was gonna scrape this up outta my DNA and work it out of me.

I know a lot of people didn't like the book, The Shack. I thought it was ok. Not great, not awful. Some people thought it was sacrilegious cause God was represented by a woman. The Bible clearly states over and over that He is a man, if you wanna believe the Bible... since it is the originating manuscript concerning God... makes sense to me. C.S. Lewis had Jesus represented by a Lion and Satan by a white witch so... whatever... The Shack wasn't supposed to be literal. Anyhoo... in this book, the Spirit of God is represented by an Asian woman... kinda floaty and awesome. The main thing I got out of this book was concerning this entity. The main character was working in a garden with the Spirit... he couldn't believe what a tangled mess it was. As they kept clearing away the brush and weeds... he finally asked what the garden was... the Spirit said, it was his heart. Wow! That really ministered to me... I have SO much junk in me and get so easily confused... I love that all the garbage we endure/survive is really a process of being cleaned out!

I was playing Scrabble with someone this morning who I always liked, but I kinda thought couldn't stand me. Don't ask me why I kept going back... glutton for punishment (coming from myself.) Turns out it was just a long, hard, cold, true winter in his parts and he came out as friendly as could be. I kinda beat myself up over that a little too. When will I learn I can't be responsible for peoples reaction to me? My husband is so good at this! Water off a ducks back... must be nice (big sigh.)

I think it's possible though that people like me (and I know there are millions of us) are the way we are for a greater purpose. Sometimes I feel like I can see into a person's heart... which, if they're hurting and need someone to truly feel their pain, can be a good thing. But these gifts, like everything, get distorted... what God gave for good, Satan wants to use for evil. So instead of wondering what is hurting someone... I wonder why they're hurting me... so selfish... and yet, so hard to ignore!

I know you have gifts... a compassionate heart, a desire to serve, a love for the lost, a love for the found... doesn't matter... it's God's gift to you... to give to him. Just like a Dad gives a child money to buy his Mom a birthday gift, God allows us to be a part of His greater plan. I hope I can encourage you that 1) you're not always gonna be like you are today... that barren land will be a thriving garden one day... and 2) don't let Satan twist what God gave ya. There is enough craziness to go around... breath in, breath out... and let go. God will work it out.

I can't help... falling in love with you...

2009-05-11T09:26:00.007-05:00

How are YOU today? :) I wish I knew... I have really loved hearing back from everyone... I am beginning to think my blog is something to be ashamed of... no one writes me here... only in my inbox like they're embarrassed to admit they read it. Well, don't feel bad! I would be embarrassed too. Ha! But I do love hearing from you... Sharing life is so important and there is so much to be gained from it.

I already told you about my sweet friend who doesn't know the Lord yet cause he thinks he is an Atheist ;) I truly care about him and his fam. There is another cool dude (I somehow end up with more dude's than dudette's from Scrabble, don't ask me how it happens.) This guy cracks me up... I don't think he'll mind if I share about him... first 'cause no names, but also because he is really outgoing and loves to talk... hmmm... wonder what we have in common. He was divorced last year and I just had this feeling like maybe that wasn't the end for them... His ex is a Christian... he goes to church with her and his kids sometimes... very sweet, but you might think he hadn't spent a lot of time in a church from the looks of his wall.

I actually told him once that his wall was vile. Ha! There was no where I could look without cringing... (He was very surprised by that :) The other day, out of the blue he says he thinks it's interesting that we ended up Scrabble friends... I thought maybe God had something to do with it cause I pray for him and am in his corner so to speak. Anyway, he's kind of a tough guy... likes the bars, the girls, the choice words... stuff like that. So when he said he wanted to become the man God wanted him to be and that his wife needed... I was shocked... Man! God works on His own time. You can pray for someone for decades or 10 minutes... He has a plan for each life... so pray also for this fella and his fam... as for all of us... there's a battle going on for his soul.

I tell you this to encourage you to open up with people... I find it easier to open up with strangers than people I've grown up with. I told my own mom I didn't even want to know she read my blog cause it makes me so uncomfortable to be so vulnerable with those who know me well. But women are especially able to open up fast. You stick two women on a bench and within 5 minutes, they will know each other's life stories. It's just the way we communicate. If a woman holds back while we are vulnerable with her... we're like, "How she gonna be like that?!!!" We expect give and take.

One of my favorite authors is Rob Bell. He has this quote (couldn't find the direct one) that goes something like this, 'Love with an ulterior motive isn't love at all.' I used to go "street witnessing" where you would share your faith with strangers. I have stood toe to toe and head to head with screaming, angry abortionists and men breathing beer down my face as they yelled at me. I always tried to relate to them 'cause I knew if we'd met under different circumstances, we could be enjoying each others company. But I can't fight that battle for their soul. I can only do one thing... love them. And if I am only loving them to see them saved, then I am not really loving them. There have been a few wives/girlfriends who thought their husband was spending too much time with me (believe me, I don't blame them one bit!) and they would make him drop me from their list. Funny thing is... with nothing in common, no chance or desire to meet... I felt like I'd lost a friend. And here I thought maybe they were the ones receiving!

I pray you find a sweet atheist, tough guy, lesbian, old lady, preacher's kid, alcoholic etc., etc. to befriend... all I know is... I'm reaping the benefits as God moves on their hearts.

Touched.

2009-05-09T11:10:00.008-05:00

Feels wrong to blog on a Saturday... like I'm for sure not gonna have anything to say... hmmm...

Just did the dishes... again! Paul mowed the yard yesterday... again! Do you ever get the feeling like you're just spinning your wheels? Doing the same repetitive things over, and over and over again... repetitively! :) Washing dishes used to drive me bananas. We lived in AZ. and I would let my mind wander and dream about living in Franklin TN. I would wash a dish for like 15 minutes before I realized what was going on. You know how long it takes to do a sink full that way?!

I figured out the secret a while back... Don't think. I know that sounds impossible, but seriously... a person like me could go insane with all these thoughts! I remember an episode of Get Smart where 86 had to turn off his thoughts or... can't remember... something bad... and he succeeded. I have never forgotten that! I wanted that super power! My husbands G'ma had a trick that's the closest I've come. When she couldn't sleep, she would see each thought on a blackboard and erase it. It works for me... erasing fast and furiously... course then there is chalk dust everywhere in my dreams, but nothings perfect. Try it.

This world is decomposing... That brand new dishwasher is on it's way out the minute you use it... it's not getting any newer... same with your awesome BMW... er Pinto. And from the minute a baby is born, it begins to die... God willing that kid will have 90 years, but every day is a step towards eternity. Lately I've had such a hard time focusing... too much Facebook time, no doubt! But I can't help it... I love all of you... I really do. From my dearest friends, to people I never really got along with, to people who I couldn't have less in common with if I were an Alien (shut up.) I really love you.

Reading my Bible every night again has been helping, but I'm changing so much... a Christian's evolution :) I used to be very black and white... still am, don't get me wrong... I am a one main view kinda person. But I am learning to take God out of the box. He covers so many areas... He leaves nothing untouched... like the Dalits... the "Untouchables" in India... total outcasts. He's touching them. How could any area of my heart be left untouched? If He is able to do so much with so many... how could he not do an infinite amount with one? Gives me hope. I'm always needing hope.

The truth is, I'm dying... so are you... why haven't you surrendered to Him yet? You could blame the church... and every Christian you've ever met, but I've told you, they're not any different from you... just people who need Jesus... and are supposed to be loving on you... on each other. When you gonna let Him expose and reveal your heart to you? How you gonna hide from God forever? You can't. You can turn off your thoughts... but He's still there, thinking of you whether you're thinking of Him or not. This stuff... no matter how poorly presented or represented... is real. Look into Him... let Him look into you. If you're like me... you've got some stuff in there that's still untouched.

S'jus like Hootie says.

2009-05-08T11:44:00.006-05:00

Wow, I got nothing today, but this is free therapy so lets see where it goes :)

I've had several people comment on what a "good person" I am... when you talk about God... you look better. Anyone that comes near Him, just looks better. My heart is so selfish and wicked. James (in the Bible) says that if you know to do something and don't do it... you have sinned. I think that's kind of cool cause that means God can put anything on any one's heart... we're not clones. Like if I told one of my kids to do a chore and not the other... then the child who disobeyed would be guilty of just that... while the other child would be guilty of nothing.

At the women's conference I went to, one of the speakers, who weighs 90 lbs. soaking wet :) said she was addicted to food and that she couldn't leave the grocery stores parking lot with out popping a brownie in her mouth. I wondered if the brownie itself would have been different in her car or in her home... but that was the voice she heard in her head so it was good that she listened... we don't want to live in self condemnation either though... that's Satan's job... let him have it. Sometimes though, if you're hungry, maybe you should eat a brownie. :)

I've shared that I've been kinda sick... and in Nov. It got really bad and just stopped eating altogether for the most part. I eat when we go out and at dinner time mostly... and not a lot at that. I cut out a lot of sugar and lost a lot of weight... which is lovely... I'm dizzy a lot, but I also learned some wicked self control. Ha! It's something I never had much of. I'm loving that... but maybe you've heard Dr. Phil say when you drop one addiction, you gain another. Hello Facebook! At least 3 times a day I go on for... a while, LOL. Being a stay at home mom for well over 20 years kept me from having a social life... that and oh yeah, the recluse issue. :) So I am really loving talking to people all through out the day.

When I was a 5 I climbed a tree and climbed too high... I fell a long way down and was hurt badly. When I was 8 we had a very high retaining wall in our yard... I fell off it... a long way... and broke my back tooth. What's the main thing you hear with every possible situation you can take on? Balance. I think when people say they have an addictive personality it just means they never learned to balance for what ever reason. Maybe someone was always holding their hand or not holding it enough... or maybe we're just hard wired that way... but some of us lack it. There are SO many things that I shouldn't go near, that you might be able to. I think everyone is unbalanced in certain areas of their life. I have known a lot of people who are SO self disciplined and do everything right! I have also noticed a lot of those people have pride issues... balance.

So say a prayer for me... send me an inbox note if you need prayer too... I would love to share in your life... that's what its all about... Have you noticed when you stumble, the first thing you do is reach out to grab something... what a great feeling when someone grabs your hand and catches you. Here I am, trying to create that Utopian society again, but hey... why don't we try it. HOLD MY HAND!

Love talk.

2009-05-07T07:43:00.009-05:00

My friend, from way back in the day, just wrote me a beautiful note in my inbox. She talked about hugging and how it sort of feeds her soul... and how some people are closed off to that kind of affection cause it is awkward. Ha! That's funny. I remember in jr. high seeing the girls run to hug one another... even though they had seen each other the very day before. I wanted to be like that... comfortable doing weird things... but I couldn't. It seemed fake... were they really so overcome with joy that they had to run into each others arms squealing? Like I told my friend last night... I don't do shallow well.

I love that people have a love language. I did that love language test and mine came up "quality time" (I would love to know what yours is.) That one fits me to a T. I have made a fool out of myself so many times trying to connect in a group. Everyone else wanted to talk about the weather or sports... I wanted people to talk about their hurts, hopes and dreams. Ha ha ha! I can get the weirdest looks sometimes. Paul always told me I make a terrible first impression, but that people like me when they get to know me. Let's hope that's true... I don't want my friends list count going backwards... depressing.

I do remember one hug... When we went to Africa in '98 on that mission trip, for many of us, it was our first time. From the long and overwhelming travel, to the restroom and sleeping situations, to the culture shock in general... my friend, that I had just met... was extended. We had been walking the villages all day. It can be a bit intimidating at first. You would walk into the hut of a total stranger and sometimes, your eyes wouldn't adjust to the light for an alarming amount of time. You would stand there in total darkness not knowing who was standing there to welcome you... or not welcome you. The Africans were awesome every time, but at first, you don't know what the reaction will be. They offered food that we couldn't eat b/c of the different bacterias. So with a hut of 20 women all staring at me as a bowl of corn was passed I had to decline. In a nation where starvation was normal, I looked at them feeling ashamed and wishing I could just take the freaking corn! I made a joke about dieting... who knew they would get that, but they all laughed... so sweet!

After a day of these kinds of situations and bugs and crocodiles and the like... I, like my friend, was extended. When we saw each other... practically strangers... we walked into each others arms and embraced. A little cry escaped our lungs... a spoiled American cry, but a cry none the less... I felt her fear (she had seldom ever left her mother) I felt her homesickness, I felt her fatigue... I felt... her... in that moment... I was in the eighth grade again... but there was no squealing... there were no loud words... just two people who needed comfort cause they were far away from home.

I know this has been my main theme... I guess it's always on my mind. Home... I'm homesick for a better time, a better place. It is real... of this I have NO DOUBT!!! None. None at all. When I see you there... I will hold you unashamed, unembarrassed... no fears, no doubts, no hurts... just two people who made it home after a long journey. There is a song by the artist I mentioned the other day, Keith Green.
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h89-3_kIRDA ) Maybe you'd like it... cause one day... this life will be the dream... living with God, or separate from Him, will be the reality. Until then, I will try to hug you and should the very Spirit of God come upon me (cause that is what it would take) I might even greet you with a holy kiss... till then, you wanna just spend some time together? :)

You Go Girl!

2009-05-06T08:18:00.015-05:00

So nearly 5 days a week I drone on and on about what a loser I am. Truth is... it's easy material, I can always come up with it :) (Don't comment mom... I know you like me, it's your job :) I always wanted to do great things... I wanted to sing in front of 10,000 people... and I guess in my lifetime I have. I wanted to tell the world that God is real and He really does know and love each child in His creation... I have been on several mission trips... so... check. I always wanted to write a book... I can settle for a blog I guess. Life never turns out quite like we thought it would and we are never as good or bad as we think we are so when I look at my life, I have to look at not what I didn't do, but what I did. I've not had a lot of what would be considered great successes... unless you want to scroll down a bit and look to the left... at those pictures.

Paul loves this quote, "Motherhood: the days are long and the years are short." I love how now-a-days when you say you are a mom... people are quick to jump in and say "That is a very important job." They want to make up for the fact that mom's didn't get much credit for many years. But those well meaning, if not slightly condescending supportive remarks, always make me smile. See, you don't have to tell a mom that her job is important. She knows what would happen to an entire family if she were to disappear. In most cases... total meltdown. There is a balance, having a mom and a dad, that seems apparent.

I have two older and two younger. My oldest is in her 4th year of college (so yes, I'm prehistoric.) She has a heart for children like none you've ever seen. She wants to be a school teacher... right after she changes the world :) My son is graduating H.S. this year. He may want to be a psychologist... or a Supreme Court Judge... he's not sure, but he's incredibly smart and funny and (when he's home) helpful. My third has the heart of Christ and I couldn't love him more if I tried... he wants to be an inventor. He is very smart and he gives that credit to his dad (nice!) And my 4th exudes all things feminine. The word "orphan" never belonged in her bio for she is a princess to the Nth degree... even if it will be my downfall. She will one day rule the world.

So with Mother's Day approaching... I will not say all the platitudes about what an important job you're doing... for to those remarks, I have but one reply... DUH! I've always said that being a mom is to create society. Yeah... kinda important. Instead I will give you a Bible verse... (once again without the address for my Bible is upstairs and I don't want to leave my warm blanket :) "Do not grow weary in well doing." Never surrender, don't give up, don't give in... just keep giving... you're the center of their universe right now... you will be replaced someday and that's as it should be. Just keep covering them in prayer and remember these most important words that will get you through the tough times. 'It's just a season.' They wont always be who they are now... but they will be who you are making them. All in... all in.

"The Pit of Dispair!"

2009-05-05T09:55:00.018-05:00

To quote the "Impressive Clergyman" from The Princess Bride, today I am going to write about "Mayowidge." I have had so many people ask me about my marriage lately... could it be because I spend an odd amount of time on Facebook (and by odd I mean all my time.) I don't have many secrets. Paul used to be private... then he married me and realized it was a luxury he would no longer enjoy... he's a lot more open now too and I think he kind of likes that.

Paul and I met in high school (shout out to our friends!) We were best friends for 2 years before we decided to date. As a matter of fact, I used to set him up with my friends. He assures me he has wiped all memory of that from his data banks :) It was hard to make the shift from friend to love interest. I have always been a little emotionally stunted so he had his work cut out for him. He says he fell in love with me the first time he heard me sing... so Little Mermaid like, aw! I would date a guy and immediately break up with him. As a matter of fact, I never had a boy break up with me first. I once dumped a guy right before a dance... he was very mad... but he freaked me out. He was paying too much attention to me. Ick! My friends told me he punched a dent in the bathroom door... Really? How Valley Girl like. Hmmm... I kinda liked him again for a second... but no!!! Never go backwards.

Paul and I will be married 23 years this month. Some days it feels like 43! Ha! We were 18 and 17 when we tied the knot. I'm always afraid people will think I got pregnant, but no, nothing like that. I especially don't want people thinking that's why we got married. We strove to keep it as PG as possible which isn't easy at that age, especially when you are ready to spend your life with someone. They say divorce is just as bad or even more prevalent in the church then it is in the secular world... wow. We had a friend once who sat next to an Satanist on an airplane. When he realized our friend was a Christian he said, "Do you want to know the #1 thing we're praying for? We're praying that Christian marriages will break up." I believe it. Do you want some good marital advise? Then go to Dr. Phil. I personally, think marriage is harder now then it ever has been. You wanna hear the inspiring advise I tell myself in times like this? You might want to get a pen and jot this down. Ready? "Muddle through." Did you get a chill? Touching... powerful... lovely words... muddle through.

I'll tell you why I say that. Everyone goes through hard times in their marriage. It's a given. If someone says their marriage is always awesome... I submit these words to them, "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" Even when you are going through the lowest times... one good moment will pop up and when it does you have to hold it with both hands. I have always told our kids to marry their best friend... that way even when you don't feel the love, you'll always want your best friend close by. Paul and I are lucky to have that bond. The Bible says a 3 fold cord (a braid) is not easily broken... God, Paul, me. We can feel Him holding things together even when we are struggling. Just like life, there are many hills and valleys... like that roller coaster scene from Parenthood. When your in a valley... just get through it! If divorce is an option... then you will not see that hill top again. You will not come out stronger then you were before you went in. Do what you gotta do to keep on going and if all you can do is muddle... then muddle through. The hilltops in sight don't give up. And when you see me... throw a little encouragement my way too. :)

Visa doesn't know the meaning of the Word.

2009-05-04T08:14:00.008-05:00

How good it is to be in God's word. I remember a time when I literally would not let one day go by without reading from it. I get this picture in my mind of what we look like on the inside. Like, how if you cut a tree open, you can see that time has created many rings in the wood. Only I feel more like a rock... that kind that's made up of layer after layer of sheets. Like God's Word has laid layer after layer of substance in me that has made me stronger. (Which is really helpful when I'm feeling especially weak.)

Even now... I hear the dog whining by the door outside. She is used to routine and I always give her a bowl of food when the kids leave. (Ok, I got up and fed her!) But I wanted to do things on my time today... then somewhere within me I hear a still small voice. It's that verse in the Bible that talks about a righteous man feeding his animals. And when I look around at a dozen different messes made by child # 4 (and Paul) and I remember the verse that a woman should stay busy in her home. And my new desire, to conquer a part of my flesh that is strong... I hear my stomach growl and I deny it, because of the verse that says, like an athlete we should beat our bodies into submission... food for the stomach and the stomach for food... not food because I have an emotional need. Layer after layer after layer of righteousness inside of me... none of it my own. In truth I have none on my own. As a matter of fact on my worst day... I am down right vile.

Isn't it interesting how God, Jesus, the Spirit and the Word are all intertwined? They are all working together to make me into... a beautiful package... one that I am encompassed in. I am the sad and pathetic gift that Jesus will someday present to the Father. He made me, He grew me, and He saved me so He could present (look at both meanings of that word) me to his Dad. Like how a child makes a sad and droopy gift for his Dad on Fathers day... and the Dad sees it as the most beautiful thing ever created... something He will treasure forever... Jesus presents me. Only somehow, like a butterfly, I go through some kind of metamorphose. When He places me in the Father's hand, I am no longer pathetic... I am lovely, I am righteous, I am desirable, I am priceless!!! A home made gift, becomes a store bought costly jewel because a price was paid for me that changed my worth!!!

So as those layers continue to make me who I am going to be... and as the pressures of life make me strong like a diamond... and as the refiner brings me through each fire, scraping off the dross... you will see me for who I really am. I want to see you there too. I want to see you the way God sees you... priceless!

Kisses from Katie!

2009-05-01T08:11:00.004-05:00

There are just some people who stand out. Sure you've got your actors, your models, your singers and the like... but those people stand out because they want to stand out. They have gone to great lengths to be known. I know some people who shine on a whole different stage.

A few months ago a young girl came to our church to speak. I think her name is Katie Davis. At the age of 19, when most kids are going off to college, she felt called to Africa. I don't know how she got there (who helped her set up), but she has adopted 13 kids there, and feeds and cares for 300 a day. I can barely fight back the tears as I think of her. She is awesome! The truth is, I want my son to marry her and move there and help her be the hands and feet of God, but I haven't figured out how to have them meet :) If you want to leave my blog and go look at hers, you would be better off for it. As a matter of fact, if you have one dime in your pocket, send it to this woman for she will doing nothing but beauty with it. http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

I also think of Melody Green. For anyone who doesn't know her husband, he was an incredible musician. His music reaches a whole new generation of people who are seeking God. http://www.myspace.com/keithgreen (Again, feel free to leave this blog and listen to one of Keith's songs.) So, Melody is on my friends list. She added me cuz we tight like that... or more so that she adds everyone. But her posts are constantly about her God. Keith and two of her kids, died in a plane accident in the early 80's (No Compromise, by M. Green greatest book ever) and I wondered, without her husbands incredible passion for God, how she stays as focused as she always is. It just occurred to me this morning... she's got Heaven on her mind all the time. With half of her family there... Heaven is more than just a wished for place... it's where her heart lies.

I've known many people who stand out like these two. They are shiny. It's truly the holiness of God. The funny thing is, they are completely down to earth... they don't fold their hands when they walk, or have a blank stare when you talk to them... they are down here in the mud (Katie literally) living with the rest of us. Their time is spent more wisely, their focus is more concentrated leaving their hearts more on fire, but when you get close to God... when you stretch out your hand, these changes take place naturally.

There were times in my life I was less selfish. Times when I served my God with great exuberance... times when He was the first thought on my mind in the morning and the last at night... if you are a follower, you know what I mean. But we always think 'We will get back to that.' The funny thing is... God doesn't want us to go back... He wants us to go forward. If you broke your legs, would you begin rehab by crawling like a baby? No, you would take new steps, testing out your legs again walking on them as they grew stronger. Every season brings new growth... if Jesus is your Lord, you cannot avoid it for long. I think this verse sums it up best, "He Who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it." Thank GOD, I am not always going to be the me I am right now. Heaven is where my heart lies.

The Chief among Sinners.

2009-04-30T07:49:00.008-05:00

I just have to tell you about this friend I Scrabble with. You can tell he is very in love with his wife and kids by the little comments he says about them. So... nice guy, right? And for some reason 90% of what he says makes me laugh so hard that no sound actually comes out of me... my shoulders just shake and tears come out of my eyes! He destroyed me again in a game last night. I keep telling people I used to be really good and I was! I was I tell ya! I had a score in the upper 1400's which is respectable... but I started playing people who's score were all in the 1500's through the high 1700's!!! I don't like those people! All that to say, my Scrabble confidence is waning.

So me and this fella were talking after a game last night... somehow a bunny trail about smiley faces got us to the homosexual issue... HA!!! I have a biblical view on that issue, which includes loving the sinner and hating the sin, and that I am just a sinner too. We discussed a few things and he shared that he was an Atheist. He couldn't have been more generous and is always kind and encouraging. He said I could have the last word and I only came up with UM. He said to do better so I said, "Good night man who will believe." So say a prayer for my buddy so I don't come up a liar :)

Scrabble doesn't have a way to have a rematch with someone without adding them to your friends list, so I add a lot of strangers... (skeery.) I always check out all their info as soon as I add them. The funny thing is, so many say "Christian" or whatever under religion, but if you scan down a bit, they have also joined the "Drug and sexual addicts who like to kill cats for the 4th of July" club. For so many, it's just a title. I have known many Christians who don't seem happy at all compared to my Atheist friend. And I have met Atheist's who look like they would give their left arm for a sliver of hope! The only reason I share this story is just that people are so interesting!

I have made this point several times in my blog... "WE ARE ALL THE SAME!" My homosexual friends, my Atheist friends, my African friends, my Christian friends... the common thread is we are all born with a sinful nature and only One thing can save us from the consequences of that sin. A Christian comedian used to say, going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more then going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. I think when we Christians start getting to know people for who they are, and loving them on the same level we want to be loved on, people will start falling in love with Jesus. We always feel we have to appear perfect so as to represent Him well... but appearing perfect isn't the goal... being perfect is. What is perfection? Look at Jesus. It's to love the lost! It's for us to admit the only reason we're saved is that we needed a Savior.

I used to be a lot more uptight cause I thought that's what I was supposed to be. But I have learned to keep it real (as they teach in our church strongtowerbiblechurch.com). I'm seeing that God is bringing people to me... even though He knows my failings, of which there are too many to count... He still brings em. I guess what I do when they get there is up to me. I wanna do what Jesus did. I wanna love em. What about you?

Having everything and nothing at all.

2009-04-29T12:30:00.007-05:00

I have watched a documentary on PBS (sad to say) maybe 3 times now... I can't help it. I get sucked in every time. It's the true story of Richard Proenneke. He left society and moved to the Twin Lakes in Alaska. One Man's Wilderness is the name if you ever want to see it. The interesting thing is, he used a movie camera (this could have been 4 decades ago now, not sure...) and filmed himself doing everything. It's the voice of the narrator that draws me in and what Richard does that keeps me there. He shows himself building his own cabin and an underground refrigerator to keep the meat he hunts cool and safe from beasts. My favorite thing he does (don't ask me why) is when he makes his own wooden spoon to ladle pancake batter with. He was just a wiry old dude, but you sit in awe of his gifts and strength.

One thing runs through my mind the whole time the shows on. What happened? How did he end up separate from all humanity... from his family... friends... all alone. I mean a lot of people love nature. When I was a kid, my dad used to take me fishing and it is hands down, one of my favorite memories. He loved that I loved what he loved. We had found common ground. He was kind enough to put the worm on the hook for me... ha! And the best time, was when we were all done and he was cleaning up. I dipped my hook down in the water, no bait, and he looked at me and said, "You'll never catch anything like that!" As if God Himself were on my side, a tiny fish came up out of the water, dangling from my hook. We laughed... together. Good times.

But this man Richard, would have none of that. He would experience highs and lows... alone. What happened?! He was through crying, laughing, dancing, making love and touching any other human being. All alone. That breaks my heart. But sometimes... I get it. It's a messy thing, getting involved with people. I can't tell you how many times I've imagined the same scenario: A cabin in the mountains. A gun for safety. A garden for food. A little canoe. Books to read. Prayers and the Bible. Just hiding where no one can hurt you. Where your life is your own and feel owned by nothing. But the trade off... the trade off.

So I keep coming back... I hope you do too. It is the story of mankind... to love, hurt and to be hurt, to forgive and forget... seems like the later is the hardest part. I cannot not look at any ones motives. Only God can judge a heart. I must accept what people say at face value and not search for deeper truths. So take me as I am, friend. I will do my best to do the same, lest we all find a nook in the world and hide in it.

Dream about it every night and day, spread my wings and then I fly away....

2009-04-28T07:44:00.008-05:00

I went to a women's retreat last weekend. I didn't want to go... I am becoming a little more Hughes'ish than one should be. It's funny how God steers you into those things... kinda like that shepherd with his hook and that little lamb. I simply approached Paul who was standing by some friends and didn't even realize that I was standing next to the sign up table. Shoot! My sweet friends were like, "Beth, you gotta come, have you signed up yet?" I didn't stand a chance against the two of them. I got so nervous realizing I had run out of excuses that I didn't notice (till I looked crazy) that I was playing with my hair like that freaky woman who has to "one up" everyone on SNL.

When Paul and I first got married, he would come home at night and he would open the front door, only to see me suspended on the door by my fingernails... I wanted out! I wonder how it is that we go through such changes in this life... the pendulum swings so far one way then the other. I am always sharing with Paul the funny stories and interactions I have had on Facebook that day... he teases me and says, "You know it's not real." "But it is," I argue. It's sort of like souls without bodies... kinda like Heaven if you think about it (only with cursing, anger, rudeness, quizzes and the like.) Of course we're supposed to have new bodies there... yet we're spirit... all I know is the only scale there will be the scale of justice and that will be thrown out when Jesus enters the room! There's a great book about Heaven and what it will be like... it's entitled "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. In the first three chapters he defends what he believes, mostly for all the biblical scholars, so it's a bit dry, but if you can get past that... it's a lot of good stuff to ponder for sure!

People picture Heaven as a boring, cloudy, floaty kinda place, but it's not... it's gonna be a solid, beautiful place. Earth redone many say. Surfing without the sharks, skydiving without the parachutes... (or the ker-splat), climbing Mt. Everest without the lack of oxygen and the life threatening temperatures. But besides the earthly ideals... God will be there. That loving, fatherly Creator Who has been so in love with you since before you were born that He was willing to suffer incredible pain and loss in order to hold you close to Him. I have never wanted anything more than I want this... to be with Him in that place. To feel beautiful and loved when He looks at me and not embarrassed or ashamed of my humanness.

At this women's conference they reminded me that I am not my own. I was bought with a price. People bought a century ago were bought as slaves... to be used and abused. People bought now are purchased as sex slaves, to be used and abused. Again, His is a Kingdom upside down... I was bought and marked. To use Christianese, I was saved... but not just saved from Hell... saved from death. I was saved for something... I was reserved for a better place! My position is saved for me. I have things to do when I get there. The things I was created for... I will not seclude in that place! I will not hide! I will laugh and dance, and sing and run and I'm pretty sure... I'm even gonna fly.

Mr Darcy, I presume.

2009-04-24T11:12:00.024-05:00

My husband has mentioned many times the fact that his grandmother lived in a world that spanned the horse drawn buggy to a man walking on the moon. It changed more for her generation than any other, no doubt! I loved her generation, it was great and momentous and that fact has now been well documented... but out of sheer pleasure, I have to say, I loved the generation before hers too. I get the NPR feed on my home page and apparently today is "Talk like Shakespeare Day." Oddly enough, a Scrabble friend just told me that too! I do love a great tale of romance... and I love me a good Jane Austin story the most! (I'm sure that is how she would have phrased it.) Oh how she knew the heart of a woman! I love the flair that's sent around stating the fact that "Mr. Darcy has ruined me for all other men." Mr. Darcy... mmm... just give me a minute. Yes, I'm ok. The gentile ways are no more and in most ways we are the worse for it.

I was thinking earlier how my kids wont ever know the joy of playing pretend on an unplugged rotary phone for hours. No, they have squawking, beeping, flashing cell phones with princesses and cars all over them. They will have to try very hard to remember homemade fried chicken and ice cream. Home made ice cream... mmm... just give me a minute. Yes, I'm ok. And oddly enough, they will never know a world where grown ups (entertainers) don't know it's wrong to touch themselves in public. How bizarre! And I'm so happy to say, my youngest wont ever remember a nation where a person of color hasn't been elected president! Huzzah! Of course, as much as the world has changed... it stays the same. People have always had, since the beginning of time, the fierce desire to protect what is theirs. Whether that's their country or their family... maybe their belongings... point is, people fight for what they love.

I know there is a spiritual realm. The Bible says there is a battle on for my soul. Me? Are you sure? Every good story, from a Jane Austin novel to Star Wars, came from this original story. Good verses evil. Love verses hate. God verses Satan... and like every great story, a main point that has to be established in order to give the reader deeper understanding is... motive. Why is there a battle for my soul? Because out of the two competitors, one wants to destroy me out of hate for his enemy. He knows that the greater Warrior loves me... the Greater cares about my destiny... The Greater is quiet... He has a still small voice. He doesn't need to scream or shout or force His will on me. He simply, powerfully, quietly, gently loves me... He loves you too. Turn your head oh wayward daughter... oh wayward son... see your Hero... see your King! He's coming soon... coming for you. Have you heard? He is the lover of your soul?

No blocking allowed in Heaven!

2009-04-23T11:14:00.005-05:00

Relationships are a funny thing aren't they? They are like money... a necessary evil... at least that's my opinion. I am definitely one of those desert island people, I tend to isolate. But it wouldn't be long till I was craving relationships... and probably food and maybe coffee, but I digress. I am kinda mouthy though, you might have noticed. It's not that I want the attention (as every one of the facebook quizzes I've taken says I do :) it's more that I want the interaction and I will constantly put myself out there in order to draw... the good and the bad, I suppose. Do you feel like me? Like you are not just one person? Like you're an introvert and an extrovert? The prom queen and the burnout? The parent and the child? I think we all fall into those categories. We are not so one dimensional.

So because of the incredibly funny jokes I am always telling and my extremely hilarious nature, I am sometimes stepping on toes... the last thing I would ever want to do, believe me! Why? Cause that would cause rejection which in turn shuts down the interaction process... see? It makes sense in a way :) I have had 2 people drop me from their friends list (both from church... ouch!) And another person blocked me before he ever added me... now that one confounded me! Yeah... that one could have stung a lot, but I think I figured it out... had to do with some "arranged wedding" jokes I made about 3 years back. I have made those a thousand times concerning all my kids, but I think he might have thought I was gonna try and harm his relationship with his fiancee. Pffffft! Whatev, right? (At least I'm learning to take on that attitude the older I get.)

It is SOOO easy to step on others toes and to have yours stepped on in return. The Bible says not to be easily offended... easier said than done though. Forgiveness is probably the most important thing in the Christians life... following love of course, but who would offer forgiveness without love? Sometimes I feel like I have been mad at Paul for over two decades. (Fun for him, I know you're thinking :) But you know, it's all that crazy man stuff. Like, why'd he get mad at me when he left this morning when I was going out of my way to help him? and... remember 12 years ago when he didn't get me an anniversary present? and... what about 18 years ago when... Ha! Yes, the list goes on and on. How does a marriage survive without forgiveness? For that matter how does a friendship survive... or even a church which is basically a giant pot of relationships.

I am sorry, if I've ever hurt any of you. I wont go so far as to say that my motives have always been pure and my heart always righteous... but I do know that if I did hurt you, then I shouldn't have, and I hope we can be free from my mistakes. I want you to know that I am trying to forgive you too... it's not easy. I am a grudge holder. I am one of those people who just wants to laugh and cry with you and if you turn your back on that... I tend to hold on to that hurt. I'm sorry. I know that God isn't finished with me yet... and in saying that, I know that doesn't free me from the responsibility to let go of my grievances... each and every one. I think of one thing, over and over again... we cannot avoid one another in Heaven. WE WILL BE HUMBLED IN THAT PLACE. It may make the process a little easier if we start getting over ourselves now. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... lets not give up on one another. There's most likely a reason we're in each other's lives.

Destination: Busia.

2009-04-22T10:58:00.008-05:00

I said I'd tell you some more Africa stories... if you like them, I will share more. Here we go.

We traveled by plane for more hours than I can even remember to get to Kenya... I barely remember the hotel we stayed in when we arrived. It was kind of nice... had all the amenities. I think we all knew that after that morning, it would be the end of life as we knew it. We piled up into vans and hit the road for Busia, one of the poorest towns in Kenya. We were right near the Ugandan border. The "roads" were a little different from ours. I'm not sure, but I think they might have once been the ocean floor. I'm not saying there were potholes, I'm saying there were canyons in the road. "Life" took place on the sides of the road. I think they would freak out if they saw we had sidewalks here... the spoiling never ends. The drivers were quite used to the busy street life and really couldn't be bothered. At one point we saw a man dive into the weeds to spare his own life as we barreled past him. I can't count how many tires we popped as we drove along these roads at 60 mph. I can say that I know how a can of soda feels when a little kid gets a hold of it. Ten hours of that driving was incredible!

We actually saw zebras running along side the road and the greatest part about the van ride was the scenery. You always picture Africa with that one picture in your head... you know the one. A barren desert with the sun blazing down and that one African tree in the center. Instead, we saw forest with the tallest skinniest trees on earth. We saw ant hills bigger than a VW bug, and yes the joke was always, "I'd hate to see the ant that comes out of that thing!' So when we got to Busia, they showed us to our huts... we had cold water in barrels to bathe with, which they kindly supplied from a tank that captured water when it rained. I can't tell you how beautiful the people were. What a quiet, strong, contented beauty they had. Many were anxious to come to America and study, but they all looked so self assured and were so welcoming and fun!

We each had our own translators. I had a couple of kids... teens. They cracked me up... We were walking together from village to village and hut to hut. Once, as we walked through some grass higher than our heads, I heard a rustling, but couldn't see the cause. I asked one of the boys... he said, "That is... hmmm... how do you call it?" (I waited interested.) "Oh... an alligator." WHAT?! Come again!!! Could you please have some expression on your face when you say things of this nature? I looked around and no one showed the slightest interest... trying to wrap my mind around it all, I finally figured it out... they're not afraid and I think I know why. They're with a 30 y/0 white woman who hasn't spent one day in the outback, let alone running from wild animals... and she has a skirt on. "We're good." I think they thought. "We just have to outrun her." The faith of these kids was incredible. One of the boys, just 16, cast out demons by the power of God. I'm not saying he stood on a stage and put on a show... I mean a man that everyone knew was possessed, came to him swearing and screaming and this boy prayed over him and he was healed. Those kids were awesome... I didn't deserve to be sowing and reaping with them. May God grant them His hearts desire for them and not there own desires. May He keep them safe, loved, fed, healthy and productive... those are my desires for them.

It's a love thing.

2009-04-20T12:50:00.013-05:00

I am an armchair traveler... heard of that? Like the Sunday morning quarterback? I never really liked to travel... we found out later in life that I have Fibromyalgia, which is a chronic pain disease (boring!) Only to say that traveling can be a very uncomfortable thing for FM people. I travel to distant lands every week though... through PBS. We love PBS! However, I have been to a lot of neat places for someone who can't travel much. Been to Canada twice, which doesn't count really since it's just an extension of America. (KIDDING! HA!) Been to Mexico a lot... never had a bad time there. We went to China to get child # 4 and believe me, at 5'8 and 6'4, we stood a head over... everyone. I saw people actually point at Paul. Hahahaha... my awkward time was coming, but in a different country.

Paul asked me to go on a missions trip to Africa once back in '98. I was telling my friend/mentor about it before we left... and she just goes, "Oh Beth, you're not ready." When we go on car trips across America, I am so tense by the time we get home... do you know why? Public restrooms. Can't stand 'em... just the thought of them makes me queasy. So to say I wasn't ready to share a hut surrounding a hole in the ground, with an entire village is an understatement to be sure. We actually had to pee in the forest a few times. At one point as I was using the "facilities" and man walked right past me... looking right at me! How do you say, "I want to die" in Swahili? Except for the "white part" this event seemed to appear normal to him... but it was new to me.

I kissed a little boy on the head when he asked Jesus into his heart. His name was Bill Clinton. He had a cough. By that night I was coughing up blood. I was SICK!!! Paul didn't really know how ill I was... he couldn't stop telling people the good news... news they hadn't heard... that God in Heaven, the one true God, adored them and wanted them to be a part of His family. So as he walked the streets alone, the other missionaries in bed, I was in a cement hut. The bed I lay in was used for prostitutes normally. I had already been awake the whole night before sick with some sort of stomach virus. We pressed on. What else could we do.

There are so many stories from Africa that I like to share, cause they are powerful. So many! I think I will share some later... but the one that always sticks out for me the most is more a picture than anything else. It's the eyes of our translator. He knew how ill I was. My cough was hard to keep secret... I was dragging for sure. They dropped us off in a village somewhere and as he began to drive away, he looked at me... only at me... and he said these two words, "Win souls." His eyes were filled with seriousness and sadness for his beloved people.

I know people talk about "evangelical Christians" a lot. I've never claimed to be anything, but a Christian... that's the only word that matters to me... everything else is just a box someone puts you in. But there was a reason that people started telling the story in the first place. It wasn't because Jerry Fallwell said to do it... it wasn't because we became guilted into speaking out to an angry world. It was because Someone loved His beloved so much... that He sent His only Son to save them. When did that message become something to be ashamed of? He asked us first... before anyone else... to "Win souls." It was a love thing... it still is.

No joke!

2009-04-17T07:45:00.009-05:00

So much talk of Scrabble, I know... you may be tired of it, but it's what I do. I told you that with my illness it has been the only way I've had contact with the world. It's hossum (as my son's friends would say.) I have met a lot of Christians, a whole lot of Canadians and a lot of folks that I would consider friends. Maybe we're all a bunch of freaks and geeks, but we're a mish-mash of society and it's been interesting to say the least.

If you play long enough, you will get pretty good. You will learn the tricks of what goes where and what you should never do. If you are fortunate enough, you will play people who are better than you and they will school you. You will have many losses, but learn new tactics. You are always bettering your game and I think that's why we all like it so much. There are some drawbacks to throwing yourself into a pot of society though. I have heard more double entendres playing Scrabble than I have heard in a lifetime. I don't know what's wrong with college boys, but it terrifies me for my daughter... they have but one thing on their minds and they are driven to make that point. I have deleted many a game because of it, but I have also made friends in spite of it.

Often sounding like their dialogue was taken from one of the T-Birds on Grease, they press on as I change the subject or gloss over a comment. How many times I have said, "I have a daughter your age" or "I am a member of the AARP" I don't know, but I guess they have to meet their quota's. There was one boy who I genuinely cared about. Don't know why... something about him seemed sad... like he needed a mom. I don't know his whole story, but he had a baby out of wedlock and we had gotten to the point where he realized he needed a new script with me. So I got to know him... a little I s'pose.

One day, I was reading my friends list status's. I never really do that, but I was bored. I came upon his and it was a shockingly bad joke... about Jesus. My mind raced... I hated having that on my page, where anyone could read it. I came to a quick decision and deleted him as a friend. It may have been the wrong choice... I don't know, but it just seemed that my love and loyalty to Jesus was questioned in that moment. I sent him a note and simply said, "I don't think you know how much I love Jesus." He said he thought He was a great man, but that he didn't really die on the cross... that those stories were make believe. I told him that He was my god... that I doubted he would have made a joke about Muhammad or Buddha for fear of offending, but that Jesus was always an open target.

I've lost a few Scrabble friends... it's always sad, but I do hope taking a stand for the Man Who died for me, was the right choice. Maybe this kid will come back and apologize. Maybe God will use what happened to speak to him that He is real... that the Bible and the stories he's heard have survived for thousands of years because they're true. Last night, when I went to bed, I read in Matthew that familiar verse, "If the salt, loses its saltiness, what is it good for?" Such a fine line between not expecting others to know what you know and experience what you've experienced, and recognizing when someone has willingly made themselves an enemy of God... please pray with me that like a lamb who's been lost and alone, this kid will find his way into the arms of the Shepherd Who loves him.

Hold my hand... I'll make sure to let it go.

2009-04-16T12:13:00.007-05:00

I have been on facebook for a year and a half and I realized something... it's like community on steroids. I have learned so much about myself, others, communication, socialization... the list goes on and on. I learned something new about myself, that many of you may be slapping yourself on the head (V-8 style) as I am just figuring it out... I think I allow my happiness to depend on others. Ack! Big revelation to me. On the days where I get lots of messages, inbox mails and interaction on Scrabble, I am happy!!! On the days where things are more subdued, I am sad. Pretty simple, kinda lame. I learned that I am looking for something... to deep to dwell on yet... but it's something I'm lacking. I think I have tried to feed my flesh for years... mostly by trying to feed my flesh... but I desperately want something... grrr... to be 20 years older and not age yet. Isn't it great to look back? I mean, not always, but still... how great to gain understanding.

When I was in the 6th grade, I was very popular... have no clue how it happened... but everyone was following me and listening to me... strange. I guess I decided I would use my powers for good cause there were 3 students, girls, who came to our school, don't know why or how, but there they were. One was from a Latin country, two were from Vietnam. I tried to speak what little Spanish I could muster to my Latin friend Ana. Mainly I repeated the word "recro", if I remember correctly, so that she knew she was welcome to play with us. I might have tried using the word "recro" on the girls from Vietnam too, maybe I thought it couldn't hurt.

I made this 6th grade class the kind of Utopia I always felt the world should be. All accepting, all inclusive... ALL. Then I got sick... really sick. For two weeks. They did tests of all kinds... they didn't really figure it out. When I got back, the troops rebelled. They did not want Utopia, they wanted cliques. I became despised among girls. I will never forget asking the new ring leader what I did wrong so that I could apologize. She told me to go to Hell. I was shocked... no one had ever said that to me... in fact quite the opposite. That year was not much fun. I lost my best friend of many years and it hurt deeply.

So fast forward... I am still learning you can't fix all problems. You can't make everyone like you. Even though Christians are supposed to be like-minded, we're often not. We are empty vessels wanting to be filled with something... anything to make that hurt and void go away. The funny thing is, I know that if I throw myself into God's arms, the way I have in the past... the hurt and the emptiness begin to dissipate. But I keep throwing myself into quick fixes. They never, ever satisfy. Again, lucky am I that I haven't tried drugs.

I wonder if you are hiding today... or hiding something. I wonder what you lack that you so desperately need. Maybe that's why the Bible says to continue fellowshipping as the end draws near and not to give that up as many have... because we need to encourage one another not to self medicate. Again, how important to live openly with one another. I had a friend share something with me, that she had kept quiet. The funny thing was, God had shown me already, clear as day... but I think it blessed her to say it out loud. In turn, I shared with her my failings and I knew that was good for me too. Like Popeye, I am what I am, but I'm not what I was and I'm not what I will be. I hope I don't rely on all of you for my happiness in the the future, but I do hope we will still spur one another on in love. Maybe that's why we have chosen the narrow road... it brings us closer together :)

To be... or not to be (good.)

2009-04-15T09:15:00.005-05:00

I play Scrabble with a lot of strangers... some stranger than others :) But there was a man recently who knew I was a Christian from the things posted on my Facebook page. He wanted to know if non-catholic Christians observed Lent. I told him some do, but it's not imposed... thinking better of my answer I told him nothing was actually imposed. I shared the verse about all things being permissible, but not beneficial.

It's funny how restrictive many think Christianity is. "Don't drink, smoke or chew or hang out with those who do." Who came up with that? It's no wonder the world sees Christianity as a list of do's and dont's and not as a relationship between a man and his Creator.

I was raised in a Christian home. I wasn't perfect... at all... no where near. But I lived on one side of the fence more than the other. People at church usually thought I was a pretty good girl with a positive example... most the time that was true. I went strait from being 17 to a married woman on May 16th, 1986. Almost 23 years now. 40 years of trying to be good. Wow... that's a long time. I remember in my 20's thinking I would try drinking, as other Christians I knew did. That was not a good idea for someone with an addictive personality. All I can say is it's a good thing I never tried street drugs... I'd be in jail or dead by now.

According to the Bible, I can do whatever I want... but each choice will set me on a path. A path of my choosing, really. Wide is the path that leads to death, narrow is the path that leads to life... hmmmm. It seems so simple that even a child could understand. What is it about that wide path that draws us so much? And if I am always choosing the wide path... was I ever really on the narrow path at all? So much to work out with fear and trembling.

I love that I have been learning... growing in understanding really, about the difference between trying to be good, and loving someone so much that I would never seek after anything that would hurt my relationship with them. I recently read a quote by CS Lewis that said, "Love is not an affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." That is perfect for marriage, but it also speaks of our love for God. We know that sin separates, but do we care? I mean how deep does this love go on my end? I know it went to the cross on His.

God, as you mature me... help me not pursue any righteousness separate from you. Help me not to waver, but to grow in my love and understanding of who You are. Help me be... help me... help.

To the bat cave! Wait... maybe not.

2009-04-14T07:47:00.009-05:00

I am always so surprised when people tell me they have read this blog. I guess it's because I myself, do not like blogs. I have to really force myself to read them. I think it's because I want to interact with the author and instead I feel more like a sounding board. Hmmmm... hope you don't feel that way, but I love when you leave notes so that we can interact. :) Some have told me they like this blog and I wonder if it's because I sometimes reveal my garbage and it makes them feel better about themselves. Ha!!!

I think we all do a lot of hiding. Remember when Adam and Eve were in the garden and when they realized God knew their sin, they tried to hide from Him... in a cave or something. Ha! Seems so silly... like you could hide from God. But they knew Him differently than we do. We have that perspective of a giant God Who knows all things and is everywhere at one time... all powerful. They actually walked with Him. That makes me stop and catch my breath... they walked with Him. Awesome. I can't imagine the loss they felt when they had to give that up. I can't believe I give that up for other things myself. Foolishness.

Do you hide things from God? I don't really. I guess I am aware that He is aware of my darkest heart and there is no cave I can run to where He can't find me. I do notice that we Christians tend to hide things from each other, and the world. I don't know why... we're all the same. Not one without sin... no not one. I get why the secular world can dislike us so. We end up putting a "better than you" kinda vibe out there although most of us never intended to. We just try so hard to be like Jesus, Who was perfect, and somewhere along the way, we forgot we're not capable in our flesh. There is a definite benefit to steering clear of worldly things and seeking after the things of God, but at no point, on this side of eternity, does our humanity enable us to overcome our humanity (or our flesh, as we Christians call it.)

I want to live honestly. So I will start by telling you, I want to hide some things about myself that aren't nice. It's like my facebook pictures. I'm only putting the ones up that shed me in the best light possible... I'm not putting up the wrinkles, double chin, no make-up pictures or anything so vile! :) It's all in the presentation isn't it? Well that may be ok for facebook, but I can't live my life that way. Even if someone were to fall in love with Christ by seeing my example, the best hope I could offer them was to be another me. Ick! Who needs that?! We have to live real in front of each other and the world. Tell people you have an anger, an unfaithfulness, a drug, a drinking problem... it could bite you in the butt, yes... but it was doing that anyway. God isn't done with you yet. That's what He does!!! He heals!!! He rescues us from ourselves! You don't ask Him to be your Lord and then suddenly become perfect. He is a perfecter... He does this job over time.

So yeah, you look great on Sunday morning... you really do. But what's in that heart? Is it empty? Are you dying inside? Are you lonely, hurting, tired, broke and undone? Maybe you forgot playing dress up doesn't make you a Princess. Take off that tiara... find someone you trust (they may let you down... deal with it) but start getting real with that heart. You can't hide it from God and shouldn't hide it from the rest of the world... you know why? Cause they need to know that they're not alone.

Wipe that "L" off my forehead, please. I'm the one who put it there.

2009-04-13T07:45:00.005-05:00

When I was in Jr. High I wanted to take acting classes in Tucson, AZ. They were very expensive, but I still held out some hope. I bugged my mom about it and she said my dad said "No." Now, I don't know if this really came from my dad or if my mom told my dad this and he agreed, but she said my father didn't want me to get into acting because I had a hard time with rejection. Hmmm. I didn't even know that about myself. I was like, "I do?"

Now as I have gotten older, I am pretty firm in my understanding that I have a big (strike that), a huge (not big enough), a massive problem with rejection. As a matter of fact, if I am trying to resolve a problem with a friend and they are not quick to deal with it, everything escalates in my mind to the point that if I don't cut things off, I will go crazy coco-puffs. I have actually ended friendships, not because I don't love the other person, but because the rejection hurts so deeply I can't function until I have closure. I guess my Dad had a valid point.

Have you noticed that everything on Earth is a copy. Coffee is a substitute for energy... and a good nights sleep. Porn and sleeping around is a copy of the gift of a loving relationship and intimacy given by God for marriage. Revering movie stars, music stars and basically anything on a stage is a replacement for worshiping and adoring our loving Creator. I think that's what Satan has twisted inside of many of us... I know I'm not the only Earthling with this rejection issue. I think that basic desire within us was put there to desire being accepted by Christ... being welcomed in to Heaven when we see Him for the first time. I think that's why people like me struggle with our salvation. I know that my salvation was paid for. I know I can't earn it, even though at times I have tried. I know it is a free gift and I have accepted that gift... and still, at times those thoughts enter in... being sent away from God for eternity is the ultimate rejection. I have loved Him my whole life... I just want to be with Him forever and to be sent away is a thought I cannot even contemplate.

These things are my issues, I know you have your own, and God is working them out of us. But the overwhelming sad thing is... some will be rejected. (Oh the agony of that thought!) Not because they weren't good people, or because they weren't special to God... but because when He offered them a chance to get to know Him, to receive this gift that would save them from eternal death... they rejected Him... an irony that holds no humor. Oh God, I pray today, if anyone at all reads this, and doesn't know how much You love them, that You will reveal Yourself to them now. Let them feel the chains that have bound them to sin, drop away... free them and accept them as Your own.

Flipped out.

2009-04-09T08:23:00.009-05:00

My husband is truly the most patient man on earth... he'd have to be to put up with me. He's like a geyser though... he stays calm a long time, but if you push him when he's at his limit... he will snap. Stand back. When those dogs (mentioned in my last post) were getting out everyday, he reached his limit and... well he snapped. He went outside and picked up each dog (which always makes us laugh, cause he is so big that he makes the dogs look tiny) and stuck them in the tree house. At the time, I wasn't laughing... I wanted my husband to come back to reality and see that this was not a long term solution. Now it kind of cracks me up every time I think about it. So yes, my husband is a lil crazy, but now that I've revealed a glimpse into his "dark side" allow me to tell you what I admire about him.

We got married right out of high school. It wasn't a shotgun wedding or anything like that. We just truly loved each other and wanted to grow old together. At the time, it seemed like the battle we might have to wage in order to get married so young, was too big to face so we eloped. Now, I think Paul is kind of a genius... a mad genius, but very smart and that is attractive to me. I call him my own personal Google, but I seemed to have received all of the communication skills of which he seemed to have received none. Many times, I felt superior as I would leave him in the dust in some silly argument. However, as I mature, I realize more and more that it is he and not I, who is wiser. It's like that old song about living in a Kingdom upside down... meaning, in the world, the Kings are served and the surfs are the servants. However, in God's Kindgom, you see the dichotomy from the worlds perspective. He came to serve us, He gave His innocent life to pay for our sin riddled souls. These are the things I have learned from Paul. These traits are quite different from what Hollywood would choose for their hero.

Find the good in everyone and give them the benefit of the doubt.
There are very few battles worth fighting for, but fight the ones you must.
Don't hold grudges... let things go like water off a ducks back.
Respect others and don't worry about their opinion of you. Just do your best.
Try new things.
Be faithful, in everything.
Don't grumble or complain.
Always be bettering yourself.

There are a hundreds things I have learned from him, but his kindness always sticks out the most. When I told Paul I felt that God was leading us to adopt, he seemed to pray about it less than a week, and he agreed. Not many husbands are anxious to take on more kids, but to him, it was a natural decision. I have seem him stand on the corner, week after week, telling young women that he and his wife would adopt their child if they only wouldn't abort it. For 23 years I have seen him care for the less fortunate, with a willingness to give until it hurt. As I grow... me and my rapier wit, and my quick tongue, have learned who the one with all the savvy really is. Paul's living that kingdom, upside down. No, Hollywood would not choose him as their leading man... he's a led man. It can be dizzying at first, it's been hard to get my bearings standing on my head. But once you flip your perspective, you start to see things, the way they were intended to be. Maybe someday I will be crazy too... but this time, for the right reasons. :)

Hope to cope.

2009-04-06T07:53:00.008-05:00

Does anyone remember Pinky and the Brain? It was a cartoon in the late 90's. It was about an evil-genius mouse who was tiny in size, but whose head was freakishly large. He sounded like James Mason... he was Brain. He had an assistant mouse... tall, skinny, cockney accent, hugely lacking in intellect... he was Pinky. Every episode ended with the duo failing in there evil scheme to blow something up or what have you. And they would repeat the same mantra every time.

Pinky: What are we going to do tomorrow night, Brain?
Brain: Same thing we do every night Pinky, try to destroy the world!

We have two dogs. Charlie is half basset, half beagle. We "adopted" him from Happy Tails. This dog is Brain. We took Baby, our chocolate lab, (black in color) from some friends who were trying to find homes for around 13 of them. Baby has cost us $14,ooo worth of damage at least. This dog is Pinky. When they are free in the back yard together, Brain somehow incites Pinky to chew through the fence, then they run around the neighborhood destroying things. Luckily, only one neighbor has complained. She frightens me. We tried EVERYTHING to keep them in, including Paul spending two days in the pouring rain putting some kind of chicken wire around the bottom of the fence, but they would find a way through that too.

One day I came home after some heavy duty sinus surgery. I wasn't even supposed to be driving. Getting home alive, without throwing up was a feat, to say the least. I just wanted to lay down before I collapsed. When I pulled into the driveway, I could see the stuffing pulled out of the neighbors patio cushions and spread ALL over their yard. I had to clean it up of course. I repeatedly bent over causing the blood to flow out of my nose into my bandage and as I finished, another neighbor (scary lady, not the people who owned the cushions) came out and started yelling at me. I told her I was so sorry, that we would pay for the damage, that we were doing everything possible to keep them in. Nothing I said appeased her. She was very upset. The fact that my eyes were rolling back in my head and blood was pouring out of my face didn't seem to concern her much at all.

It was just one of those months. Everyone needed money, bill collectors... everyone. We didn't have any. Paul and I hadn't really had a chance to speak... (for 20 years... kids n' stuff.) After my sinus surgery, Lily had surgery on her ears. Anything that could go wrong did. It was overwhelming. Wow... just one of those months.

I tell you all that 'cause we have about 12 of those months, every year, for well over 20 years. There is an old song called, "Life is hard, but God is good." I really don't know how people survive without the Lord. If I didn't have God to bring my worries, fears, doubts, hurts, failures, and sins to... where would I go? Would I hold it all inside? Hire a professional to listen to me talk? What if I had a really close friend, or a spouse who helped me deal with all those things... would they always be here for me... 24/7? Seriously, I don't know how I would survive a month like this if I couldn't tell Him I was falling apart and ask Him to step in and carry me through.

We got a zip line and put Pinky on it. She doesn't seem to mind. She likes routine. It has taken away Brain's ability to get out of the yard. We haven't solved our money issues. The IRS alone wants almost as much money from us as we made in our third year of marriage. But we are still going. I never know what the answers will be. I do know the trials will always be here. They'll come and go, some will be inflicted by self, some by others... but they'll always be here. I have no hope to cope outside of God's unfailing love. That's why we build our house on the rock and not the sand. They can take the house, but they can't shake the rock on which I stand.

Rough waters ahead.

2009-04-03T10:55:00.004-05:00

Today, I will tell you about my Dad. He passed away one week after my mom's birthday in 2000. He was 61 at the time. My dad held a strong presence in our home. He was usually more on the serious side, but enjoyed a good laugh when he deemed it appropriate. He liked a good story and liked to tell one too. He took us to church 3 times a week rain or shine. He worked long and hard. He played battleship with me when I was a kid, catch with me when I was a teen, and Othello when I was an adult.

I enjoyed hearing stories of his youth cause they didn't sound like him to me at all. Once when he was little he threw a fit while his mom was on the phone. He wouldn't stop so she put him in the closet so she could finish up. When she retrieved him, he had pulled down every stitch of clothing in that closet. Little ones always win in the end... why do we not know that? He helped his family work a farm and told me, that when he was a teenager, he would lay in the field and dream about a job where he didn't have to do manual labor. He got his wish. Forty years plus as a successful business man.

Apparently, we all carry some kind of strep around in our bodies... not a big deal. But Dad had bone cancer. He didn't even tell him mom 'cause he was told it would be 15 or 20 more years before he'd have to worry about it. It's a slow moving cancer however it left his immune system weak and on my mom's birthday she rushed him into the E.R. A week after that he went home to meet his Creator. I just can't get over the briefness of life. When we suffer, it's a slug, but when we're just living day to day... it's a cheetah.

The Bible says every man will give an account for the time he has squandered. DID YOU HEAR THAT?! (I am talking to myself now.) I must use every opportunity, no matter how small it may seem... to glorify my God. Not out of fear, or responsibility, or because there is some kind of eternal score card... but because life is a gift and I need to remember that. How many times have you wished you could give that gift back? I have wanted to give up the ship (a few times) when the waves overwhelmed me. But I'm still afloat. Do you know what that means? The storm lost. I won. If I'm still afloat and so are you, then there's a reason we're here. To live out the day to day? For some great endeavor? Or just to fall in love with Jesus... we are His bride. He is coming for us.

I don't know if I'll make it to 61. It doesn't really matter. Every man has an appointed day. I wonder if I will spend my days in rebellion, tearing down clothes in a closet... or following my dreams. My dad sure didn't stay in that field, though it would have been fine if he had. He pursued his dreams, and God blessed him. I wonder if some days, I forget to dream... if my compass is tucked away, and my ship too close to shore. I do like that feeling of security... but the kind of security we want... isn't real. Everything we put our trust in, is but a vapor. Oh God, from where my help comes from... give me goals, give me opportunity, give me strength. I will try not to ask for smooth sailing... but instead ask for peace through the storm.

In my weakness...

2009-04-01T17:58:00.009-05:00

I want to reassure those of you, who don't believe that you can be a Christian and watch the Simpson's... you can. :) We chose not to watch the Halloween specials, and we closed our eyes during the "Itchy and Scratchy" segments... but we still laughed more at that silly show than almost anything we ever did together... sounds a little pathetic when I say it out loud, but there it is.

We always joked that child #2 was like Bart and that my husband Paul, was like Homer. My husband's a gentle giant. Unlike Homer, he's never harmed a child in his life, but he does have the capacity to let others wait on him. It's my fault. I wanted to be a Proverbs 31 wife... I wanted to be like my Granny... turns out... now I only want a new husband. Hahahahaha... sorry. Just kidding. There was an episode where Homer is finally kicked out of the house by his long suffering wife Marge. She says he can't come back till he can come up with a valid answer to her question: "What do you have to offer this marriage?"

He has to live somewhere so he chooses the tree house in the back yard (as my husband would.) Within a few hours, his clothes are tattered as if he's been ship wrecked, and he has a full beard and a wild look in his eyes. Oh my! I am laughing now. By the end (spoiler alert) he runs into the house, falls to his knees and says to the love of his life, "Marge! I finally figured out what I have to offer you! Total and utter dependency!" Paul and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. That is us. He is a go getter in life, but in this home... it all falls apart if I'm not in the picture.

I didn't think I could blog today... my heart and mind are on other things... people. Christians. We can get so far off track when we turn even slightly to the left or the right... such a slippery slope. I speak from experience. When we get away from Christ, we actually convince ourselves that things are still on track... it's just a different track. I remember asking a dear friend once, who had walked away from Christ, "How do you do it? How do you turn your back, knowing what you know?" He said something so obvious and simple. He answered, "You just keep shoving God to the back of your mind till you don't think about Him anymore." Wow! Deep... and shallow all at the same time.

I can tell you that the trials I face, I would face whether saved or unsaved. The Bible says that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. All I know is that the things I've faced, I've needed Someone bigger than my trials. I needed Someone Who knew the outcome and Who could comfort me and strengthen me when my legs were too weak to stand. I needed a Rescuer who didn't just pick me up and pull me out, but Who taught me how to trust, obey and follow so that when the next trial came, I was stronger. In return, I have but one thing to offer that Hero... that Saviour... total and utter dependency.

Bathing beauties.

2009-03-31T12:44:00.013-05:00

Many of you heard the news last night that "Shiny kid" or "Kid # 3" disappeared. I remember when kid # 2 got lost in an airport, he was around 5, and as I described to the security guard what he was wearing, I started crying. The thought of milk cartons and "the last thing he was wearing" popped into my head. We found kid # 2 within 10 minutes, but it was still really scary. But last night, with kid # 3 (just trying to keep their names off of this public place), he was missing for 3.5 hours. Most kids will disappear into a friends house, or you'll see their bike around the neighborhood, but after an hour of searching... nothing. Besides, # 3's not like that, he's an indoor kid. He LOVES to read, he loves video games, he loves mom... he loves home. He's a sweet kid. I always said if there was a masculine name for Joy, I'd go back and rename him that.

So we canvassed the area... all of us. Every street, every path, every cul-de-sac. Neighbors probably thought they were all under suspicion... and some probably were. After two hours... the worry turns to those thoughts... "The Shack" kind of thoughts, if you've read that book. You start to panic... and just like in the movies, you start making deals with God. I of course made mine and by the time my husband hit the fire station over a mile away, he was asking God to take his life and let Sammy live. Quite emotional these things, when you don't know what's going to happen.

Turns out he decided to go exploring, something he'd never done, and got lost. He said these thoughts popped into his head, that if he ran away from home, he wouldn't have to do his homework. This is a kid who LOVES home. Wonder who put those thoughts in his head... Satan is trying to get our kids. If he can't do it outdoors, he'll chase 'em down indoors. Through video games, computers, friends and mind games... fear and the like. A nice lady found Sam, sat beside him in the cold, put a jacket around his shoulders and waited for the police to come. She was the hands and feet of God that day. May I be that too. "My joy" said he thought he would have to spend the night outdoors... thought he might not see us for a few days. He was actually in the next town, although he was only 2 miles or so away.

Two things stuck out to me last night. One was that when I went to bed, I thought how differently that night could have ended. If we hadn't found him, that night wouldn't have ended. It would still be going on now and maybe for years to come. Torture... horror... agony... unending pain. What others have suffered!!! The second thing I noticed was that his smell had changed. He had been sitting on the corner of a busy intersection for hours. People had been cutting their grass all around him. He smelled of fumes and gasoline. Needless to say, I didn't like that smell on him. My older child that got lost 13 years ago... #2... I wonder how, being out in the world, has changed his smell. I wonder how the scent of my daughter in college has changed. Looking back, it seems to take but the time of an inhale/exhale... and they are gone. The world gets on them... literally and figuratively. May I offer some advise? If you are going to bathe them in anything... anything at all... bathe them in prayer. You have everything to lose if you don't, and their souls to gain if you do!

Showers of blessing.

2009-03-26T11:52:00.004-05:00

So my friend Juday encouraged me to blog again. (My mom did too, but how often do we do what our moms tell us?)

Wanna hear my latest complaint? You'll love me for this one. My life's too easy right now. And let the name calling begin. No, I deserve it :) Child #4 is in school full time, for the first time this year, so I'm home alone. I do some dishes, some laundry, clean a few bathrooms... stuff that feels like work when the little ones are home, but doesn't seem so bad when you have like 6 hours to fill. I spend way too much time on Facebook, and play way too much Scrabble. All that was fine, when I was so sick, but for two weeks now, I have been feeling pretty good. First time in 2 or 3 years, unless it's a temporary thing. (Please let it last!!!)

So I've been through this before... 2 kids in school and me home alone... and I started praying, "God, you gotta give me a reason to exist for those 6 hours." I would love to get a job. I NEED to get a job, but till we know if my new found health is going to last, I am a little nervous to jump in. The last time I asked God to fill my days, he gave me the greatest joy... child #3. That gift just keeps on giving. Have you ever seen a child that says he's sorry, immediately and sincerely when he is reprimanded? Who takes his little sister aside to say, "Do you understand that the only reason mom yelled at you was so that you wouldn't get burned by the pan?" while his mom kept on working in the kitchen?... Who could read a library full of books in one night cause he just can't stop himself? He is just sweet on top of good... he's kinda shiny. I love this kid.

I heard the best story the other day about a little girl who loved this sad little set of plastic pearls. She used 'em up and wore them out! Her daddy came home one day and tried to take them away, but she wouldn't let go. When he finally convinced her, which took some doin'... he replaced them with a shiny new pair of real pearls all her very own. I adore this story, don't you? What a perfect picture of us and the things we hold onto while our Father tries to replace our tattered objects.

The point I got out of the story was that I had this life that many people might really think they want... not too busy, not too hectic, just enough to feel productive... but it doesn't really fulfill. Maybe you're overly busy and you're feeling the same way... "I just need that thing that God is holding for me, if I can just let go of the life I cemented my feet into." I am in that place where, if I continue to be well, I want my arms open for that blessing. I want to see what God will give me this time... another child, like child #3? Not sure I could handle another child #4, I told you, she's sort of an avalanche of blessing :) I don't know what God might have, but I'm gonna ask Him if He thinks I'm ready. As much as I love cleaning toilets and playing Scrabble, I could sure use a new way to fill those 6 hours. I'm ready Lord... don't let it flood, but start the showers... I need to get wet.

Silver Foxes

2009-03-18T15:48:00.006-05:00

I am a total cliche. Everything those older women, at those women's conferences tell you will happen in your life... is true. I always thought they were speaking from their own circumstance... mine were different and they couldn't possibly think we were all going to have the same experiences. I was wrong, they were right. There is nothing new under the sun. Nothing.

You will be tempted to weaken your stance with that boy if you're alone with him.

The vows you take before God on your wedding day are actual vows and you must not take them lightly... they are forever.

Your children's childhoods will not last long, no matter what it feels like when they're 3.

You really do need to keep busy in the home.

You can't allow your kids to take the place of your friends. It will confuse disciplinary actions, but you will also be incredibly lonely when they begin their own lives.

Your marriage will be threatened by outside forces as long as Satan has his reign.

You really do have to take time for dates, even if it's just going on a walk.

The list goes on and on but, if you've never been to a women's conference... if you don't have an older, wiser woman in your life... don't worry. You can pick up your Bible and go back to the basics. Titus 2. Proverbs 31. These will change your world if you let them.

I have been married 23 years in May. I have raised two kids to adulthood. I have two to go. I am definitely weary in well doing. I have lost my gumption... today. This is a hard day. But I thank God for those lessons I learned. I hear them in my ear even now. Those wise silver haired women, gave me gifts that will not wither. It is on days like these that I know the story ends well. That my husband and I make it to that porch with the rocking chairs I've always dreamed of. Maybe that's why I don't have a front porch now. I think I have a pretty house. I am grateful for it... but when I look at the front I realize it's missing something. Maybe it's just a reminder of everything I've learned... I'm not at that stage yet. That stage where the kids are grown, where my husband and I have learned to accept and forgive. I do pray I can just hold on to those lessons a little longer. Thanks to all those Titus 2 women from the past, maybe I will be a Titus 2 woman in the future. :)

It's a Spirit thing.

2009-03-17T07:22:00.008-05:00

Why does God ask us to give things up? It seems like we're just hummin' along, doing alright for ourselves, then all of the sudden, we hear that still small voice. When we ignore it, it gets louder and louder. Ugh. And when it does... we tend to take a persecuted stance. Like, "Wait a minute God! This is all I've got! If You'd have given me something else to work with then fine, but this is all I've got." We get the attitude Adam had in the garden. "It was the woman, Lord." "It's because of You, Lord." Truth is, I'm scared of God. :) I know that sounds right to some and wrong to others. But the Bible says the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I have to know that He holds my life in His hands, all while trusting Him to be merciful and good.

Sometimes child # 4 doesn't want to go to school. (She's been getting a lot of air time cause she's little and all the best lessons come when your little.) Sometimes, she really hates school, and guess who makes her go? I do. I clean and dress and feed her and send her on her way... in her estimation, like a lamb to the slaughter. How could a loving mother make her do something she hates? Because I can see over her head. I have been 6 and I have been 40. I know there's no way she could stay afloat in this world and not have the teachings and experiences an education brings.

It's funny how God allows you to struggle with some things for years. Kinda like... "We'll get to that, you're not yet ready." And other things He just snaps up in a day like... "Oh no! Not My child! Open your hand and let that go NOW!" When we're holding on to something we shouldn't... we're never in a place where we're praying and in the Word. But what's so interesting is all that studying we did for years comes into play. Oh you can't turn left without hearing a scripture in your head that pertains to your situation. That's why it's so important to study the Word. Someday... when you're not so strong... when God let's go of that bike seat and follows closely by... when he slips His hand away and you're dog paddling on your own... you're gonna need those words in your heart to steady you and keep your head above water.

I'm actually quite blessed to know my flesh wont be around for long. I'm a "Big Picture" person... always have been. I'm all about Heaven, yet I still never wanna let go of the thing that is pleasing my flesh (like Paul said why do I do the things I don't want to do?) But ultimately I want to hold on to something more... something that lasts... something eternal. I wanna hold my Daddy's hand. I want what I was created for. So today, child # 4 is being schooled... and so is her Mommy.

Stop that rockin' that's MY job.

2009-03-16T08:20:00.005-05:00

So I haven't told you much about child #4. If I started I might not stop and what I could share would fill volumes. I have always made the joke that God made her so beautiful so we wouldn't kill her :) To say she is head strong is like saying the sun is warm. The magnetic field around the sun is 15 million degrees.The closer you get to the sun the more you realize... you're dead. You're vaporized. That's kinda how powerful # 4 is. People don't really understand... except people with similar kids. Where I live there is a great amount, comparatively, of adopted little Chinese girls and the majority tell me their daughter is the same. We were told that in order to survive in an orphanage, these babies have to cry the loudest to get held, touched, fed... etc. I don't know if I ever saw anything sadder than when we first got # 4. She would lay on her tummy, and lay her head on her folded hands, and rock herself to sleep. That memory will never not make me cry. Babies shouldn't have to learn to care for themselves. All that to say... this kid has a will of iron!

So because of some hearing and speech problems, all the lessons I taught my other 3 kids at an earlier age, came much later to 4... again, you'd have to be in the same situation to understand. Lily flat out disobeys a lot... then she gets a nervous smile, that took us a long time to realize it was a nervous smile and not her mocking us. One night, she was laying in bed crying. She was absolutely heart broken over her sin... kind of a new thing for 4. She knew she was constantly doing wrong, but said she couldn't stop herself and she didn't understand why. Well, obviously this was an awesome opening to talk about Jesus.

In her language, I told her that we all sinned, she was no different. I told her that that's why Jesus took her punishment and that it was the only way we could be with God forever. She asked Jesus into her heart and asked Him to forgive her of her sins. I have to retell this message a lot... it's not like she just "gets" it all the time. But it was a shining moment.

We are all #4 to a "T". We all want to sin. We are orphans... belonging to our own selfish desires. We need a Father to comfort us, provide for us, hold us, protect us, guide us, love us... our need for Him is endless. But when we're babies, we don't realize how wrong it is that we have been rocking ourselves to sleep. And when we are old enough to finally get a glimpse of a better way, we still don't really sustain the knowledge as we ought... because we are always going to want to sin. When I look at 4, I see someone created to be adored, taught and redeemed. May we all see that when we look in the mirror, every morning: orphans redeemed.

Call me Shrek

2009-03-13T13:46:00.009-05:00

So in the New Testament there's this guy named Paul. He's not THE guy... THE guy in the N.T. is Jesus. But Paul's one of the most important people ever cause he's like the spark that ignites the world with the grace of God. We find out that he starts off, not the guy with the halo shimmering over his head and a pencil (or a quill) in his hand, writing books in the Bible. No, we find out that he's a murderer... a bigot... a self made enemy of God... kind of a total loser. And I think that's why we all identify with him. "Been there, done that too Paul." Or for some of us, "Felt that, thought that too Paul." Now I'm only (highlight only) 40, but I have learned one thing in my ripe young age... we are all the same.

I walked into a room at a Pastors conference once and there was this couple working together as unto the Lord. They were ridiculously beautiful. I don't just mean the light of Jesus was shining through there very faces (which it was.) I mean they were like super model gorgeous. I had to cover my eyes. I stumbled backwards mumbling something... I still have no idea what I said... but I was unable to function normally around that much beauty. What do I know for sure? That couple was the same as Paul, the murderous bigot... the same as Beth the ______ _______. (None of your business.)

Rotten to the core... every last one of us. The Bible says that our best is nothing but pathetic and gross compared to God's best. So when Paul, a guy whose garbage is familiar to us, says "All things are permissible, but not profitable." We gotta imagine he's lived it all. He's sinned in darkness and he's sinned in the light. What were the some of the highlights he taught?

No matter how good your intentions and how hard you try, you're flesh is still gonna lead you to sin.
No matter how many times you fail, God will forgive you, based only on His love for you.
No matter what you do, you can't earn God's grace (eternal life and forgiveness of sins.)
You are WANTED. You are CALLED. You are LOVED. You can't CHANGE that.

So following Him, (something I don't have the ability to do without His gift of faith) becomes not just a choice, but a reaction to His gorgeous love. I can't look upon His glory... not here on this earth while I am still an Ork, but I can easily detect His love for me if only I am willing to look upon it. I am SHELTERED. I am CLOTHED. I am FED. I am BREATHING. I can even see a few friends and family members around if I look hard enough. I will always fail, I will always fall... and He will always love me. Not because of my beauty, but because of His!!!

Let the lion starve!

2009-03-12T07:33:00.006-05:00

I hope none of my Scrabble buddies read this one... I'm gonna reveal my top 5 weaknesses.

1) I don't play well if there's pressure. The kind where someone has a deadline and they need me to play fast so they can go.
2) I forget to watch the # on the tile bag and see how close the game is to ending. I have been caught with a Z or a Q in my bag several times.
3) I forget to watch the score. Sometimes I just play my own game and forget the other person might be winning and that I need to take a moment and strategize. (Good word, worth a lot of points.)
4) If I'm having fun with the person (like a good trash talker) I stop trying to make points. And lastly....
5) I get really impatient if someone takes along time to play or doesn't talk much and I've got no other games going on, again I fail to strategize.

So there you go... if that helps. Now my fellow Scrabblers have the inside track... may you all slip in mud and wallow in it. (Trash talk :)

We went to Africa on a short term mission trip 10 years back. At the end of this journey, we got to go on a little safari in these jeep/vans. The one thing I will never forget is when we were driving, we saw these, sort of, antelopes grazing so beautifully in the terrain. They had these amazing antlers, not strait, but twisty. As we kept on driving, we were awe struck to see lions crouching in the field... down so low... so intent... nothing could have taken their attention off of these helpless, clueless animals. The antelopes were dead already, they just didn't know it. A part of you wanted to yell out to warn them... but 1 that's not the way of nature and 2 you didn't want to be their replacement. It might have been another hour before they moved, you wouldn't believe how incredibly slow and methodical these lions were.

I also have a stalker who also knows my weaknesses. He knows how very open to sin I get when I'm in isolation. He knows what easy prey I am when I'm not prayed up. He knows what a good target I am when I'm not in the Word. I'd venture to say that he's a lot like those lions... as a matter of fact, I think I've heard it said that he is like a lion seeking whom he may devour.

Oh Lord, be my legs when I am weak. Be the wind at my back, and the air in my lungs. Make my heart strong so that it pumps fast when the chase is on. Be the reflexes I need and the sense that tells me not to ignore the scent in my nostrils. Be that internal compass that tells me left from right and zig or zag. Let me always be the victor... and let the lion starve.

I want my bike!!!

2009-03-11T08:21:00.008-05:00

I think I'm gonna get some more mileage out of my mom today. (You're welcome mom!) So the other day I shared how one of her good traits is that she doesn't really gossip. Now for a quirk... she has a hard time accepting... anything. She's been like this as long as I can remember. For example: She lives in the boonies in AZ. She loves her desert landscape, and the fry-an-egg-on-the-sidewalk kind of heat, but as with most things, you gotta take the good with the bad. There was a big ol' rattler on her porch the other day. It's illegal to kill them in AZ. (though if I had a gun, you'd be visiting me at the big house) so you have to call the fire dept. These young men came strait from a fire, and hauled off her devilish visitor. She proceeded to go out to lunch later in the day and saw the firemen eating there too. Whatever it is that drives her, caused her to reach in her wallet and try to hand these fellah's some cash. They can't/wont take it, so she thanked them again and went on her way.

I have many of my mom's qualities (and none of her cash) and I see this one most when it comes to Jesus. He tells me over and over that He loves me. He tries to draw me pictures so I can understand... like telling me that if I want to give my kids good gifts, imagine how He wants to bless me. He tells me I can't earn it... no matter how hard I try, it is His free gift to me... this love, this eternal life.

So why can't I just believe that?

What is wrong with me, that the Creator of the universe tells me He loves me and actually sends His son to take the punishment for MY sins, just so He can be with me forever... ME! Has He really seen my deceitfully wicked heart?! Does He really know the thoughts I went to bed with last night and woke up with this morning? Why would HE want ME?

Or does it matter?

Does it matter why... or should I just run to Him? You know how He says to come to Him like a child? Have you ever seen a kid get a new bike for Christmas? What do they do? They RUN to the gift! All smiles, arms open wide! Can you even imagine a kid saying,
"I really don't deserve this. Can I maybe do some chores to earn it?"
NO!!!! It's Christmas! He RUNS!!! He knows and believes that was given to him in love and that it's his to keep. God, help me be that kid. Help me learn to run to that bike and not look back!

What a Difference a Day Makes

2009-03-10T08:22:00.007-05:00

#4 child does something with me that I tend to do with God. When she's happy about something I've done, she says I love you.
"Mommy where are we going to eat?" * "How about pizza?" * "Oh Mommy, I love you!"
This cracks my husband up cause she's a beautiful little 6 y/0. I'm thinking it's not as cute when I do it.
"Lord, we don't have money to pay the bills." * "Here, let me provide that for you." * "Oh Lord, I love you!"
Sure it just sounds like I'm grateful, but was I saying or even thinking those words prior to the gift? Probably had my mind set on other things.

It's funny though, how when we pray for something, we are surprised when it shows up. I have been praying for a situation for quite some time now. Something was "off" in my life and I couldn't fix it... believe me I tried. I complained, I cajoled, I stretched it, pushed it, twisted and turned it! So last night, I went to bed praying that kind of prayer that is more sleep than words and this morning... all of the sudden, a noticeable and welcome change. What happened? Why today? Did I change it somehow? No..... hmmmm. Crazy!

Remember that old saying... "forever and a day"? We tend to focus on the forever part.
"I've been praying for this for FOREVER and it's NEVER going to change!"
Let me tell you what I think God's in to... He's in to the day part. He knows what forever is and we haven't even come close. But it's that day part that's so important. It's the day that reveals our patience. It's the day that reveals His answer. It's in that one day that the fruition of our prayer and the revelation of His goodness all come together in one moment of opportunity for celebration. And in that moment... I don't want to be like my sweet 6 y/o and throw out an "I love you God, cause You eased my load and gave me what I wanted." I want to build a sort of altar as they did in the Bible when God moved on their behalf, so that gift wouldn't be forgotten.

So today's question is... Are you willing to trust Him all the way to "that day." And when that day rolls around... what will your response be? To commit to memory what He has done and maybe even tell the grand kids about it... or will you throw out those 3 little words that sometimes don't mean as much as they should?

Sleeping with the fishes.

2009-03-09T07:53:00.008-05:00

Wanna hear about one of the biggest mistakes I ever made?

God was seriously speaking to Paul and I about going to England to do mission work. We had been talking about the fact that God seemed to be sending us messages one Sunday morning, when out of no where a missionary couple, from England, appeared to speak at church. Of course we couldn't believe it, but when they singled us out and invited us to their hosts home that night invited us to come to England, and that maybe Paul could even take his place as preacher (the missionary didn't feel that was necessarily his calling at the time)... well... the messages were kind of validated.

So I began to plan. I went into anxiety mode. I began by having a tag/garage/yard sale in winter to get rid of some of our stuff... one person came, then it snowed. I tried to wrap and re-wrap my mind around how we would get our "stuff" to England, where and how we would live on no money... how I would get all my meds, how my teenage son would manage leaving his friends and the high school he was loving, how we would see our oldest daughter, how we as a family of 5 (one off to college) could survive with gas at $6 a gallon!!! Kinda forgot the trusting God thing.

So tax time came around. We got a check for $1500, just enough for two tickets to England, and just in time for us to go help this missionary couple during a time when they really needed it (they put on Creationfest.) So what did I do? (swallow hard... clear throat... pull collar away from neck) I bought a sofa/love-seat. Argh! Ack! It is still hard to say after 4 years! My family was all coming to town for my daughters graduation and our sofa was literally falling apart! I was so nervous about having both of our families there... in our little home (and I mean whole families, nieces nephews, the works.) The $1500 was only enough for the plane tickets and not a place to stay (the missionaries had mentioned a barn and though that was good enough for Jesus, I was scared of spiders and bad backs.) So I told myself if God really wanted us to go, He would provide a new "miracle check" with enough for everything. I didn't know who could have watched the kids for us anyway so... this seemed right to me (Paul was out of town. Hmmmm.)

Life has become so difficult on every level, since then, I can't even tell you!!! I'm Jonah and we're all living in the belly of the whale. Some days we can see the light, down here with the fishes. Believe me, I did not miss out on the irony of the fact that with my health crises, I was sentenced to that sofa for a year. I think God will give us another chance... He's not in the business of punishment, but in rehabilitation :) He wants something better for us and now that we've seen what the life we always wanted has to hold for us... we know it will be easier to let go of. So say a prayer for us please. Ask God to give us whatever assignment He has for us, and ask Him to help me learn to take that leap when He asks. What kind of Christian are you? When God asks your to jump, do you say "How high" or do you buy a sofa?

Shiny moms and sticky black goo.

2009-03-06T08:08:00.004-06:00

The mother daughter relationship is crazy isn't it? I read my moms and my daughters blog and they have been kind enough to read mine as well... so I have to be careful what I say. But anyone who's been a mom or a daughter knows that the majority of m/d relationships can be... filled with ups and downs. I think all women are crazy (of which I am the chief sinner) but we also have incredible moments throughout life where we just shine! My mom had a few.

We are all born blind. Sinners who see through a clouded glass darkly, as the Bible says. We all wear glasses... we just don't know it. We choose the frames (the people we're gonna be) but the lenses are decided by our parents (how we view the world). Most of us know right from wrong. The Bible says God's law was written on our hearts, even though we're all sinners from birth. But there are a whole lot of areas that we call "gray". I like to think that is because of our lenses. When something isn't done the way our parents did it... for good or bad, an alarm goes off. One of the things (out of many) that my mom did right was something I never noticed... but I do now. When I hear someone throw around a name, an implication, a slander, a remark meant to hurt, a memory that should have been forgiven, an alarm goes off in my head. I realize the offender is simply wearing the lenses their parents gave them... gossip must have been the norm in their fam, but because I seldom heard it at home, when I do, it goes off in my ears like a 3 alarm fire.

So to all the mom's out there... just trying to do a few things right (cause we know you're gonna mess those kids up anyway) remember to keep that sticky black goo off your lips. No one's perfect... we all fail sometimes. But gossip is like quicksand that sucks the speaker down to a level lower than the one they're trying to put everyone else on. If you hear it, correct it. If you can't do that... run. You'll be next on their list if you stay.

So thanks mom... just in case you wanted to hear about something you did right!

New Hope

2009-03-05T07:56:00.004-06:00

Ok so money's tight right? We're in a recession/depression they say. (Not that I've missed a meal.) But my family is in a sticky place and to tell you the truth, I don't see a way out. Remember that freaky song by Reba McEntire "Fancy"? It's this song about a mom with a baby who is so poor that she prostitutes her teenage daughter in order to pay the bills. ICK!!! I HATE this song. HATE, HATE, HATE! I mean, c'mon! She spent her last dime to buy her daughter a red prostitute dress. ICK!!! HATE! Did anyone mention to her that she might buy some seeds for a garden with the money? How about a waitressing dress for herself while Fancy watched the baby? Why am I ranting? I'll tell you why. Because as gross as that song is... it holds a truth. We go a little crazy when we lose hope.

I have learned in the past few years that without hope... all is truly lost. It's throw-in-the-towel-time. What do we do when we have no hope? You can't just conjure something up out of nothing... not without faith anyway. If you have nothing or no one to put your faith in, then you really are at the end of the line. I mean, if you're all you've got and you're not enough anymore... if your spouse, friends, things, career, dreams etc. isn't bringing that peace... isn't feeding your kids... paying the bills or fulfilling you... then you probably forgot something. You forgot no one and nothing in this world can rescue you... can save you from the rains that fall and the waters that rise.

I'm not gonna mention how much money we need right now... "wouldn't be right, wouldn't be prudent." But I'll tell you this... in man's eyes, it seems a bit hopeless and as I look around, I see a lot of folks in similar situations. But I am blessed beyond measure because I have ONE THING I have put my trust in and no matter how many times and ways I have failed, He's never allowed destruction to come upon us. We've endured a bit here and there, no doubt, this is Earth not Heaven, but He has always been our shelter.

I pray, with all my heart, that if you're reading this, you are not without hope! I pray you will put your faith in the One Who made you. Don't put Him to the test... He has nothing to prove. Just let Him love you. You will fall in love, in return... you will have new hope :)

Are you a cracked pot too?

2009-03-04T08:34:00.005-06:00

So, like I said, I got sick. Blah, blah, blog... who doesn't have problems?! I have one friend who's husband left her and her three kids after 13 years of marriage for a woman he cared nothing about. Not only did he and the other woman break up immediately, but somehow my amazing friend, witnessed to the other woman's husband and he, the other woman, and their two daughters got saved! They're going to Heaven! SAY WHAT!? Thas what I said! Talk about being a vessel!

I have another friend who was totally lacking faith every time God didn't answer her prayers the way she thought He should. God was gonna change that though. Although He cares about our circumstances, He cares most about the condition of our hearts. So her husband was laid-off right before Christmas. At first she was a bit freaked (as we all would be) but then this peace came over her. Why? Cause what could she do? She had no control over anything, and she finally got it. God is in control. Now, during one of the possibly hardest times in her life, she runs around praying for all her friends who have it worse than her. Friends that are sick, hurting, dying... that's all she talks about... others.

So back when I got really sick... the kind where you stop moving completely... I started getting a wee bit better. For the first time in a year I was on the computer instead of on the couch. Most would be depressed by this. I mean it's a total lack of community. Zero opportunity to be God's hands and feet... something that had always seemed most important to me. Did God leave me there... useless? No, I discovered Facebook. I know what you're thinking... "How is that even remotely an outlet for anything positive?" Well, of course there's the reconnection of old friends and family... people you thought you'd NEVER see again. But I also started getting to know people at my church. We'd see each other and hug or laugh over something... point is, I was in community again. But useful? Yes. I started playing on-line Scrabble. Oddly enough, I got kinda good at it. My friends wouldn't play as much as I wanted them too, so I started playing strangers. Tons of Canadians (shout out! :) I was making new friends, and even getting to share the gospel to those who were open. I pray for them and care about them and meet dozens of new people every week. Many who need to know God loves them. He can even use a sick girl playing on-line Scrabble! The following story speaks our worth in His eyes best.

Did you hear about the man from India who carried two pots down to the river to fill them and return to his village? One had a crack, the other didn't. At the end of the man's life, the pots were sad that he was dying. The cracked pot apologized to the man for never being good enough... for failing him. The man laughed at the cracked pots perspective. "Cracked pot, do you not know?" The pot was silent. "Look at the path lined with beautiful flowers. Everyone in the village loves this path because of them. Their loads seem lighter as they gaze at the beauty. YOU did that! You watered the path for years. Your imperfections were used to make something beautiful. You were perfect for the job you were chosen for!"

What's your ONE THING?

2009-03-03T07:59:00.000-06:00

So, I used to love winter... LOVE it!!! Love Christmas, love snow, love the decorations, love the seasons on either side of it... LOVE it! But something weird happened this winter. I couldn't get warm. Yeah, I'd pile on the blankets, actually turned the thermostat up to 72 and I still couldn't get warm. So for the first time in my life... I'm wondering how much longer winter will last. That kind of makes me sad. I don't want to want winter to go.

Same with breakfast foods. Used to be my favorite meal of the day. Now, I would actually rather just skip it. I got lucky this morning... we had vegetable soup left over from last night and that hit the spot :) As a matter of fact, I love vegetables now. Where'd that come from?! I would rather have stir fried veggies than anything I can think of.

Used to love TV. Never really think about it now... now I have facebook and on-line Scrabble. I wonder what will eventually replace those.

The fact is, EVERYTHING ALWAYS CHANGES. I am always changing and not always for the good. I have grown a bit cynical as of late. Something about seeing my husband becoming immersed in his career and my kids grow up and leave like they were just here to use the facilities... it's all so strange. Is this all there is to my job?

I am glad ONE THING never changes. He has sustained me through more than I can say. No wonder they call Him a rock, a refuge, a strong tower, an ever present help in time of need!

He has not and will not change. We need that! We need ONE THING that will not change on us. What a miracle that the ONE THING that isn't changing... is for us. He's on our side... He actually loves us to lengths we cannot fathom! (And I'm a mom, I can fathom some deep love.)

So my questions today is: What's your ONE THING?